I am a little pissed off right now. I have been telling my closest friend about the lack of sex in my marriage, and she asked if I would really break up with my husband over it. I immediately told her yes, and she replied, “But he LOVES you.” I told her “Yes, I know, and I love him dearly, but I need more than love.” (Granted, my husband is affectionate, warm and caring, we just don’t have enough sex and it’s driving me nuts.) At any rate, she replies, “But he REALLY loves you! I mean, I saw that he really loves you!” Ok, so what is she trying to say here? That I should stick it out because he loves me but won’t have sex with me on a regular basis for whatever reason, and that I may not find anyone else to love or marry me? I know that SHE certainly wouldn’t stay in a sexless relationship or marriage, so why expect me to? Years ago, another friend mentioned something along the same lines to me when I told her we were having trouble. She said, “But he really loves you! It would be so sad to see the two of you break up!” UGH! Love is NOT enough. I would like it to be, but it’s not. I guess they don’t get that.
Maybe she means if he loves you, then he will be interested in the two of you working together for maximum happiness, so he will be motivated to work on meeting you at least halfway.
The implication being that if he didn't love you, he wouldn't care a bit if you were unhappy.
Of course that kind of reasoning doesn't necessarily hold. Some on here are married to spouses who aren't interested in sex and aren't interested in doing anything about it, but each one still loves the other.
Love is NOT enough... especially love that is ONLY expressed verbally and not acted upon. Talk is cheap.
Husband and I have decided to speak with a DB'ing coach. We will set up the appointment Monday.
I spoke to my closest friend this evening again about my and my husband's sex-starved marriage, and she wondered if my husband was gay, too, as I often have. She just didn't want to mention it to me because she thought I would get mad. (She met him earlier this year). He is seriously sexually repressed, (grew up Catholic; didn't discuss sex with his father or brothers), and I often wonder if he just married me because it was what he thought he was supposed to do and anything otherwise, he felt he might burn in hell.
The thing is, I would be ok if he admits that he has been attracted to the same sex and I wouldn't have a problem with it. Sure, I'd be hurt and feel like a fool, but at least we both would be happy to move on with our separate lives. If that isn't the issue, then maybe we can still work to save our marriage. Whatever the case may be, at this point, it's either going to work or not.
I'll be back to report after husband and I have had our coaching session.
It's stupid for me to go out on this limb knowing so little about your situation .... but in my experience, never underestimate the long-term, convoluted, and subterranean negative effects from having been seriously f*cked up about sex (that evil lustful desire) in childhood and adolescence, especially with religious overtones. Being gay may or MAY NOT have anything to do with it.
Good for you and very much good for him too for being willing to work to try to get to the truth of it. I hope you both find answers you can live with.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
It's stupid for me to go out on this limb knowing so little about your situation .... but in my experience, never underestimate the long-term, convoluted, and subterranean negative effects from having been seriously f*cked up about sex (that evil lustful desire) in childhood and adolescence, especially with religious overtones. Being gay may or MAY NOT have anything to do with it.
Good for you and very much good for him too for being willing to work to try to get to the truth of it. I hope you both find answers you can live with.
Thank you for your comment and support. I hope we can work through it, too.
Tell us more about you, your sitch, how long you have been married, how much sex you have etc... Read my thread - many people wonder if my H is gay. The thing is - what if you find out he is bisexual and sometimes has some trouble with crushes on men that he doesn't act on but it does affect your relationship? I'm not sure the whole "gay" thing really answers as many questions as we would like to think. Usually sexuality exists on a continuum of heterosexuality to homosexuality and so then it becomes an issue of behavior more than "preference" for a lot of people. Let us know what the coach says and how it works out.
