Decided to post this title since I read from time to time hints and tricks of the trade on dealing with the MLCers. So, I decided to start a thread based on the stuff I learned on how to GAL, deal with the kids, new opportunities, new R. ..you know, stuff other than the MLCer.
Here I am post D one year as of August 24th. How do I feel? Pretty empowered since all the financial crap is behind me, the house issues (I stayed) and just the thought of the "unknown" further behind. (although there are many unknowns, still, but they aren't so scary )
Many people have called me for advice since the big D is spreading around like wildfire in my town. (Makes me so so sad) And I have wanted to compile some helpful strategies on helping them work on themselves. You know, it's like when you have the flu, it's so much easier to fight the infection when you eat properly, sleep well and mentally keep yourself in tact as best as possible. So, I want to provide a greatest hits, so to speak, for all my BB family.
Here goes:
What. I know.
The better you take care of yourself, the better you are able to deal with the stress. I can't emphasize enough you are what you eat and I was about to become a gigantic Hostess Cupcake if I didn't get my act together during the bomb.
Get a good T. My T was awesome and still is.
Keep what you say about dear old WAS to a minimum if you need to vent. I made the mistake of talking to anyone who would listen about how crazy my then H was and it wasn't a good idea at all. IT came back to haunt all of us in the end. Utilize one or two good friends, family members, BB's to help you vent your frustration.
Get a hobby. I know, sounds cliche. I forgot how much I loved to garden, read and work out. I was just existing for so long trying to figure out how to get WAS's attention.
Take some quiet time, too. I realized how "noisy" my life had become and I felt like I was in emotional overload with the cell phones, mail, telephone, computer..yikes..I needed to breath.
Make a list of goals and try to achieve them bit by bit. My goal sheet was so tiny in the beginning and had stuff as simple as go to the food store, take a walk, clean bathroom..you know..nothing earth shattering but the more I checked off, the better I felt. Eventually, I was able to check off I passed my NJ certification exam for teaching which was my nemasus the last five years of my M. I knew I had to take it but didn't feel mentally up for it.
The kids. I made sure I tucked my kids in every night.t..You know hung out their rooms talking about their day. It may seem like the simplest, almost insignificant of tasks but those talks we have and did have at the end of the day were key to their emotional well being and still are.
Dinner..ah yes..The family table. It is so much easier to let the kids pop in this and that in the microwave and go eat where ever. I let that happen for a while and felt terrible. I was too sad to sit at the kitchen table because there was one big empty spot. However, I started to invite friends over for dinner and starting to have sit down meals. The kids actually ASKED for them which I thought was funny but great at the same time.
Maintain as much routine in the kids schedules as possible..creates security.
If you are having a doosey of a time communicating with WAS, do it via email. An attorney told this to a friend and I thought it was great. It keeps things less heated and more organized. And,l there is proof of the communication if need be.
WAS contact. Well, that is up to you. I did feel the more I saw him in the beginning the more steps "I took backward. Many people addressed this as well. So, I kept the pickups and dropoffs with very little chit chat. I would not go out to his car when he picked the kids up and I kept phone calls to a bare minimum for the first year or two. I found that much of the time I did call things would get heated so I needed a breather from the drama and so do the kids.
Start new traditions. I am trying to have movie night with the kids..you know, stuff like that. They love it and it gives them something to look forward to.
Get the kids help, too. Call the school..I found the guidance dept to be a fabulous resource. My D was in a little lunch club for kids going through a D when she was in third grade and it really helped.
As for OW/OM..YUK. All I can say is that I kicked and begged and pleaded for the kids not to be around her. It backfired many times. (I know now in my sitch I have proved she is a wacko and she is dangerous for the kids to be around but that is another story.) For the most part, the more you argue about her to your WAS the more he will defend her. It's Murphy's Law. Express your concern about the kids seeing her but keep the focus on the KIDS not what an a** the OW/OM is.
Keep the focus on the kids when you discuss things with WAS.
Oh well, that is all for now but I am sure more of you will jump the What I Know Bandwagon..
Hang in there everyone..keep your chin up..stay strong..you will get through this..
Thanks for these thoughts, MTN. Here is some of what I have learned:
Be patient with yourself. Grief takes time and takes its own time. Since you cannot know how long that will be, do not be hard on yourself for letting what needs to happen for you run its course. It is not a waste of time at all to explore this territory, much as you might prefer to be done with it and have it all behind you. You will stop crying or stop mourning when you are done crying or mourning.
Now I say this b/c it has taken me a rather long time to get it all done. The divorce for me will be final almost exactly 3 years after my h moved out (which turns out to be a year for every decade of marriage). Grief has not left my heart though I get along day to day and mostly quite happily. And I say this b/c I have heard others say that they were sorry they wasted so much time obsessing over their sitch. For me, it is just the process.
Count your blessings, be they your children, your friends, your parents, the roof over your head, your accomplishments at keeping your life together or whatever.
Consider keeping a journal. This has been one of the most useful things for me, and something that is not just what I have written here over time. I have found that I can work out problems as I write down my thoughts. It has been very helpful to look back and see where I have been.
Challenge yourself. That is when you realize that you still remember how to eat and breathe and can look around to think about what is next.
Wow, what an amazing post! Thank you for your thoughts as I am sure that what you have written today will give many of us something to think about in the days to come.
I kept a journal as well. In fact, these boards have been a wonderful recollection of my thoughts and feelings over the past three years. Many a time I have gone back to old threads to remember what it was like in the beginning and how I felt today.
I did want to touch base on another subject which has caused alot of discussion on the boards lately.
The OW/OM situation..
As for me, I didn't go looking for New Guy..In fact, I found it more difficult in the beginning to trust anyone in addition to m my instincts. Yes, I did have an R before my D. I filed and when I filed I was done. For many reasons. I felt I was divorced way before I sign on the dotted line.
I don't know if I have shared this with the Newbies but my XH went nuts when he left. No, not just the "typical MLC" nuts, he became extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. Did he do this prior to the bomb? Yes, he did. No, I am not going to go down that road as I take responsibility for the demise of my M, too. How he reacted to the demise, well, that was just plain wrong.
I had three restraining orders against him. One time he baited me with a tape recorder as he was trying to prove to the courts I was a bad mom. Turned out, that incident made him look like a fool and caused so much harm to my kids emotional well-being, words can't describe. He called me every name in the book, harassed me, and wanted me to still be there "just in case." At one point, he told me he wouldn't leave if I had a threesome with he and the secretary..How is that for abusive?
He used to compare me to the OW to my face. Told me all the stuff I didn't want to know. And, to make it worse, he told the OW very personal stuff about our intimate life that she came back to tell me in the beginning of the R.
I felt the need to tell you all this because I don't want you to think for a moment I don't stand for M. In fact, even after all that b.s. I still tried to stand for it. Then, I decided I was being abused, MLC or not. It wasn't right. That is when I filed. I had to have finality. I had to have the financial freedom that he was threatening not to give me. I had to take my life back.
In comes New Guy. He had been separated for three years, tried to reconcile and finally filed. His wife cheated on him as well and had her own MLC.
We both new we had some work to do on ourselves and with our kids before an R should take place. In fact, I went at a snails pace as far as calling, etc. It took four months for me to even call him. When I had situations with H, I asked him if I could work it out by myself. He knew my kids came first and so did his D. My kids didn't meet his D until we had dated a year.
My point is..I heard it all. How long the proper time is to wait to start and R and I still very much believe in waiting. I started an R a few months after I filed. A year post bomb. I do think it was too soon. However, I have to admit..my guy let me work through this my way. He knew I did better being alone when I was stressed. He knew I didn't want to be the kind of couple that had to announce to the world we had "found the perfect mate." I had none of it because I thought it was too soon, also.
Many nights I spent alone crying over my M. At times, it was even harder to date. So many emotions. Too many at times. He wasn't my H but treated me way better. He was so kind to me it only accentuated how poorly XH treated me which at times was too much to handle. Over and over in my brain I wished so badly that my kids were not going to be in a family with divorced kids.
It hurt so much.
However, my Xh started an EA with my best friend in 1999 and I found out by accident. It was the worst day of my life. In fact, I think it was worse than the bomb. You know why? Because he was being so critical, emotionally abusive and downright mean to me during that whole period. It was a time when I went back to schol for my Masters, had two little kids and the worst part, my dad had open heart surgery. What did he do? He ran.
I kept thinking I was doing something wrong. I kept thinking I was a failure for him to do that to me. I kept thinking I was useless if I couldn't keep my M together and he blamed me for it. So, in Jan 2000, I ended up in the hospital. I am not going to go into details, but it was terrible and I almost checked out.
I cannot blame my XH for all this. However, I was a product of being in an M that day by day chipped at the very being of my soul. It was done so slowly that I didn't recognize it. I was a strong, fiesty, go getter when we got married and by 2000, which was 8 years later, I doubted the way I tied my shoes.
So, I do think my Xh had cheated or was looking to cheat since 2000 in retrospect. Mentally, I think instead of physically checking out I mentally left my M. I felt worthless even though he told me how pretty I was and how lucky he was to have me.
Imagine one minute being told all those wonderful things and the next being called a f-ing slob and b****. My head would spin.
I stood for M. I didn't stand for being a victim. I ended my M to save my life and I knew that.
So, I may not be the MTN you all know on the boards..I had a horrific time these last few years and I did wish every day I could save my M.
My M simply wasn't strong enough to save. That was the hardest part.
New Guy simply cheered me on on the sidelines. He watched my kids when I had to do a paper. He cooked dinner when I was sick. He told me how smart I was when I got an A on a paper. He treated me the way I should have been treated all along. The bonus was that all this wonderful stuff snuck into my life when I least expected it.
I see so much going on with the boards and I see so many sides. I see how hard it is to let go. I see how hard it is to stand. I see how hard it is to open your heart again. I see how hard it is not to.
The one thing I do see..Is that the only way to get through all this mess is to stand for one thing..
Stand for yourself.
You have no idea how empowering it is to be handed a diploma when you were told how dumb your were for ten years..You have no idea how great it is to sign on the dotted line when you get your own home..All this stuff is empowering..You have to see this all as opportunity..
I was so sick of being the victim. I was so sick of all the demons in my head that came with the memories of my M in the last few years. I couldn't fix it but I hung onto the good memories for the sake of my sanity. I didn't want to hate XH for what he did to me..I wanted to make sure I didn't have a heart full of hatred.
As for the band aid stuff..Was New Guy a band-aid..Maybe..Maybe not..I don't think so but I guess that is up to you to decide. I would like to think of my R with him as the cheerleading section to my journey to find myself.
Take all this with a grain of salt. I do hope if any of you are being treated like the way I was, you don't stand for it...You need to get help and make sure that noone messes with your mind, body or soul. That is breaking the MLC rules as far as I am concerned. MLC or not, noone should ever be excused to go there.
So, that is my story.
Just like Dorothy, I put on my ruby slippers and found OZ..It turned out to be right in my mirror every day.
Thank you for posting with so much honesty. I confess taht I did wonder why you didn't reconcile: now I can see why. You sitch is fairly similar to a good friend of mine who also suferred years of mental [and at times physical] abuse. She said that you start to believe, in a weird way, that you must deserve it if it is happening to you, and it isn't until you get away from it you realise how sick the perpetrator is.
Your post has made me realise that our survival and integrity as people is the real goal.
Well, your last post has brought tears to my eyes and sent my heart pounding. I cannot say I've been verbally abused as you describe. What I'm realizing is maybe there was some emotional. My H has not had a problem pointing out all of my flaws - always late, not outgoing, reserved. I don't know they are all flaws, but that's how he saw them and constantly fixated on them.
Even through the separation, he would make snide comments to me. As recent as last week, instead of thanking me for picking the kids up from him, he pointed out that I was there at 1:30 instead of 1:00 (even though he didn't make it until 1:15).
I'm doing things now that I couldn't even dream of doing when I was married. I'm going back to school to get my masters, bought a new house that I'm fixing up (and doing a lot of things myself which I never had confidence enough to do before), made MANY new friends and really the list goes on.
I too met a new someone. We are simply friendly right now. I run into him at soccer games for our kids. He is the first man (other than those on the board) who I had a mature conversation with that didn't lead to my faults or pumping his ego up! It has been amazing. Will it go anywhere? I'm not interested in that right now. But, I will admit it has given me a lot of hope to see what is out there and what I've lived without for so long.
So, you are a true inspiration. I understand about standing for your marriage. I did too. But a time came that I realized, I'd outgrown my H. Sad, but true. My expectations were raised as I went through this journey and H is still where he started.
I realized my marriage was not what I'd thought when my dad died of cancer. Instead of being my support, H grew distant and told me that I wasn't dealing w/it and he and kids couldn't take it. 9 months later, he left.
I don't blame H for the break-up of our marriage. I don't blame OW either. She didn't help, but she wasn't the cause. What I do think is that when it was at the worst time, H didn't even lift a finger to work on it. He may regret that someday. He may not. It doesn't matter to me anymore.
So, thanks MTN! You are giving me confidence and hope that I really need right now!
Me-BS 38 X-WS 36 Separated 11/15/2006 Filed for D 8/1/2007 Divorce Final 12/21/2007 S13, S13 (twins), D9 Married 13 Yrs Together 20 Yrs
Hugs to you my friend as I went online today and saw your post first thing. I really appreciate you giving me you feedback..xoxo
You know, I had a feeling a lot of you out there wondered more about my sitch than I was revealing. So many of my posts are pep talks, on how to move on and I didn't want any of you to think for one moment I didn't stand for my M.
The hardest part was WANTING to stand for my M when I knew that our relationship was toxic. I came from a family that you stood by through thick and thin (Norwegian stock rolled with the punches. I do think had I had more of a sense of self from 1999 on I would have demanded counseling and/or a separation as to the stunt my then H pulled with my former best friend.
So, when I pulled my set away from the dysfunctional cycle of validation I so desperately sought from him,I realized he was not a healthy man. Mentally.
I started to see him acting like his dad who was a drop on the floor alcoholic and abusive to his step mother. That is what XH was running from when I met him. Then, all of a sudden, he became that very person. All the stuff you read about in psych books..Freud would have a FIELD DAY!
Many, many times I had friends tell me they didn't understand why I didn't kick him out prior to the bomb. He traveled alot (electively) competimg in a winter sport and was never home. During the summer he was busy making up for lost time with his business. Always running.
Since I divorced him, despite his CRAZY R with the OW, he is a different person. He is still his defensive self when I try to discuss things with him..As he slams a few four letter words my way. (and it brings me down a road that I thought I had forgotten about) However, he has gone to T. He has seen that his path has destroyed many people. He has spent more quality time with the kids. He has apologized over and over.
I wish I could erase all the awful memories from my brain but I can't..That is what I do struggle with here and there as I want to forgive and forget. I have forgiven him. I cannot forget but I guess that is good sometimes. It is because of those times I was so low that I can understand the world better, be more sympathetic to a friend in need, tell my friends "I have been there." Prior to my M, I feel as though I hadn't been through many challenges in life so I wasn't as prepared as I thought for the real world.
Bam,
Hey you..I am so proud of you, you know that? Going back to school! YAY Going back for your Masters! DOUBLE YAY Getting your own home! TRIPLE YAY Keeping it all together!! QUADRUPLE YAY
Listen to me..Your H is simply spewing sh** at you as his critical eye feels better when he can attack you. If he can bring you down you are at his level. If he can bring you down it justifies why he left. That is what they do!
XH did the whole late thing with me, too. He conveniently forgot all the times I offered to get the kids from him when I didn't have to, etc. All this is the reason I had to split with him. He used to go to the washing machine and swipe and index finger over it and say to me "don't you clean the soap off of this EVER?" You are such a f-ing slob"..nice, huh?
He reminded me of the guy on that Julia Roberts movie that opened the kitchen cabinets to make sure all the can labels were facing in the right directions. XH turned to me one day while we were watching it and said, "I see nothing wrong with that?"
I was like, "WTF? Is that a reason to rip apart someones soul with stabbing words if one label is off? I don't think so".
Well, Bam, I sure hope you have a wonderful day..As for the soccer dad..that is great you have someone to talk to and that gives you hope that there are nice guys out there!
)
rolled with the punches. I do think had I had more of a sense of self from 1999 on I would have demanded counseling and/or a separation as to the stunt my then H pulled with my former best friend.