How to keep GALing from backfiring?

[lester]

She's been harder and harder to read. She didn't use to be sneaky and lie about crap but now she does. I want the M to work but I don't want to be blindsided.

[saffie]

You are entitled Lester to those details - legally entitled. I presume your pay goes directly into your joint account? If it does but she won't share put your pay into an account in your own name.

Another take on this - I do all the finanaces for my family - yes I am a control freak BUT I actually don't like doing it. I have the resposibility for getting it all right the whole time. I am the one everyone comes to for money for things. I am the one who has to say who can have what. I hate it. It might give me power but it also gives me responsibility I don't particularly want - it would be so nice to have someone else do all that and me just take an allowance for what's my share. Maybe just maybe your wife doesn't actually enjoy doing all that and being more like your parent than you spouse.

I just thought this might give you something to think about. Of course she could be a complete control freak who thinks you are not entitled to anything!!!.......it's just things aren't always what they seem when you dig deep.

Saffie

[saffie]

If she is being sneaky and she deals with the money you MUST see what's going on. Phone that bank and ask for another card and PIN number on the account. Ask for duplicate statements. set up online banking and ask for your own log on references.

You cannot afford to be kept in the dark here. Fidelity, money.....where will it end? This isn't about keeping a marriage this is about survival.

Saffie

[lester]

saffie,

you could be right but I have offered. Many times before the sitch and offering to do it or help I think would set off alarms in her head. I know she doesn't want a lot of the responsibility but I can't seem to get her to share either.

[saffie]

I actually feel uncomfortable with what you are saying - not because of WHAT you are saying but because it is setting off alarm bells in me- that's my problem and due to the way my mind works. When did you last see any financial stuff?

saffie

[lester]

last week though she did show me how she makes sure bills are paid. I think that's positive but still doesn't want me touching it.

On a side note, I think she may have moved more physical because last night she asked if she was tight enuf. Explicit talk has seemed to follow interactions with OM. I could be paranoid but she is soooo not herself.

[lester]

well, I have set up access to the joint accounts with the bank online. So I see the joint stuff but she doesn't know it. She took out 200 last week but last time she took out something I didn't get it turned out to be payment for school. So, I'm not too worried about that but I don't have online access to the joint bank in iowa and the 2 accounts in her name. Those two have minimal amounts in them and are used for vacation and xmas presents.

i'm thinking to be safe tho I probably need to withdraw some money from the money market. She never looks at that for some reason. open a separate account and at least have enough money for a little while just in case.

[light chasers]

hey Lester
I don't post here very often;Hello, sorry to bud in but your situation sounds similar to mine. I spent a year since letting my head acknowledge what my heart knew, and now realize that it is important to do for you. Take back your power over your life. Worrying about whether your decisions that are good for you will piss her off doesn't allow you to take control of your life.

[saffie]

Lester,

I think you need to see your bank statements. Not necessarily today or tomorrow but you are not a child. Presumably you get statements once a month. I would expect your wife files them somewhere. Do you not have a place at home where you keep all your financial/ personal paperwork? If so they will probably be there. You need to know how you stand in case things don't work out how you want. Don't make a big deal out of it, just see what you can find if you get a few minutes to yourself. I don't think this is snooping. It's common sense.

saffie

[lester]

I guess it's like this. I don't want her to think I'm secretly planning for divorce the day before she gives up the other man. know what I mean, I just would hate to have bad timing or overreact.