I am really at the beginning of this process (Aug 13) and I am freaking out today.... need some sort of something from H. So I totally understand where you are coming from wanting to have a R talk after 5 months. 5 months! I would be a basket case, I'm sure.
For everyone advising otherwise, can you share how you deal with your uncertainties without having some sort of communication as to where things stand? I don't know about NDDT, but that would help me greatly.
ME: 40 DH: 41 D: 19 D: 16
Married 11+ years, 2nd marriage for both Still together and working on it
I have been separated for 6 mos, did all the wrong stuff at the beginning although I knew it was wrong because I had been through this before but I still did it! That is how bad everyone wants to "fix" things. With time it actually gets easier.
Do the STOP sign thing in your mind, literally when a thought comes over you think about a big red stop sign. Also, just bit your lip and ask yourself if what you are about to say will really change anything or is it just an attempt to get your "feelings" out? That is probably what got you here to start with.
Sorry NDDT for hijacking, looks like we have some work to do.
Mookie, go read Nomo's thread, he is the god of all DBing. Hang in there, you are not alone, TIME IS YOUR FRIEND!
More later C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
NDDT - in my opinion..the only reason you should be having an R talk is if you want to tell her that you want a D. If you do not want a divorce....then don't have the talk because that is exactly where you are taking yourself. Trust me..actions speak louder than words my friend. And is there was anything positive between you, you would feel it long before she ever told you. If she ever did tell you.
You are NOT going to get what you are hoping for and you will only push her away. So if you do truly appreciate my advice and the advice of others on here...you will stop thinking about your own weak needs (sorry but that's what this is) and not have the R talk.
In less than 2 weeks I plan on talking to her. Going to have the forbidden "R" talk to, its be too long since we talked about anything. It is time to put some clarity on this situation.
I am going to take my time to truly consider my words before we talk, but I want to get from her where she views the future of our relationship. I will also express my views to her. I plan to keep my emotions in check.
NDDT- I read your post and felt the need to write something, because I know how I would react if it was me in your W position. I am from the "other side" and I see a potential train wreck headed your way if you follow through with the talk so soon after she leaves. I do not know your W or you for that matter but, I strongly encourage you to think your talk idea through, as it could make your sitch far worse. Your W most likely knows your views and the clarity (as much as it sucks) on your situation appears to be pretty clear at the moment. I'm sure this is not any easier for her as one may think. We do not intentionally set out to make our H miserable, we do suffer as well.
Also, you may want to steer completely clear of discussions about the "future" at this point in time. This talk may just push her farther away and that's not what you want, right? I'm telling you from a perspective similar to hers and its dangerous territory to go where you want. Please remember that you can not fix this or make her feelings change in 2 weeks. (I am sure you are fully aware of this). Give her quiet and alone time to think. It may not seem fair to you, but it is what is needed.
Please listen to the other LBS. Spend time with your D and focus on you and D. Take care. S2B
I hope you are having a great trip with your daughter.
I think enough people have weighed in on the R talk issue, so I just want to say that I hope your return home is not too traumatic for you and for your D. I think you are taking the right attitude of rebuilding your home into your own space after this.
Well I am back. Actually did have a fairly decent time with my daughter. We took a tour of a cave. Stayed at a motel, went swimming 3 times. Went to a carnival last night. There were periods of time in there that I completely forgot about what was going on..........
What she took was pretty much what she said she was going to take on her list she gave me 6 weeks ago. No major shocks here. Obviously my computer is still here. Place does seem empty without the cats.......
I appreciate all the people who have wieghed in on my thread here. I appreciate all of the advice, and I will take it all under consideration.....
I am taking alot of things under consideration. The message she is sending me right now does seem pretty clear. One thing that was not taken from here was any of the wedding pictures hung on our bedroom wall..........
Yesterday, while I was driving with my kid, a really nice looking woman walked past my car while i was at a stop sign. My girl sez to me, "Do you think she is hot?" lol I answer her, "well she aint to bad." Then my kid asks, "are you going to get a new girlfriend?" I answered, "well, I dont think I am ready for that" kid sez, "I think you should, so you dont have to be alone, I dont think mom is going to come back to you" sort of an ouch and a smile at the same time....
One of the things from above advice I will strongly consider is to give her some time in her new place.
I am going to start to put my place, (life?) back together now. And spend the rest of the afternoon with my daughter, as I wont see alot of her for the next week.
I do have to drop off daughter at wifes new place in awhile, dont plan on saying much. "Here she is, we had fun!"
Alright I have seen her new place. Not to bad, but smaller than here. She has the kids room fixed up pretty nice. We actually had a fairly decent exchange. She told me that she has everything that she wants, which is good.
I am changing the locks tonight. I am doing this for my own peace of mind, and in a sense it does protect her to. If something does come up missing, well I know that she does not have access anymore.
I am really thinking that I am going to back off on the R talk, as suggested. Perhaps it is for the best? I have told her already that I did want to talk to her though........ Perhaps I could use that time to just, I dont know, lay some ground work??? "So how are you doing?" I also did still want to suggest that Retrovaille thing to her, and there is a time limit on when I need to register for it.
Let me tell all of you this. There has not been any talk other than about our child in over 4 months here. Perhaps I went to the LRT too soon? Maybe at least trying to open up some sort of dialouge is not the worst idea I ever had? Being as dark as I have been is certainly starting to look like a cheeseless tunnel here.....
What I do need to think about, and think hard is about how I want to approach it. I know if I go in with a list of ultimatums and demands will definatly be the wrong approach. These are the things I need to think about. I know I actually feel a little better after I dropped our girl off, and we had a short but civil discussion. Things to think about.
Right now I am putting my house back together. My neighbors gave me an old dining set that was in there basement. When they first showed it to me, all covered with dust, it did not look so good. But I cleaned it up and it is a nice set (Eathan Allen) Looks great with a table cloth over it!!
Uggghh. I feel a cold coming on, I am so burnt out and feel sore all over. I think after weeks of the stress of ... SHE'S MOVING HER STUFF!!!!!!!! ....... this let down/crash is probably a natural progression. I slept like 8 hours last night and could go right back to bed and sleep some more right now. Actually I am going to do that this afternoon as I work tonight.
It is time to take care of me. My body says rest, then I rest. I am in a rebuilding phase of my life right now. Time to take care of me.
Place is looking pretty good, although I need to get some new pictures to hang on the walls. Do some deep cleaning and minor repairs and painting.
Anyhow, I cant think so well right now, as I am sooo tired. I will talk later.
NDDT I know the feeling, hope you feel better. Go get a massage.
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
