Wife left, wants a divorce, what can I do?

[NickJ]

My wife of 3 years (together for 8) just started staying over her mom's house. She will only come over when I'm at work. I was in a slump for about 6 mos. I was a jobless bum. I lost my truck driving job because she was fired, and I didn't want to work by myself away from home, so I collected unemployment. We had to declare bankruptcy, and my attorney told me to wait until the process was finished to get a job. The next day I did. We argued daily about that, but since then I've been working 12 hrs a day. She left the day I started my job and it was too late. I see her once in a while, and she just keeps getting more distant as since she is staying with her family (and are EXTREMELY CLOSE), and do not like me. When I try to talk to her about fixing our marriage, she just says "it's done". She has built up a wall that I can't get through. She's drinking alot, staying at a bar until close every night, and just didn't go to work today because she was drunk, and didn't call off. She's had a hard life, and as such can exclude herself from all emotions. When I met her, I was a go-getter, that wouldn't take anything from anyone. I mellowed out but now she says her life is boring. I don't know what to do. I tell her that we're family, and she rebutts either "no we're not, or we're not blood". She was the one that kept pressuring marriage, but I was hesitant until I thought we were ready. I'm trying to fix this because she makes me who I am, but since she's with her family, I have no chance. She told me to call her, and when I did, she said she can't stand being in our house together. So after all of my story, is there a way to save our marriage when she just wants to run( which is how her family was raised problem...run? Thanks for your help, I'm not usually an emotional guy, but this is tearing me apart.

[In4Ride2]

If you haven't already, go out and get the books - Divorce Busting and/or Divorce Remedy - asap, before you do anything else. And if you've been doing any of this - stop calling your wife and stop any questioning, begging, pleading, or talking about your feelings.

Start right away reading the newcomer forums and learn everything you can before you have any more contact with your W.

I'm really sorry that you're going thru this, but you've come to the right place.

[NickJ]

Thanks Ride, I have been doing that and I'll take your advice, but I can't afford any books or anything, my bank account has been cleared out and I have $300 in overdraft charges. Is there a plan B?

[In4Ride2]

I know money is tough, but you cannot afford to not get at least one of the books, probably Divorce Remedy. Maybe you could check out the library, or if you have to, go to Borders and read it in the store - not something I would normally condone, but desparate times call for desparate measures. Don't forget - a lot of the material is on these forums - read it all.

I had great PMA (positive mental attitude) yesterday, and today it's in the toilet. You have to accept that it is a total roller coaster ride of ups and downs, and you don't always know why. You just have to accept that and learn not to take any action based on what you're feeling at that moment.

For example, yesterday I was feeling positive enough to send a simple Happy Birthday email to my H, thinking I was letting him know I was not being angry and spiteful. During the night, my mood changed to - screw him - let him wonder and/or worry what's going on and continue no contact. The way I'm feeling right now, I don't want to relieve any guilt he might be feeling, by making him think I'm OK with him just walking out with no warning. I'm guessing now that I was the last to know, because now I realize none of his AA buds have called the house for over a week now.

If you are wondering what to do, chances are you should do nothing, but try to relax and think about yourself. That's what I'm doing even though I'm angry and hurt enough to go in the garage and take a baseball bat to his Harley.

I'm forcing myself to stop any action at all and think long and hard before I take a step. You will want to do the same and think about whether the step will get a positive reaction from someone who's running from you and only has their own needs as their priority right now.

For today, I'm going to stick to my plan to do nothing for the next 12 months, until we meet separation qualification for a no-fault divorce. Tomorrow I may decide I can't live without the as*h***.

Maybe this will make you smile - when I walked into my workplace this morning, feeling low, guess what was playing on the radio
"I will survive, walk out the door, go now go, I don't need you anymore". I just started laughing.

[NickJ]

Another part that I'm worried about, is that if this works out for the worst, I don't know how to get my life back. We met when we were young, and I had a long term girlfriend before that. I've only had two real relationships. I'm a pretty shy person, and am not good at meeting new people. My self esteem is low, and I'm worried that if I lose her, I'll be lonely forever.

[NickJ]

Some of this is probably from how she was raised. Her mother was married twice, and anytime there was any problem at all, no matter how minor, she'd move in with her mother. It seems that none of them have any respect for marriage or values. Nothing else matters as long as they are all living in the same house. At one time there were 9 people living in a 2 bedroom house. I'm not trying to bash them too much, but 4 out of 4 kids dropped out of school, all of them (including mother but twice) have been in mental institutions, one brother has just been arrested for armed robbery, the mother allowed my wife to move out and live with 25 year old friends when she was 12, allowed her to get a tattoo when she was 11. When we first started dating, she still had some problems, but I saw the "good person" person in there. That person did come out, but she'd relapse occasionally. I just wish that she didn't choose to move back in with them, because I'm worried that the good person will not come back this time. I realize that people change, but how often do people change so much so fast? She's bipolar, but refuses to do anything about it. Whenever we're good, we feel like nothing can stop us and we can take on the world. When we're not, it's like being in quicksand with her family pulling down on our legs. I just don't want her to turn back into them. I'm so scared on what may happen and need her in my life. I'm doing good on giving her space and such, but we still have a mortgage and bills to pay. She wanted to give her brother money so his car wouldn't get repo'd, instead of paying our overdue mortgage. He's either going to be in jail or house arrest in a month or two, so why would he need a car to begin with? Sorry for the ranting, I guess this is a "venting" post.

[mkultra]

Go to the library if you have time and check out any Divorce Remedy books. The librarian can order them for you. Do not enlist her family as this will seem like an act of betrayal. Do some 180s now by getting your home in order. Make the primary residence seem as safe and loving as possible. No one wants to come home only to be begged, cajoled, guilted or to get into trouble. She has a drinking problem and family issues so she needs to go to counseling, but that will have to be her decision. Plus, it is very expensive if you do not have health insurance. There are some county programs that help with marital and alcohol abuse. Do not badmouth her. Stay positive. The bar is a horrible place to comiserate. That is where my H works and now he is having affairs and is drinking and driving and may have a drug problem. Bars are very bad for married folks but you cannot control her. Maybe show your face a few days to show thatyou are willing to be the one to pick her up if she gets drunk. The bartenders at my H's work kept on eye out for me and I put up a pic of our kids on the bar mirror so everyone knew he was married. Still, bar whores are bar whores. As much as it is killing you, you came here so that means you have now assumed the stable role and you will need to support her until she is ready to be a divorce buster. Believe me, I know. My H and I switched places. I always wanted out andhe always keot the marriage going, now he wants out and I am trying to keep things going. But now there are kids and Other Woman involved, makes it much tougher. You can do it even if you are doing it alone. But you need to read the book. Buy it used and get your finances in order. Youcannot support someone else until you can support yourself. It is like that airplane analogy. Put on your oxygen mask first or else you cannot help others. This is a good venting post so feel free. You would be surptised how many people can relate to your problems with bipolar.