I am starting a new thread, because I have been reading,and talking to therapists, and other counsellors, and reflecting on the nature of this thing called MLC. I must stress that this is my view, and not hold anyone else responsible for the opinions!
Many of us who post have seen a common behaviour pattern displayed by our spouses, and I believe they are suffering from a severe crisis of identity, which occurs because they cannot any longer integrate the various ‘personas’ they have created, in order to manage their lives to date.
Many of the WAS spouses have unresolved problems relating back to issues in childhood and adolescence. As Snodderly said in a recent post there is often some sort of incident or series of incidents in the period 18 months to 2 years prior to the ‘Bomb’.. These incidents may provide the trigger, as dealing with it challenges the current persona that the WAS has constructed..
The ‘six stages’ represent, I think, an effort to see some sort of pattern, but what I believe may be happening is that the WAS spouse is living out, either fully or in past a whole lot of repressed behaviour. The anger and lashing out at others, and blaming them is a way of avoiding the pain and guilt they feel at ‘failing’ themselves and others. The person they were living as cannot cope with life any longer, and they ‘run away’, sometimes actually, or they retreat form the marriage, and their former life. We see reports of a sense of ‘entitlement’ and a rewriting of history in an attempt to face up to what they are actually doing,
Many of us have commented on the ‘unsuitability’ of the OP. This claim is viewed with scepticism by some [‘We would say that wouldn’t we?] but actually the pattern is that many of our spouses do hook up with someone who is uncharacteristic for their pre MLC persona. We hear too many reports of verified mental instabililty and drug taking to simply write this off as the LBS being uncharitable. One of my friends said that she regards spouses going off with someone ‘suitable’ as a much bigger threat to the marriage. A body-pierced crackhead is hardly the person of most people’e dreams.
All of this comes as a terrible shock for us, and we are devastated. We want our spouse back. It causes us to question our lives too. The advice given to Get A Life, is good advice. Our spouses may work their way through the crisis, and deal successfully with past issues. They may or may not want to return to their partner. They have done a lot of damage. They may be too proud or to stubborn to seek help. They may construct a little world that they can continue to inhabit.
Some will not deal with the crisis, and simply construct a new identity, and get on with their new life. In my view they will remain a walking time bomb, but that is their decision. If you don’t deal with your past issues they will return and return, but it is a question of facing the pain, and not everyone can do that/
I believe the more we understand what is happening with our WAS, the more it helps us to come to terms with it, and to heal. Taking it personally was the most destructive thing for me. Seeing it as a profound crisis in which I was largely an onlooker, has given me perspective, and given me the strength to rebuild my life, and in my case, the patience to wait it out for now, at any rate.. Will he emerge? I don’t know, he is one of the slower ones certainly. Will we still want to have a relationships with each other? I don’t know. We both have a choice in this. My future is no longer 'dependent' on the outcome of his return, much as I believe,I would welcome it.
Well said, Angelica. I believe that MLC has as its core a poor ability to cope with reality, and thus the need to try on new personas, run away from existing issues, and disregard personal responsibility.
MLC is best viewed from a safe distance. If we fall into the trap of personalizing the crisis, then that is our issue to work out. This is not to say that the partners of MLCers are saints; in fact, our spouse's crisis is a good opportunity to reflect on our own behaviors and make changes to become better people.
It is wise to let go of the outcome and to continue to live, learn and grow. Sounds like that's exactly what you are doing. WTG!
I am happy that you have started a new thread. I looked you up last night wanting to post to you because of your calm, detached way of dealing with these issues. I need some sanity and calmness.
As you know, my S18 just returned home the hospital. We have been thru a traumatic experience and are now resting and healing. My parents have been very supportive through this ordeal which has been unusual for them. My mother suggested a book to me yesterday...she has implied that I am bipolar. I have to chuckle at this and am not allowing her to push my buttons as she has in the past. She has spoken to my 'ex' in the past and refused to divulge what was discussed saying she did not want to get 'in the middle' of things. I told her she was doing that by having any discussions with him.
My parents tend to bicker like elementary school children and my kids and I find it silly. It's almost like a circus at times. They drag us into things if we allow it. I have felt like at outsider for years because of our family dynamics. Because of this, and my 'ex's' leaving, I am allowing people into my life who can communicate with maturity and clarity w/o all the childish games and yes, nastiness.
My future is no longer 'dependent' on the outcome of his return, much as I believe,I would welcome it.
I love this...I feel this way too. Well, not so much the welcome it part, but the idea that I have reached a place where my future is no longer dependent on his return. I see it as a very remote possibility, and something that, in all likelihood, if it were to happen, would only be a toe in the water, and not a full fledged attempt at reconcillation.
But it truly matters not, because I have found so many things in my new life that make it full and wonderful without him. That part of my life was good. This part of my life has the potential to be even better. It's all up to me. How exciting!
Mickey - glad your parents are being supportive. I never give up hope of people finally growing up! Your parents might 'get it' one day, or their relationship dynamic may depend on this. A friend of mine whose parents had a quarrelsome relationship died with weeks of each other - couldn'tlive without it.
You deal with what life throws at you with such grace.
Living through MLC is not something we would have chosen, but then as someone [Always I think] once posted, if life was fair we would all spend more time in third world countries.
Angelia, An excellent posting and one you put a lot of thought into.
I'd like to add one thing about the masks. The trying on of the masks starts very early on. When they are children, and they are constantly under the thumb of parents and/or guardians who either are too busy to pay attention to them, phyiscally and emotionally abuse them, don't validate their thougths and feelings, etc., that's when the child will begin to wear the mask that will most likely save them at the time from additional harm. They learn to "stuff" their hurt and emotions because they know that no one gives a fig about them. Even when they are so unhappy, they will continue to try on the mask of "happy" or close to it.
The mask wearing continues throughout their adult life until something triggers the process. From then on, the person you thought you knew turns into a different person. Actually, what we are all seeing is the inner child coming out that was hurt so long ago and has been stuffed down for that period of time as well. Once the inner child has rebelled long and hard, only then will the adult learn to integrate all of the emotions together and become a whole person once again. The one thing that everyone needs to understand, there is no guarantee that when the complete integration takes place, that the person you knew will be the same one that comes out the other side. Many times, they will come out no differently, there are some who will be the same but will have some of the new traits picked up along the yellow brick road. Others will come out totally different and will not be the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and then there are those who never exit and remain totally lost.
Just like life, it's a gamble as to whether the person you loved for a very long time will be the same person once the crisis is over. That's why it's very important to live your life to the fullest and allow them to go on their merry way and discover themselves.
I hope that what I've written will make some sense to you. It's a very long process and the "Ball" for mask wearing began a very long time ago for the people in crisis, it didn't just happen when the triggers began.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Annie - I would welcome the return of the non-alien, even for his friendship. We could discuss anything, and there aren't too many people in the world that you have that with. He is such a humourless jerk right now, poor thing. I wouldn't want to discuss the weather.
He sent a really pathetic email to his eldest son asking for information about a prescripition drug [this is a professional researcher btw] It took my son exactly 30 seconds to find the information. The clear sub text was 'Oh I am ill, and I want sympathy and attention' Dork
snodderly, this is so true. I see it in my ex, all the masks that he wore. He had the persona with his older brothers, putting on the macho bravado in response to their treating him like the baby boy. He had the persona with his male buds, the guy's guy, never wanting to rock the boat, never calling someone out on bad behavior, just wanting to get along, avoid, and be liked. He had the charismatic charmer with the ladies and in work situations, again, ever the pleaser, never wanting to do anything hard. Not an avoider of hard work or lazy, mind you, but not wanting to deal with anything controversial or confrontational.
I think, from what bits and pieces he told me, he had real anger issues as a young man (learned from a father who had an explosive temper) that led to the end of his marriage to his son's mother when his son was an infant. After that, he made a conscious effort to glue on a new mask, an un-angry mask, and swallow that anger any time it reared its head.
I think the person that I saw come out in the early stages of our relationship and for the first part of our marriage was finally the real person, a fully integrated personality, someone who was at peace with all the pieces and parts, someone who was vulnerable, someone who allowed himself to feel and express his emotions. Someone, who, as he once wrote to me, I had helped "unchain" from the "self-centerdness" that before me, had been his "one and only focus."
But that's a hard walk to walk over time, especially for a man, I believe. And life's challenges and failures make it easier to revert to those things that come more naturally and put those masks back on.
So I feel like I had the benefit of that period of time in his life when he was at his best. Will he ever be able to get back to that? I don't know; I am sure it's a very scary proposition to let yourself be vulnerable again, especially when you, in some ways, believe that allowing yourself to be vulnerable got you to such a bad place.
I pray for him, for peace, for clarity, to be led out of the darkness. All the same things we pray for ourselves.
Lis, Believe it or not, our situations are closer than you think. My xh was a firefighter as well. Small world isn't it?
Yes, the masks they wear begin at a very early age and what you've posted about your family, well...you've described my own. My xh couldn't handle it. He wore a number of masks over the years. His own mother told me that she never knew what he was thinking because he never gave anything away w/facial expressions or body language. My xh very seldom smiled or laughed. If he did, it was a very rare occasion. He wore a "poker" face all of the time. He never showed any emotion unless he was really furious about something. He was very passive-aggressive too. I always called him "Mr. Personality". His personality was dead, nothing special as the years went by.
You hit it on the nail head--mine is trashy too--the HO is nothing but a lounge lizzard. Yes, it is very interesting.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
