Is it MLC when they bring it up?

[Steel_Box]

A little history:
I have been dealing with a WAW for a while now. I guess it has been official since April. That is when she told me She had been having an A since January. I think that there has been nothing physical since June 15th but she is still in contact with OM. We are seperated but are in contact daily due to our 2 small children. We have actually been getting along together pretty well since the end of July. Mid july she called me and asked if I would be willing to go to MC with her. I said yes, but am still waiting for her to make the appointment.

Other signs/symptoms are:
she has been having problems sleeping (went to Dr. and got Rx)
she is acting depressed and even questions depression herself.
She is consumed with her work and doesn't see it.
Had/is continuing(?) affair with coworker.
Says she wants to work on M,even suggested ways to do so but takes no action on it. (counseling appt, NC with OM, Investigate other job options, etc.)

My question is that lately she has refered to our sitch as "I think I am having a MLC". I think she probably is , but is the fact that she sees this true recognition, or just a defense mechanism?

Since everyone here will be more knowledgeable than I, please give me some insight.
My thread

[job]

Steel,
It sounds like she's deeply depressed and is questioning what she's feeling and doing. Yes, some of them will say something about having an mlc, but deep down, they won't ever really admit it to the fullest extent.

What other symptoms/signs have you seen? Did something happen to her or her surroundings in the 18 months leading up to the depression?

I would suspect that she's transitioning into her next phase of life. Mlc? I want to hold out on my thoughts on this one until you post a bit more about her and her behaviors.

Start reading up on depression and you'll find that many of the symptoms that you've posted are directly related to depression. Yes, even the om, gambling and drinking, etc.

[Imageer]

Yes, some of them will say something about having an mlc, but deep down, they won't ever really admit it to the fullest extent.

Do you think that it is that they won't admit it or that it is more that they don't understand it themselves? I know when I came here, I thought that a MLC was a comical thing that happened to middle aged men where they coloured their hair and bought a red sports car. (oh how wrong I was)

[job]

They really don't understand what is happening nor why. One day they are feeling fine and the next it's poof! Actually it is a very gradual thing for them and for us as well. It happens over a very long period of time and then the depression really drags them down.

Up until a few years ago, MLC was considered the red sports car, the young chick on the arm of an older man, gold chains wrapped around the neck and the shirt unbuttoned to the naval. People thought it was just "acting out" one last time, never realizing the depth of the mlc to a person.

Women, on the other hand, were coined the phrase "she's going through the change of life" when they acted witchy and all over the board.

No matter what it is coined--it's depression and hormones all mixed up in the mix that is creating a lot of the topsy turvey stuff we are all witnessing.

Not many of them will fess up that they are experiencing an mlc unless it's a very, very mild one. The more intensive, damaging ones will not admit it for one minute. At least, the ones I've spoken to. That's why it's best to let it ride out and not raise the issue of mlc w/them until they've cooled their jets a bit because they will deny it until the cows come home. So, keep it to yourself and just be someone to lean on, if the need should arise. There's nothing you can do, but let them go and experience life as they never knew it for a while.

[MidwesternGirl]

Don't mean to hijack but my H told me yesterday that he has not been depressed in years!!

Snodderly, if you want you can take a look at the latest:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1163471&page=0&fpart=7

Thanks!

[job]

SF,
Your h is a prime example of what I'm talking about--denial and not really understanding what is going on w/himself. Some of these people have been clinically depressed most of this adult lives and have lived w/it and never understood what they had. They honestly don't know what it is to live and enjoy life because the "dark" cloud has hung over them for such a long time that it becomes a permanent feeling for them.

Very sad. At least people are talking more about depression and their commercials about it in magazines, television and on the radio these days. It's not something that you have to hide any longer.

[Steel_Box]

Snodderly, thanks for anything you can tell me.
Here some more info.

Steel,
It sounds like she's deeply depressed and is questioning what she's feeling and doing. Yes, some of them will say something about having an mlc, but deep down, they won't ever really admit it to the fullest extent.

I also believe there is depression. I was depressed as well, I however have seen a doctor and started taking meds to control it. Since then have made significant improvement and understand it much better. In her case, she recently did see the family Dr. and discussed it with him. At the moment he feels that she has a mild case and it is probably being heightened by lack of sleep. I, not being a doctor, think it is probably the reverse.

What other symptoms/signs have you seen? Did something happen to her or her surroundings in the 18 months leading up to the depression?

It has definitely been a hell of a time the last 2 years for both of us. Let's see if I can list everything.
Oct. 2005 I suspected that she had an A due to a early morning phone call to her when she was out of town. (I now believe that there was not)
Jan 2006 In a discussion about a friend suspecting a potential affair by her H, I told W that sometimes even when there is nothing, something triggers the thought. and how I had thought that she had in Oct. (I meant this to be a good conversation on how I was beyond it and didn't believe it to be true. She didn't hear anything except "I didn't trust her") I handled this very poorly, should have just kept my mouth shut.
May 06 I start new job that quickly turns out not to be what was described.
June 06 She took a new position within her Company that requires significant travel (2 to 3 work weeks a month)
July 06 her Grandmother begins decline with ling cancer.
July 29th my Father admitted to hospital for unknown illness. (she was very close to my father, more so than either her father or step father)
Aug 16th Her Grandmother dies
Aug 30th After 30 days in ICU my father dies from West Nile Virus.
Late Sept 06 her new boss questions "whether new position is what she really wants to do?" She was then on a mission to prove him wrong and began to travel quite a lot.
Oct 06 I return to my old company in a new position, better pay, more responsiblity, more hours, more stress - good move though.
during this time we both started drinking quite a bit more than usual (depression?) It was not falling down drunk mind you,(not a defense only an explanation) in my case it was having a couple at night to wind down so I could go to sleep. She was similar when home, I think she was drinking more when on the road though, I don't know for sure.
Jan 07 she starts having affair with coworker - I suspect it started as a drunken one night stand.
April 07 I question her about what is going on with us. She is distant, we are constantly at odds about something, etc. Since the last time i suspected something I did not handle it well by checking up on her and not asking up front. I asked her if there is someone else- She adamantly denies "there isn't anyone, there never has been, ALL our problems started when you didn't trust me back in Oct of 05!"
April 29th 07 upon returning from a trip the night before, she informed me of her ongoing affair with the coworker since Jan.

Since then it has been the "normal" rollercoaster

That is the highlights or lowlights.

[job]

Steel,
Actually you both are ripe candidates for a midlife crisis/transition. Go back and take a good look at the timelines and the triggers. You were strong enough to recognize that something was off for you and sought medical assistance. I commend you for that.

Your wife, on the other hand, has a physician that is being cautious and yet maybe she hasn't told him the full extent of her symptoms. The lack of sleep is one of those symptoms and and it's true that in some cases lack of sleep will make you feel worse, but if it's been an ongoing problem, then someone needs to dig a bit deeper into the situation and the symptoms. Has she given any indication as to why she can't sleep? Worry, anxiety, too much caffine? Has this been an ongoing problem for her or just fairly recent?

I hope and pray that your wife will opt to seek medical assistance elsewhere and get something prescribed for her "mild" case of depression. Unfortunately, she has to be the one to make the decision to seek further assistance. It's hard trying to help them when a medical professional has stated it's a "mild" case.

Please continue to take your meds and I hope that you both are feeling better soon and can get back on track w/your marriage. It's very difficult when you both have had the timelines and triggers that you have had.

Hang in there. Things have to start looking up for the both of you very soon.

[Steel_Box]

Thank you snodderly.
I don't know if I really deserve much credit on seeking treatment. I was blind to it and it was actually my wife who was the one that first recognized my depression and asked me to go see about it. After I found out that my father had been being treated, and the reality that I was losing her was put out there, I finally woke up and went to the doctor. I wish she could turn that perceptive ability on to herself

In the case of the physician, I am pretty sure it is a case of her not telling him everything, or playing things down. We both happen to see the same physician so I know that he is not necessarily hesitant to perscribe meds. He did give her something for sleeping, she stated that this is something she has dealt with off and on all her life. However, in the 10+ years we've been together, I don't really remember her ever having problems going to sleep.

I think that she doesn;t really want to admit to anyone that she is not in complete control and this causes her to spin things to be better than reality.

[Was2sad]

The first symptom of Male Depression is denial. So is second one.

Men avoid doctors and try to figure things out alone. Then they self medicate. That can include substances, women, cars, etc. Depression is the fuel of MLC. Haven't seen reports here of MLC without it, except maybe for SF's H, according to him. I also question that.

Like Snodderly pointed out, you are both at a prime age to be questioning your second adulthood, and your readiness to leave your first adulthood behind. This includes concerns about career ... often peaking too early, getting sidelined, or laid off. If kids are around, they are likely getting older and independent. The "mother" is not needed so much and feels laid off from that job also.

If the H has had trouble at work or financially, she may not see him as trustworthy as in the past. Of course you had depression with all this going on. Then the LBH makes the worst mistake and begs. MLC-WAW sees this as really wimpy. Sees OM as strong and complimentary, strong shoulder to lean on. There ya go. Recipe for hell.

Hang in there and keep updating. The folks here have been through the grinder and will give you all the support they can.