MLC and childhood

[Bruce1]

Can anyone elaborate on the supposed connections between MLC and issues from childhood, or direct me to books, websites that explore this angle?

I keep seeing brief references on the boards to MLC rooted in part in childhood and would like to explore this topic. I've got a lot to own regarding problems and I'm working on that. At the same time, WAW shows some signs of midlife crisis/transition/change, call it what you will.

Like many others, I was rather blind while they were happening, but I think I can see the signs now as I finally pause and wake up. The lights are coming on for me about my own personality, but I'm looking for a little more light to see if I can understand WAW. Perhaps a futile effort, but I'm curious anyway! I don't feel we'll ever be able to build a new marriage unless I/we fully see the dimensions of our problems. Michele's writings have been helpful. I'd like to know more. Thanks.

[job]

Bruce,
Go to the top of this forum and and click on MLC Resources. In there, I've written a number of threads, but the most important one is the one about visiting mlc through the eyes of a stranger. You will also find other threads in this particular thread that have tons of excellent information written by others. I also started a thread called "highly recommended reading material". This was created a few years back with some excellent reading material provided by some of the "old timers" here.

Take some time and read those threads. You'll find a lot of your answers in them.

[NewJourney]

Having been on this board awhile, I have seen 3 major themes pop up when it comes to MLC and childhodd:

1. There is inadequate direction and support, either due to a chaotic environment or abandonment.

2. There's repression/avoidance of emotions, and the attempt to make everything appear to be going along fine. And when things do go wrong, there is more blame than personal responsibility.

3. The MLCer may have experienced a loss of childhood, having been put in a position of needing to grow up too fast.

Just my observations!

[Valentine]

Bruce, if your spouse is in MLC...then they have been a walking time-bomb since childhood or early adolescence.

Here are some books that might help:

[list]
[*]Silent Sons (you may want to read Perfect Daughters by the same author Robert Ackerman)
[*]Women in Midlife Crisis by Jim and Sally Conway


I read SIlent Sons as it pertained to my H and "Understanding the MidLife Crisis" by Peter O'Connor...that has been an excellent book.

Look, it's a LIFE CRISIS whether its during the middle years or whatever...there are things inside of her that she may or may not understand. SHe may have moments of extreme clarity....she may SEEM like she has extreme clarity when telling you the most vile things...it goes both ways.

good luckin your reading! I hope others come to your thread and offer you some good advice.

Valentine

[Bruce1]

My WAW has had very low self esteem since childhood/adolescence despite being a brilliant and beautiful woman in so many ways. She just never believed she would do well on the exam (of course she got an A), or the food for the party would be good (people loved it) or the people at the party would have a good time (they enjoyed it immensely), etc. Her working assumption was always the negative/worst case scenario, and that she was never good enough. That came from her relations with her parents, who loved her in many ways but held the bar of success so high that she always felt she could never clear that hurdle. I truly don't think she loved herself, and I, due in part to my failures, couldn't fill her void. Granted, no one can ever fill your void, but I do feel I contributed mightily to her unhappiness with a lack of emotional connection and romantic validation. I took her and the marriage for granted for too long.

She's made great strides in that area in the past year. I'm truly happy for her whether the M survives or not. I'd believe we're both on the way to being better people in fixing our respective holes; the question is whether we can take those transformations into a better marriage.

[job]

Bruce,
Did something happen in her life about 18-24 months prior to her crisis?

From what you recently posted, yes, her childhood was quite stunted. She was most likely made to feel that she whatever she did was never good enough for her parents. They had the bar set too high for her. Her emotional growth was stunted possibly around the age of 13-16, therefore, she will need to go back to that time and try to grow emotionally from there.

It's very sad that parents can't accept their children for who they are and understand that children have limitations as well and need the love, nuturing and admiration even if they aren't always doing the best. Parents, back when we all came along, didn't understand what they were doing was damaging the children and their inner selves. Today, I believe parents are stating to look at all of these things and are coming to realize that our inner selves are very fragile and need that tender loving care, admiration and validation.

I do hope that things will work out for you and your wife. Bruce, whether you want to believe it or not, you are not at fault for what's transpired. Something happened to trigger her to go down this path and that's why I inquired about something happening during that time frame before she began her journey.

Please take care of yourself. Keep the focus on you for now. She's going to be okay, but she needs to find herself and come to accept that she did absolutely nothing wrong so long ago.

[mile_high_PMA]

Bruce,

I am very much in the same boat as you. Since the crisis started, I have been desperately looking for some information that connects my W's MLC with her childhood. The threads snodderly suggested has been highly enlightening, but I am still hunting for the missing piece of the puzzle. This might have something to do with my analytical background but .....

Its natural for us LBS to justify every single thing we did wrong in our R and M - but thinking back it was both of our faults in neglecting each other after our 2nd kid was born. The sitch gave me the wake up call to understand what could be made better in a M and I am definitely working on making myself better. But my biggest repent is not seeing the signs since my it all started 2 years ago and connecting the dots to start looking for a solution. It was exactly 2 years ago on Labor day holidays, my W went with her mom on a cruise and came back as a new woman, ooops, a teenager. since then she has had multiple EAs, got pregnant, done abortion, got her tubes tied, been depressed and taken on wine and drinking. Recently her best friend's father passed away at 57 and W's mother mentioned to her that she's scared since her mother (W's grandmother) died at the same age as she is in. And soon after came the ILYBNILWY...

Were there dots? sure there was, I was an idiot in not picking up the pencil to connect them.

Coming back to the connection of a MLC W with her childhood, I haven't seen any match with what people think could be the reason and that is part of the reason why I am still hunting for the missing piece. All I know is that my W was brought up in a good well-to-do family with good self esteem. Her parents have been married for 50 years. W's dad was a busy real estate guy who might have been very busy building his business while neglecting to spend time with his kids. My W was definitely pampered and her needs were always met and she continued with that 'spoiled daughter behavior' during our M. In her teenage years, W would run away from home, do drugs and have sex with military boys - a behavior her parents didn't know and would never approve. W's elder brother who was delegated to keep an eye on her actually snooped on her, imposed curfew and deal with her in a very heavy handed manner. When I confronted my W with her shenanigans, staying out late at clubs and coming home at 3 at night reeking of alcohol, the first thing she accused me of was who am I do impose a curfew? My W's mother on the other hand has given her all the reign and independence. Now my MIL doesn't want to stand up to her D's MLC behavior and she is accusing me of emotional neglect of her that caused her seeing OMs.

Something inside me tells me that there was a severe lack of emotional connection between my W's father and my W. Its my theory and I am sticking to it. I have decided to improve myself no matter what happens to our M. The only reason I am still looking for that puzzle is so that I do not repeat the same blunder with my 2 DDs.

[Bruce1]

Thanks, Snodderly. I have found your posts very helpful. I'm trying to piece a timeline together, and some of the obvious issues (death in the family, illness to her or a loved one, loss of job, etc) don't apply. I do have a couple of possibilities, however, but they may be reaching:

1. Last summer (July) my brother seemed to take a turn for the worse regarding complications from a brain tumor. He suffered a tumor 10 years ago, and has had 7 surgeries since then. Thankfully, the cancer never returned, but they kept having to deal with complications from the first surgery. Last summer, there was a period of a few weeks where he was likely to have very serious surgery, one with potentially life altering complications. Thankfully, the initial diagnosis was wrong and no surgery was needed. My brother lives in another city, and so it's not like he and WAW saw each other regularly. Still, she sincerely cares about his well being and was relieved, that the surgery didn't have to happen. That's all that we talked about it, so my evidence here seems thin.

2. My WAW has a deep, deep fear of doctors. Hasn't been for a physical in years. Last fall, for some reason unknown to me, she started seeing a doctor. However, for months she could only go and talk to the doctor to get emotionally comfortable with her, the office, etc. She would go once a month or so. It was only this spring, a couple of months before we separated, that WAW came home and proudly said she let the doctor take her blood pressure. That was a real breakthrough.

Now, to complicate the picture, around the time that she started going to talk to the doctor, WAW kicks into an exercise/diet regimen like never before. She would walk 2/3 times a day, 7 days a week. This spring, a couple months before we separated, she proudly told me she had been walking every day for about six months straight. She has lost a lot of weight, bought new clothes, a new car (Mini Cooper that she had to have right away; used to drive a Volvo), new jewelry, etc. She started being more conscious of food, giving herself one "off" day per week from the diet.

The changes are great. I'm truly proud of her; she's healthier, more self confident, etc. My theory, and that's all that it is, is that the doctor told her something that scared her. I'm convinced there were no actual tests done as she was too scared for those, but my guess is that the doctor may have talked about family medical history (both her parents are still alive, though father has leukemia for past five years; he's doing great; once he got past the initial diagnosis and early treatments, he's been just fine) or, simply by looking at WAW, told her that a 39 year old woman should lose some weight. She wasn't grossly overweight, but she needed to lose some weight for health reasons. I thought that, but never told her given the self esteem issues and my conflict-averse nature.

I have not had any health issues during our relationship, though my mother died when I was 14 from breast cancer.

Let me add that my wife has long had a deep fear of death. She fears food contamination (won't buy a can with even the smallest of dents in it out of fear of botulism), read the ending of the recent Harry Potter book to make sure Harry lived, and wouldn't read The Five People You Meet in Heaven when her book club selected that. I could go on with this angle, but you get the idea...

I'll own my failings in this marriage, and I am working on myself as never before. As hard as the separation has been, I feel it's been the necessary kick start I needed for a journey of self discovery I should have launched 20 years ago. My changes are for me. I can't control her, etc. I've avoided most of the big mistakes people make in terms of guilt, pressure, R talk, etc. This is one of the places where my conflict averse personality may have been a benefit!!! I'm being patient, patient, patient! I'm not under any illusion that we will get back together, but I will stand for my M!

Still, the more I read and reflect, the more I think this MLC/transition element adds a whole extra layer of complexity to this picture.

Many thanks.

[job]

You will find that each life transition is different and complex from the next one. The transitions are trying for those of us who have to sit on the sidelines and watch others grow up and learn to be the people that they were destined to be, not what their parents, guardians and others expected them to be.

Your wife has a lot of phobias that will become stronger as her transition takes her deeper within herself. Those phobias will be a part of her depression. She'll have all kinds of illness suddenly pop up and there won't be anything wrong w/her that the physician will be able to detect. She'll complain of being tired, aches and pains, colds, high blood pressure, she may exhibit anger, lack of sleep, may sleep more, loss of appetite, then again may eat everything in sight. Her appearance will begin to change. She may experiment with body piercings, tattoos, change of hair style, color, and the last one--begins to wear younger, more youthful looking clothes. This will go on for a while and then you'll begin to gradually see her toning it down again. Her appearance will start to look tired and run down, she'll begin to age and the twinkle that once was in her eye is totally gone. She's depressed and will be quite negative in the way she thinks and speaks about things. This is all about the transition that she's going to be experiencing in the months ahead.

It's very complex and it's not about the red spots car or the sugar daddy, it's about emotions. Emotions will be what rules her world, rational thinking will go out the window in time. It will become her "me" world and she'll not give a hoot about what you or your family wants. She will feel entitled to everything. Why? Because her emotional growth was stunted a long time ago and she's got to grow up.

I'm sorry you are here, but I can assure you, there are many wonderful people posting here 24/7 and will be here to assist you along the way. I'm just thankful that you are taking care of yourself and do continue to follow what your doctor orders and take the prescribed medication. For now, you are the most important person and you need to take care of yourself. God will watch over your wife while she's in transition.

[JMC]

Emotions will be what rules her world, rational thinking will go out the window in time. It will become her "me" world and she'll not give a hoot about what you or your family wants. She will feel entitled to everything.

I could not agree more with this statement, as this description could fit my WAW to a T.