I'm sorry to bring everyone down, but I was a success story a couple of years ago and now yesterday my H moved out. I didn't even see it coming, so now I have to assume that he was just pretending all of this time. I thought we were doing really well, except for my unhappiness with my work situation. But now he's using that as his excuse to move out. I'm not happy, he's not happy, so he thinks he should leave. Stupid me - I thought our marriage was the only good thing I had left. How foolish of me to think I could finally allow myself to talk about my stressful job and get some support.
Recap: - Me 50, Him 55 (tomorrow), M 17 yrs, no kids - Dropped bomb Dec 7, 2003 (appropriate date) - I DB'd for months, he kept saying he was moving into our rental apt, but he never really went farther than the BR down the hall. I kept DB'ing like me life depended on it, acting as if, pleasant, etc. We didn't talk about situation much. I stopped crying in front of him and asking questions after day 2. He goes thru all the stages of Mid-Life Crisis. - On a family vacation in Sept 04 when I met him at his parents lake house, he was eager to get back together. Next day he breaks his back water skiing. - When we get home, he moves back in our room and we go back to normal. It takes a year before I am sure we are really back together and am comfortable. - During 05-06 he goes thru major major back surgery and rehabilitation and I take care of him. I feel more confident because while he is heavily drugged in the hospital he says "I really love you, I don't know how I ever thought of leaving you." - During O7, we finally reach a point we can joke about it. Just about a month ago, I finally put all of the wedding and vacation pictures back out, from the box where I put them when this started before. He also is forced to retire because of his injury.
After his midlife crisis, surgery/rehabilitation, my mother passing away last year, my dog being put to sleep, menopause, and now I'm quitting smoking, I thought I was finally entitled to show a little depression and unhappiness about my job. Boy, was I wrong.
The only thing he said was the I'm not happy, he's not happy BS, he doesn't know if it's temporary, doesn't want me to do anything squirrelly with the money. Leave everything as normal for now. Quote "I just need you to support me in this, can you do that?" Unquote
My response was pretty much limited to just giving up and saying that I couldn't believe it was happening again. And that despite my being unhappy for the last couple of months I wasn't unhappy because of him.
Then, the last thing he says before he leaves, he has the f***ing nerve to ask if I'll take care of the dog (the one we have left), will I FEED him. I just asked him if he really felt as if he needed to ask that question.
Sorry for this long, long posting. I haven't cried yet because I'm afraid I won't stop. Last time it seemed I cried every day for a year. Went to therapy and read all of the books. DB'd my little heart out. But right now I feel as if I can't do it again. I can't believe he's doing this to me again! I have been a complete and utter fool. I knew how good he and his whole family are at pretending everything is fine and avoiding conflict.
I JUST CAN'T DO IT AGAIN!
IN4RIDE AGAIN
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
I just got done reading a medical study that links men and bouts of depression with physical injury. They stated that most (80%) of men's midlife crisis, depression, mental illness comes some time after a major physical setback. It screws up their head.
My problems with H all started after he recovered from back surgery at the age of 35. It is like they realize they are mortal after all, and are actually going to die one day. Freaks them out.
Breath, set back, and do some writing.
We are all in this for the long haul. . . .
ME 40 HIM 48 Married one year. First for him Second for me Proud parents of a baby girl
One of the things that go me through it last time was journaling. I've already written about 20 pages since yesterday!
Thanks for your support - I'm afraid I don't have the strength to do it again. And you know what? I feel as if I did everything I could to save this marriage, but I guess I can't. I could never believe it was real again, so I'm feeling that it would be a waste of time.
You have to be separted for 12 mos in MD to get a no-fault divorce, so basically I'm telling myself to just go dark, RELAX, and do nothing for the next 12 mos, and try to enjoy having the house to myself.
On the bright side, I don't have to host any Thanksgiving, don't have to decorate for Christmas, and will be able to lose weight again, because I won't be able to eat. Those are good things.
IN4RIDE
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
Just remember you Dbust for you. If you save your marriage whilst on that journey then all well and good but you can be a success without the M too. And get that first cry out of the way - it will help.
Keep posting - well you know what to do you did it before. Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
The prospect of even DB'ing again just seems to painful to comtemplate. But there is comfort in hanging around the forums again and getting positive ideas on how to help myself.
Everyone will have to excuse me if I don't spend much time posting on other threads. I feel as if any advice I might have been able to give is tainted now.
IN4RIDE
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
I think I've already made some positive steps, even though it really is deja vu all over again. Called the doctor to get something to help me sleep and even help with depression. Trying to relax, journaling, taking time for myself. Went through all of it before and it's heartbreaking to think it was all for nothing.
Unfortunately I still had that teeny tiny hope in the back of my mind that he might be home or call tonight, even though I told him to only come here when I'm not here.
As I suspected, he came during the day and picked up his bicycle. That's his priorities now, riding his bicycle and/or motorcycle and otherwise doing things only for himself.
Is it possible for someone to have two midlife crises? I swear it seems to be the same thing all over again. But maybe I'm just being too hopeful and it's simply that he wants to start a new life without me, plain and simple, but he wants me to make it easier for him by not changing any of his circumstances relative to the house or money.
Any suggestions on what to do? I am unable at this point to say whether my goal is even to save the M. I'm thinking the LRT is the way to go, go completely dark, and as I said just do nothing and wait out the 12 months. I believe he's going to do whatever he wants anyway and believe me, I understand I have no control over him.
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
Happy Birthday to the Dick - sorry that's really his name and I couldn't resist!
Doing much better today after a brief meltdown last night - I guess the crying released enough endorphins to push me back to sanity.
Without knowing yet if my goal is even to save the M, I've decided a few things like boundaries and taking care of myself.
1. I will not initiate contact - he went to the extreme of moving out to get away from me, so that tells me he doesn't want to hear from me either. I've thought about 180s and I'm not completely sure whether that is one for me, but clearly pursuing or asking questions is not a good thing during the first week at least.
2. If he wonders why I'm not calling him and why no 'Happy Birthday' - that's my answer. I'm respecting his request that I be supportive of him leaving me. (Yes, and I'm the one with the problems?)
3. If he wants to come back home in less than a month's time, it will be only after he's made a counseling appt for us.
4. If he wants to come back after a month, it will only be after we have been to counseling. And no, I will not be telling him I have any deadlines.
5. If he calls this week, I'm not ready to talk or get together for dinner yet. I want time to process things for myself. And I also don't want him thinking that he gets to chose the time and place. Our history has been that usually after I've worked my ass off all week, on Friday night or Saturday morning he announces his plans for the weekend, i.e, what motorcycle or bike ride he's going on, and I'm usually left to take care of the laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping that he seems unable to perform while I'm working all week.
6. Because he left, he will also have to do without the comforts of home. He has access to all of our/his THINGS while I am at work (and he's a man of leisure), but if he wants more than that or to see me, he will have to ask.
7. I will go out to eat by myself Friday and Sat nights, our typical evenings together. Even if I have to hang out in the Borders cafe all day, I will be out and about.
Very interesting thing I thought of last night. This is a man who has been in therapy for depression and alcoholism for years, goes to his AA meetings almost every night of the week. He's generally very open to therapy of his own choosing. But now I realize he has totally resisted going to counseling together where he might actually have to hear the other side. We tried it once shortly before he dropped the bomb last time, at his suggestion, and before the second appt he announced he really disliked the therapist and wouldn't go back. After that he would always say he wasn't ready. After he dropped the bomb in 03, he wouldn't go, and now he certainly didn't bring it up.
What does that say about him?
In4Ride
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
The db groove is coming back to me. Still haven't decided for sure whether saving M is my goal, but either way db'ing can't hurt the sit.
Positives today: I didn't call him - not too difficult, didn't want to call I didn't start smoking again I maintained a good PMA, just a few hiccups I didn't let work get to me
It's a little awkward because it's H's birthday, but he just left 2 days ago. Will no call convince him I'm being spiteful? or will a call seem like stalking? I finally decided that he's probably sitting there alone in that apt feeling guilty (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt), so my calling will probably just aggravate his guilt and make it easier to convince himself that I'm making him feel bad. I think it's too soon, B'day or not.
Finally, I decided to put a little feeler out and see what works and what doesn't. I sent him a simple email that comes up on this same computer - we have two different account names, saying "Just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday :)" He will see this next time he comes to house and checks computer while I'm at work, whenever that is.
We'll see what happens. If the response is a terse "Thanks", I'll know which way to jump.
God, I had forgotten how much effort it takes for such tiny bits of progress.
Oh yeah, I also lost it when I came home and saw an email confirmation for his order for new online service at the apt. Obviously, he ordered it before telling me he was leaving. So who knows if he's been planning it for days, weeks or months. I just keep telling myself it's no worse than last time when he hung around making all his arrangements in front of me for new carpet, new appliances, etc. at the apt.
I guess the lesson is - it doesn't matter whether they make all of their plans in secret or they do it right in front of you - it's equally painful and it probably doesn't have the same meaning to them that you can read into it. Last time H spent forever making improvements and spending lots of money to make the apt a great place for himself, and then he never spent more than a few nights over there.
You can see I'm trying to convince myself not to read too much into H's actions. Time to stop focusing on H and get sleep for me.
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
Changed my mind. Decided it's too pathetic to be wishing H Happy B'day two days after he walks out on me.
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
I just reviewed the 6 stages of MLC again - something I thought I would never have to do - and I swear he went thruough all of the stages. And it did happen almost exactly as described, but maybe his injury, surgery, forced retirement, which began practically the day after he came back to me, has spun him into a never-ending MLC loop.
Or maybe I'm delusional and he just wants out. I think that he never has dealt with his issues, which appear to be centered around not being able to deal with any kind of conflict and anyone who doesn't act perfectly happy all of the time. That's why he says he left, because I'm not happy (he said) and he can't deal with it (and I interpret).
Got to get focused on work now. Let's leave H to stew for a while.
In4ride Me 50, H 55, M 17 yrs 1st Bomb Drop 12/7/03 Separated mostly in house Come back together/H breaks back 9/04 Piecing, surgeries, recovery, H retires 2nd Bomb Drop 9/3/07 H moves out 20 min later
