Bluepoet is back...

[BluePoet]

Hey y'all. It's been a while.
I've been in a relationship until recently - didn't work out because of a difference in values. Plus he moved away to a new job. Almost got married again. It's very tempting to turn 'round and go find another relationship.
HOWEVER

I'm still in love with ex-h.
I don't know what to do. Most people just hold onto photos or memories - I have these warm and loving comments on my poems from just two years ago. I have poems he wrote to me, so loving and asking for more years. HELP!

Part of me wants to set up a shrine online where OW will see it.
Part of me wants to become somewhat of a nun inside this church of our memories -- which is kind of what my house is, due to being small and filled mostly with things he bought me during the last five years of our marriage.

When does it end? Do you think he would let me know if he marries OW?
I went to meet a guy off a dating site, and unfortunately he looked a lot like my ex, which kind of set things off and now I'm hurting again.

The pluses of what's current:
I've lost A LOT of weight (50+) and still going.
I do take care of myself.
I do get out by myself and do things sometimes.
I'm not dependent on anyone.
I have a couple of good friends that I see sometimes.
I put out a book of poems about experiences with ex-bf,
and am trying to work on one about ex-h.

The minuses;
When it hits me like it does tonight, I just want to lie down and cry forever.
Sometimes I'm tempted to see if he's moved back into the house, but I haven't anyway.
Mostly what hurts is that I can't say "I love you." because he won't want to hear that as far as I know.
I tried to move on, but unfortunately I still want him back. There's no one else like him out there and anything less looks bleak.

What I'm scared of:
That he will submit to pressure and marry her. Because that's how we got married thirty years ago and he's just recreating the same thing. If he holds off, I know it won't work between them, but I'm afraid he won't.

What's hard is holding onto empty air. We're divorced (as of May 29). I can't hold him, touch him, or tell him ILY. I don't even feel like I can call him anymore when I need something hauled. And when he doesn't answer email within a day, I find myself wondering (tonight anyway) if they've flown to Las Vegas or something to get married.

I feel like I'm shutting down inside again, because there just isn't the motivation to make it work with anyone else. I'm doing all the right things, but right now it just feels like going through the motions.

Help!

[BluePoet]

Isn't anyone listening anymore?

[*KS*Chick*]

I was going to say it's a holiday weekend, maybe the net users aren't online much, but I don't think this forum gets a lot of traffic.

I understand your feelings - especially feeling like you can't or won't allow yourself to call, etc.

You have to take the focus off of him - if he doesn't reply, who cares what he's doing? Because you're cool and that's all that matters right

I'm sorry - I'm in a weird sitch right now, and kinda given up on DB-ing so I'm no "real" help - but I am reading and "listening"

[BluePoet]

Well thanks.

Double hurt right now, because ex-bf has already moved on too. I had to break that off because he was being disrespectful to my concerns and being in another state, there was no way to work it out. He's already looking for dates where he is after only a week. THAT hurts.

It's not that I'm not being good to myself, I just feel so... replaceable. First ex-h, then ex-bf. And yet, except for not trusting ex-bf, I was practically perfect at being unselfish in my last R.

Is it just all looks that makes men fall at your feet, or what?
Not that I want them to -- I'd just tell them to stand up and just be with me.

I think the hardest part right now is not having a male shoulder to cry on. I know a sweet guy, but he's kinda too interested and I'd feel like I was using him. Don't want to go there.

As for the forum, yeah, I know a lot of people give up once the divorce is final. I was pretty sure I'd moved on until this week. I'm feeling pretty shut down and can't even do a good job of connecting with people anymore.

Feels like I want to go back into the nuthouse for a few days again...

[*KS*Chick*]

yeah I understand that feeling. For our sitch, H made it sound like he was SO hurt, he couldn't get past it, he'd be losing his best friend....and less than a week later, he was dating the EA that I'd been worried about, taking her to the restaurant where we met.....

Blech

[BluePoet]

I'm doing so much better today. I'm allowing myself to put my ring back on at night - that way, at least if I die in my sleep, it'll be there.

But... I got back to working on making a better life.
I'm going to a meeting tonight, meeting a friend tomorrow night, and another gathering on Friday. I've made another friend via email I intend to meet soon and might be taking dancing classes (someone needed a partner).

I'm determined to make time fly as I work, and wait, and watch. If ex-h returns or I meet someone first, we'll see. Meanwhile I've got work to do. I'm sure I'll still have down times, but tonight I'm feeling upbeat again, at least.

[BluePoet]

taking her to the restaurant where we met.....

OUCH! That's gotta hurt. Comes close to my ex-h doing the nasty in the cabin/trailer he bought for me to go write in.
Aren't they just sooooo considerate?
You'd think at least they'd want to make new history.

[*KS*Chick*]

I like that he's such a liar....makes it easier for me to dislike him.

[BeingMe]

Hi Bluepoet! I remember you from when you first posted. I am sorry your M ended up in D.

I don't really have any advice ... just continue finding things to do that you can be passionate about, and have fun. Life is too short to wallow too long on the what-ifs, although it is understandable that one gets sad sometimes over things that are possibly lost. Try and enjoy the present, let go of the past, and let the future take care of itself (I am trying to live by this now, and it's working a little).

Perhaps it was too soon to start a new R? I would say, give yourself another year of growing dependent on yourself first, before finding a new man (or even renewing a R with your XH, if he comes back into your life). It is nice to have a man's shoulder to lean on, but this is where we women give over our personal power, expecting the men in our lives to solve our problems, or make us feel better.

Just a thought! Take care!

[BluePoet]

Hi! and thanks for the reply!

Perhaps it was too soon to start a new R? I would say, give yourself another year of growing dependent on yourself first, before finding a new man (or even renewing a R with your XH, if he comes back into your life). It is nice to have a man's shoulder to lean on, but this is where we women give over our personal power, expecting the men in our lives to solve our problems, or make us feel better.

Actually I was lucky, because with ex-bf I really didn't have him solve my problems - often it was the other way around. Plus I moved into my own place and took care of a lot of things by myself. But you're right, it may have been too soon. I really didn't wise up to the fact that a person who's been single a LONG time knows to put their best foot forward for a while, until you've been around long enough they feel secure. That's the only way I can really explain it. I was quite taken by the man he purported to be, and when it turned out he wasn't, I went overboard trying to save the relationship.

I'm doing much better now. A really nice guy I met advised me to avoid getting serious for a while (if I can - obviously we're only human sometimes) and meeting as many people as possible so as not to get hooked on any one person too soon. That and spread out the "getting to know you" part as long as possible.

So that's what I've been doing. I got into the local singles group (see meetup.com) and have been hanging with them several times. I also changed my profile on dating sites to show that I am looking for dates - short term, long term and *eventual* LTR. (Not interested in casual sex) and etc. I've been lucky enough to meet several rather interesting gentleman and have corresponded and talked on phone calls with several more.

Really the hardest part was learning to sleep alone again. But in talking with several people (both male and female) who are also going through recent break-ups, I'm beginning to realize that though I may be alone in my bed, I'm not alone in the world. Lots of us are struggling.

My ex-h and I talk as friends now mostly when we're going over other business. He is living with OW and paying rent to her - I suggested he might (since the house won't sell) turn things around and move back into the house and have her pay him some rent. I think that if she's really that into him that she would want to ease his rough financial situation where she could. He still has to support me, but I'm being sympathetic and as cooperative as I can be about it.

I'm beginning to see it this way. I have the chance to find a much better relationship than I had with my ex-h. If it turns out I don't find one, chances are he won't find anyone else either (I doubt if it would work with her) and maybe someday ten years down the road we'll have both grown. (I wouldn't want him back if he hadn't.)

I sort of feel sorry for them. Even if their relationship works out, can you imagine having to explain to people how they met and that he was already married when they got together? That doesn't make for a beautiful "falling in love story". Not nearly as sweet as the one we had, anyway.

Meanwhile I have a great chance of someday being with someone a whole lot better than either ex-h or ex-bf. I just keep working at improving myself.

It's been weird lately. Furnace is broken and is getting fixed, I recently had plumbing problems, and money is really tight. But hey, I'm fed and warm (space heater) and can pay my mortgage, so I'm alright!