What is reasonable and what is not?

[Startingover2]

Thanks, by the way I feel strong for the most part.

I know that I can live without my H and be happy in life. I just prefer to have him as part of my life.

JAK

I think that is the best feeling.....After this year of being separated from H, I now know I will still go on breathing without him. Sure, I was sad and missed him but I did live.

Knowing myself I will go on snooping for awhile. I need to be selective as the past few weeks I was so wound up I was taking many risks.

We had a good day yesterday. He worked and then came to my son's football game. I had to stay late and help with a team dinner and he and his kids left. I just had gotten home and he sent me a text asking if I wanted to come and watch football with him. I did and stayed a few hours and left. His house is rather small and not ideal for me to stay there when he has his kids. I felt good going home anyway.

Signs are good, but like you said I will keep watching.

[Startingover2]

We had a great weekend. Exh and I went out of town for a couple of days to a sporting event and it was so fun. It just baffles me that he acts the way he does but still has contact with ow. Hes loving, sweet, attentive and talks about our future.

I looked on his phone a few times and there was one call with her before we left on Friday. Lasted about 12 minutes. No texts or calls since. I have heard from others that her dad is pretty bad off and the prognosis is not good. I hate to sound unsympathetic, but find another friend. I am sure she calls him and cries the blues but I still find it wrong.

A question I silently pondered alot this weekend was the H's and W's that have OP on the side whether its EA or PA......how do they justify the risks they are taking? They have so much to lose....families. How do they think its worth it? It's such a no brainer for me. Nothing is more important than my family.

[cpolk]

SO2,
Really great news from your side. Glad you had a good time.

You know your pondered question is a personal one, that's both yours and mine. Our collective spouses and the 'others' aren't thinking about what they have to lose. Though at the same time they aren't being selfish either. I've done a lot of painful soul searching on this one.

They are doing/have done what they've done because in part WE didn't do what we needed to back at the house. For whatever reason it was. We all played a part. They do their thing because its fantasy; it feels good and its easy; its also the 'in love feeling' an addiction. When they come back to us (PA) or hang up/log off (EA) its work and it also hurts (the R), its called real life. Then thrown in on top is family finances, the kids, work, and the day to day life that we live in.

To give you a glimps into what at one time I was working with concerning the EA my W was holding on to following my return from deployment (the PA was over), she was convinced and I quote "people can f*ck and still be friends". It bugs me to type that but you know what; that says it all.

She would deny to everyone including her own Mother that there was nothing left other than 'friendship'. The blanket was warm and she wore it well.

Those days I think are over now. The project we have before us is as surmountable as the Hoover Dam was to Roosevelt and his New Deal. Get a picture of what you want in your mind and make it happen.

[Startingover2]

Well, crap hit the fan.....he was here and we were watching football and his phone starts going off....he was a bit intoxicated and started answering these texts. He didn't know I was peering over his shoulder. It was to an old flame from before we were even dating that was completely obcessed with him. I believe she still is. It was random flirty texts.

I've had it....omg the guy needs his ego boosted! He just left and I sent him a text telling him when he wants to close the doors to all the other women and have a real relationship and family to let me know. I probably shouldn't have done that, but I hate this....he is such a liar.

How can he act and say one thing and then flirt with these other women at the same time? It makes me sick.

Now, am I unreasonable to ask for faithfulness here? We are trying to work things out and he is still flirting with past loves.

I need to draw that boundary line in the sand. This may have been it. OW was one thing that was tough....now its another.

[cpolk]

SO2,
I suppose the only thing you can do is to go with what you think is right; what you can live with. Hey at least you are divorced; that should make it easier. Right?!

I doubt it.

The line in the sand worked for me. It gave me my sanity back. I got to the point mentally that if my W wasn't able to accept; that I was willing for her to go. The thing is you can't make him stop. He must stop of his own accord.

Anything else might work for a while but it may come back.

You know I feel like an a$$ tonight. I totally misjudged my wifes 'pissed offedness' and distance and shortness as something that had to do with me. Her Grandmother and I knew this, is really struggling healthwise. She's depressed this weekend specifically. Preferres to deal with in on her own. I want to help her deal so much that it clouds my judgement.

In the past I'd have been like whatever you'll pull through. Over the past 4 months (since my return) I've discovered the true scope of my stupidity in my old R. While trying to pull my head out of my a$$ and make this new one work (a challenge) I find that all these new feelings that make it happen are overwhelming.

From a guys perspective and it sounds gay to say, these feelings are what is going to make this new R work. But I must learn to use them for good. Its almost like I'm learning to see or to hear for the first time; I just don't know how to handle it.

[Startingover2]

Thanks C....He keeps texting me and asking what he did wrong. I did break down and tell him he was lousy at hiding his texts tonight because he was drunk.

You are right, he needs to stop. I can't make him. All I can do is keep my distance. I honestly don't think he does anything physical...its more of that ego lift and stroking. Another pattern I noticed is most of these texts happen with OW (now plural) when he is drinking. Never during the week.

I hear you on the overreacting with your W. I always assume that if exh is in a bad mood it has something to do with me and he is unhappy. I have never felt so paranoid before as I do now. I am always analyzing everything....every word

[cpolk]

SO2,
To my relief as I woke her to tell her bye this morning she said that we just had a misunderstanding.

You know she can build me up as fast as she can tear me down.

I try not to think about this to much but as it is largely self defeating, but if all this is for nothing (things don't work out) its going to be a mess. I hate not knowing what the end result is. I hate that there is nothing I can do to help other than what I am doing.

I want so much for us to work yet feel so powerless to be successful at it.

[JAK58]

SO2,

cpolk is right you can not make him stop. He has to decide that on his own. That is why you set the boundry. You did good telling him that when he was done he could contact you. NOW GO DARK!!!

He seems to be getting back in to easy you need to make him do some thinking by detaching.

JAK

[JAK58]

I want so much for us to work yet feel so powerless to be successful at it.

Cpolk,

You are not powerless. You can be sucessful weather it works or not, just by taking care of you and being the best person that you can be for this R or any other R that there might be.


You need to detach from what she is doing(easiersaid than done ) and act as if, it does help to get thru this.

JAK

[Startingover2]

Thanks Jak.....always welcomed advice.

He kept text messaging me last night oblivious to what he has done. I guess he doesn't see it as wrong as we are not "married" anymore. I do. This is a time where rebuilding trust and security with someone is crucial. The past year has been hell and full of hurt.

One thing I thought about over the weekend...I was checking into our hotel on Saturday and he was out in the car still. I came out and he was angry. He had scrolled through my phone and was angry that someone I had briefly dated when we were apart was still in my phone!!! I dated one person for about a month and realized I wasn't ready. Exh has been through so many women. I haven't talked to this guy in a long time. Seems pretty hypocritical to get mad at me for something he is doing himself....

I'm sick of being hurt. I'm sick of being lied to. I don't care if he thinks they are friends....they are past ex lovers and probably pretty recently knowing him.

He should be texting or calling today defending himself and getting mad at me.