I'm new to this forum, and I haven't seen this topic anywhere. I've been separated from my husband for about a month, and he is moving in with the Other Woman this week. We've been on very friendly terms, all things considered. He is very confused -- he still loves me, but he is also in love with this woman. Things were pretty good until I started trying to talk him out of being with her, and then we'd start arguing. When that didn't work, I made the mistake of trying to woo him back by dressing sexy, and telling him that I wanted him to come home.
He had been over at the house several times a week, and I just assumed that he wanted to reconcile. Last week, he told me that he loved me, but he wasn't *in love* with me, and that he regretted ever marrying me in the first place. A lot of people started pressuring me to cut off all contact with him and file for divorce, because I was on an emotional roller coaster (LRT?). We went from being *loving but confused* to going cold-turkey.
I'm disabled, and I have no income. I will lose all my health benefits through my husband's employer if I file for separation/divorce. Our middle-school age son is extremely depressed, but he won't talk about what's going on.
I'm on Chapter 3 of the Divorce Remedy book about setting goals, but I read a little bit about the Last Resort Technique first. Did I make a mistake by jumping too quickly to the LRT?
I'd like to get back to being on friendly terms with my H, but I don't want him to get *too* comfortable with the arrangement. Now that he's moving in with the woman he's been in the EA/PA with, I hope it's not too late to reconcile.
Where can I draw the line? I want to be friendly, but not *too* friendly. This woman is putting a LOT of pressure on him to commit as quickly as possible, and he's not sure what he wants right now.
Ugh what a nightmare. Stop pleading and begging. Psychology says that will drive him further away. If you are sure he already knows you want him home you no longer need to remind him that you both want different things. It will make you lok like you have low self esteem. Wayward spouses move in with OP because they are in transition. If you do use LRT he will soon see the grass is not always greener but it may take a few months to a year. Maybe a few days, hard to tell. The problem is the damage to you and your son. Children take betrayal very personally and we need to keep that insanity out of our home by setting up some boundaries. Keep reading.. You will find reassurance that you are not alone. Focus on DBing. Focus on your health. Keep looking sexy and you will start to feel sexy and attract more positive energy. Try not to rally the troops. Of course they will say to file for divorce because they do not want to see you in pain. The problem is that divorce is not a pain killer quite the opposite. Reconciliation is ideal but you have to roll up your sleeves and really DB. Does your disability mean you are also on meds? Have you been to individual therapy? What about your son? I have enrolled my D6 in group and individual therapy. It is a beautiful thing to see actually. Kids and teens just need some reassurance that they are not the only ones in these family situations.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
My disability: I've had a really bad hearing impairment all my life, and I struggled all through school and in the workplace. This caused a lot of tension in my marriage. My H resented the fact that he had to work 2 jobs because I had so much trouble trying to get/keep jobs that didn't require phones/public contact, or even understanding verbal instructions from supervisors and co-workers. I'm going to apply for Disability this week, but the approval process takes a long time -- from several months to two years.
I've got a complicated situation, and believe it or not, the lawyer I contacted advised me NOT to file for divorce/separation right now. Seeing that I definitely want to reconcile, he told me to be very nice to my H, and hang in there.
My S13 is not in any kind of divorce therapy for kids, and I'm not aware of any programs like that in my area.
After reading what you have written, a couple of observations come to mind:
1. You have come to the right place. Keep posting; it's therapeutic and we will help you. This DBing stuff is not easy, and this is no place for wimps. We will help you and we will all help each other. And read what others post on their own threads (and contribute your opinions and ideas!!).
2. For now, skip to page 124 of Divorce Remedy. Read the entire last resort technique (LRT) section. Then read it again, thinking about what things you are doing that are consistent with LRTing, and things that you need to change. Then read the rest of the book. Do not tell your h you are reading DR or that you are DBing.
3. You say that you do not want your husband to get too comfortable with his arrangement. Understand and believe that there is nothing you can do to control your husband or his level of comfort. You have to let him go. I know, it's tough. But if you read other people's posts and see what they are going thru (and have been thru), you will start to see that we all have it rough.... and we all are sticking to it because we all know it's the right thing to do for us and our families. Bottom line here: If you can't control it, stop thinking about it.
4. You need to attract you husband back not by dressing sexy, but by demonstrating to him that you will be content (if not happy) with your life without him. This is extremely difficult. However, one of the tools that we use is something we call GAL (get a life). You need to find something that you enjoy that will get you out of the house and (preferably) among others. Examples, cooking classes, karate, aerobics, running clubs, fraternal organizations, church prayer groups (perfect for a praying wife), mother's clubs, support groups for the hearing impaired, I could go on and on, but I hope you see the point. You will not be successful at this unless you find something to occupy your time and mind. Time for you to GAL.
5. Are you seeing a pattern here? Let your husband go, physically and emotionally. That will draw him to you. You say that the other woman (OW) is putting pressure on you husband. Two things come to my mind: First, it seems that you view this as a negative. From your standpoint, is a very good thing. Nobody likes to be pressured. Doing this makes her very unattractive and needy. Let him go, let her go, let let her be desperate, and let her pressure him. Second: You can't control it, right? So what do you do? (hint: read bold type above....)
6. Finally (didn't intend to get all wordy here...sorry), with every encounter with your husband, you need to maintain positive mental attitude (PMA). Let me make this very clear. With every encounter with your h, you need to maintain PMA. This includes in-person, telephone, even email. Do not be moody, down, depressed, sullen, or passive-aggressive. Even if you feel that way, you need to put the happy face on for him. Cry when you are alone. Yell when he is not there. But to be successful, you need to be Mrs. Happyface for him.
OK, you have your homework assignment. Now get to work!!!
Listen to Mark!! this is all very good advice. Keep in mind this will take all the patience you have. Time is on your side even though you think you cant take it any longer. Patience, patience is the key.
Mark is right. Bscially you have to imagine you have already detached and moved on. About the sexy dress, I agree he may see that 180 as a false one. Try 180s that make you feel sexy in jeans and tshirts or however you are happy with yourself. I think we are not supposed to plead or come on to them to getthem to come back as that looks manipulative.
My also said this week he will be moving and hopefully OW will be going with him, "If it works out." What a j#@%.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
This morning, my H shows up (alway unannounced) at the house and says that he wants to spend time with our 13S. I had just showered, and I was dressed in old raggedy clothes because I was just about to go do some yardwork. I heard him in the other room, so I ran to the back of the house and quickly threw on (hopefully) more attractive clothing, make-up, hair, etc.
Walked out to the kitchen all la-ti-dah like I was having a great day. 13S really wants to go on a big 8th grade trip to Washington DC & New York City, and I told him last night that I didn't think we'd be able to go, considering the current separation. H read the flyer for the trip today, and he was just about to walk away with it. I said S13 and I REALLY want to go, and he said that he wanted to go there, too. This trip isn't until next summer, but he gave me the impression that we'd all go there together.
Hmmm... If he was REALLY planning on D, or future w/live-in OW, why would he plan a *family* trip like that so far in advance, PLUS the $$$$ investment in tickets, etc.?
The last few times I talked to him, I was pretty cold/edgy, but from now on I'm going to be bubbly, happy with myself, and GAL!
BTW, someone said spouses move in w/OP because they're in *transition.* Can someone please explain what that means in DB?
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” - Matthew 19:6
Here I was (riding the emotional roller coaster again), all happy because he wanted to go on the DC/NY trip with our son next year. Unfortunately, he dropped yet another bomb on me later.
I knew he was in the process of moving in with the OW and 2 of her kids, but I just assumed that they were moving to a town that's about an hour's drive north of here. That's where she got a job transfer.
Anyway, this morning H takes S13 (going on 13 in a few weeks, that is) on a drive to a house on the other side of the lake community where we live, and explains to him that this is where he's going to live -- with HER!
AND to make matters worse, they signed a one-year lease. We've moved 16 times, and we NEVER signed a one-year lease anywhere we've ever lived.
He naively thinks that I'll never bump into her. Does he honestly think I'm never going to see her at the grocery store, or at the parks, or driving around the lake?!
This all makes me sick. I know I was supposed to be all nice and friendly to him, but I was FURIOUS.
Still, through all of this, I have a tiny glimmer of hope that we'll reconcile someday.
Based upon your recent posts, it appears that you have not read the contents of your own thread. It's obvious to me that you have flat-out ignored what mkultra & I wrote.
I will tell you this: Reconciliation will not happen unless you change.
Please go back and look at what I wrote, especially #3. You are never gonna fix this if you continue to obsess about things that are outside of your control. You have put yourself on the emotional rollercoaster.
If you want an online journal, then I suggest that you get a blog. This is not the place for blogging. If you ask for help, please have the courtesy to read what others have taken the time to write in response.
That was harsh. Please keep in mind that I've only been on this forum for one day. I skipped around the Divorce Remedy book, and I'm a little confused about the terminology, and sequence/timing of everything the book recommends. Although we all have a common desire (to reconcile with our spouses), our stories and personalities are unique.
I don't know why you assume that I haven't read this entire thread or want to create a blog. I came to this forum seeking advice, and I AM going to take your advice, okay? I need to print out all the posts, and study them when I have a few minutes to collect my thoughts.
Emotions are running high, and I'm still trying to survive this. I'm sure you were an emotional wreck the first time you logged onto this forum, too.
Please be patient, and let me get used to this new way of thinking/behaving.
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” - Matthew 19:6
