Now I've done it

[nephartiti]

I still haven't called. I know I'm snooping with the bank account. It is the last thing I have held onto. I don't drive by where I think he is anymore, and the cell phone bill is off limits too. I think I was stalking him for a while there. Ooops.

I'm sure he does want to see the kids. He's probably expecting me to call or show up somewhere (that would be my usual behavior). So, he's either wondering what's going on (I hope) or he's too deep into LaLa Land to care.

I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow. Thanks for the hugs and support. I needed that.

[mkultra]

I am sorry but what kind of man leaves a baby so young?
I guess I could ask myself the same question. Morgan has twins. LWB and I have toddlers too.
It is just the kind of scenario our H's probably would have criticized last year. When my neighbour across trhe street left his two year old twin daughters, my H was livid, completely critical of that man.
How could these men fall so far? Does it really have something to do with the stress of having young children? Are we programmed so severely to believe in fidelity that it is all or nothing once a H strays? Maybe affairs were accepted in past generations tand divorce was just not an option. Is that why our sitches are so screwed up? Are we meant to believe that people do remain faithful? And if they do not they are disposable? Sorry for all the questions. But I feel that my H has gone so haywire because he was taught to be 100% faithful or just shoot it all to hell, no gray area. Does that make sense?

[nephartiti]

I'm hearing you, MK. I was just going through the MLC forum and am now utterly depressed.

Maybe monogamy is expecting too much, but what if the tables were turned? What would your H have done?

I actually asked my H this. He said, "I value myself too much. I would have just walked away." So I have no self worth because I still want to keep the family together? Is that how he rationalizes disrespecting me to this level? Funny, he cheated, and he walked away. I guess he was ready to walk no matter what.

I read somewhere that in other cultures, it is accepted that men will have OW for sex. They believe it is impossible for one person to meet all of one's needs. So a man will marry a woman for the role of wife, mother, companion, but he will have a mistress for sex and other things W can't fulfill (because she is busy taking care of home and kids!) Maybe I'm a product of my environment, but I think this is hogwash.

I remember the first night he didn't come home. He had stood us up on Friday when we were supposed to take the kids to the movies. We were all waiting. The kids had their snacks ready and their shoes on. They kept looking out the window for him. He had called at 4:30 and said he was on his way. At 8:30 he still wasn't there and wasn't answering his phone. I was worried sick. This was before I started checking the cell phone bill. Turns out he called OW after telling me he was on his way. When he got home, his story was that he had ran into some of his students at the store and hung out in the parking lot to chit chat for 3 1/2 hours.

The next morning, I calmly asked him if he was seeing someone. He said no. A little later he said he wanted to go to mass and see his mom the next day (she passed in '02). I said ok. The next morning, I asked if we could join him to see his mom as we usually went as a family. He said he would call me after mass. He didn't. Around noon I called him. He wouldn't tell me where he was but said he would meet me at Michael's to buy invitations for S2's B-Day party. I sat at Michaels for an hour waiting for him. He didn't come. He wouldn't answer his phone. I was a mess. He finally came home around midnight. I woke up and saw him standing in the hallway. I was so relieved. I got up and hugged him. He sat down and looked so guilty. Said he had been driving around going to churches. Said he was going to change. He was going to stop. I had no idea what he was talking about. Now I know he was in the beginning of his R with OW.

Of course I did all the wrong things after things became more obvious--begging, pleading, letting the air out of his tires (controlling him so he couldn't escape). He was confused then. Now he's not. Now he's positive he hates me. Am I crazy for sitting here trying to make it work when I haven't even heard from him in over a week?

This I know. We were faithful. Here, we see so many of the same stories, but this isn't how all men handle life and children. This is how our H's have handled it. In my heart, I don't believe we are asking for too much.

"When I said I wanted it all
Doesn't every woman want it all?
As a man do you find
Doesn't every boy smoke to cry?"
--Tori Amos (Ruby through the Looking Glass)

[SallyM]

omg, neph, my heart breaks thinking of those kids with their shoes on/snacks ready and waiting on him. what a dick. wow.

[nephartiti]

What a rotten night. Just couldn't sleep, and when I did I had a dream about H. He was telling me he still hates me and is not EVER coming back. This is the second dream this week. The first, he admitted the affair, very matter of factly, and said nothing was going to change in that respect.

When I awoke, I said to myself, "Oh, God, is this truth or just my deepest fears?"

I immediately remembered a dream I've been having for the last 2 years. It varies some, but, basically, I find out H is having an affair. I confront him. He doesn't care. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes he just leaves, and I am there in disbelief because I never saw it coming. When I say I've been having it for 2 years, I would say a dozen times in that time period.

I brushed it off as just being a deep fear of mine. Now I wonder, was God preparing me for this? Or is this an example of a self-fulfilling prophecy? Did I somehow subconsciously will this to happen? OMG, I can't believe I am just remembering this now. This is exactly how it all happened/is happening.

How the memories keep coming. About a year ago, I was looking at the pics on his phone (not snooping, just looking at the kids). I realized ALL the pictures of me had been deleted. Every single one. I asked him about it. He said he transferred all pics to the PC. However, only mine were off the phone. He had pics of everyone else, even his brother's dog. How long has he been building up this resentment toward's me? This OW was just his ticket out, I guess. I feel so dumb. I didn't see it coming. What a schmuck!

[LL44]

Oh nephartiti, what rotten stories you just told. Those kids....and then you having to keep it together for them, when you really wanted to drive around by yourself and find him. That's just awful. The pictures deleted? The dreams? Oh HUGS. I have dreams where H looks soooo hateful at me, with just pure disgust. They are awful.

I am so sorry. I just used "schmuck" in another post. I feel that too.

[kristy1584]

nephartiti, I am in a very similar situation. My husband moved out on Aug 1. We were separating so that we could work on our marriage and date each other. About a week after he moved out he stopped even trying he said it was over. I did nothing wrong. I found out this past weekend that there is OW he says they are just friends. But hes never home. I have to stop snooping Im so scared its too late and I want my marriage to work so bad. We dont have any kids so I never see I dont call him anymore bc I dont want to drive him further away. Something is giving me hope that he is going to come home in time but I dont know what is giving me that hope. Im guessing its God bc its definately not my H. Im addicted to riding by his apt to see if he's there or riding around looking for him. I want to call so bad but I cant. Im just praying that God will touch his heart and make him realize that he needs to come home. I just dont know anymore. I know what you are going through and Im so sorry. I know its hard. It's killing me! Have a great day!

[nephartiti]

Kristy,

Hang in there! Just give him space. Learn from my mistakes. Do not persue him! It will drive him away! My H might still be here if I did not go crazy chasing after him all the time! When you feel crazy, come here. That's what we're here for!

[nephartiti]

Went to see my therapist. What a wonderful woman. She reminded me that none of this is my faullt. H made his own choices, and they were immature and selfish. I contributed to the dynamics of the reationship, but this is his mess.

We talked about my control issues, stemming from childhood of course.

Getting to my therapist was hectic. My babysitter bailed last minute. In a moment of desperation, I called H (I know this is the worst time). He didn't answer, and I didn't leave a msg. Managed to find childcare. Cried all the way to my therapist. Parked the car, and H calls my cell. I almost didn't answer, probably shouldn't have, but I did. Kept it light. He said he was returning my call. Told him I was going to ask him to watch the kids, but I had it covered.

Me: "sorry about last week"
H: You mean at the school?"
Me: yes
H: Yeah, well, I was upset. I know you were too. I had to go talk to them.
(it was silent. This is where I would normally apologize over and over and try to kiss his a$$)
H:Thanks for the pictures of the kids (I've sent 4 this week). That was really nice
Me: You're welcome. You know you are welcome to come see them anytime. Just call.
H: Yeah, I am going to Riverside this weekend. Thought I might take them for the weekend.
Me: I'll think about that and let you know
H: We're going to hang out at my brother's (brother lives in Norco, not Riverside)
Me: I'll think about it and let you know. I have to go to my appt. We'll talk later.
H: OK
Me: OK bye.

Okay, ladies, does this make sense? He's seen the kids twice in 3 1/2 weeks. Now he's going to take them for a whole weekend? Away from home? He can't even get his story straight on where he is going!

HOw do I handle this? If I say NO, I am being controlling and keeping him from his kids. If I say yes, my nursing infant and toddler will be away from me in a strange environment, possibly with OW.

Maybe I should just trust and let go. Maybe this will be a good time for him to reconnect with his kids. He was going to keep S2 overnight once, but he got fussy and was brought home. Maybe I should let life teach its own lessons. I just don't want the kids to suffer.

I think I am not going to call him back. Chances are the weekend will just blow over. If he calls, I don't know what to do. I think I would feel differently if he had consistently been seeing them this whole time. He's in town everyday and doesn't come. AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!! He is impossible!

[LL44]

Your nursing son shouldn't be away from you for 2 nights. Your supply will drop even if you pump. Not to mention, how many bottles has he had anyway, and what about latching when he gets back to you?

Ok, I think you should stroke him a bit about wanting to keep the kids for longer amounts of time, but ask him to maybe just plan one night at first, for the sake of the kid's comfort. Then offer that he can come see them anytime at the house and you could go run errands. I wonder if he debates on visiting because he doesn't want "R" talk when he is there. Get him there one time and show him its not tense, that you won't follow him around, etc. I bet he starts coming more. Our aliens don't like to be cornered.

I am sooo not an expert on this, but thought I would throw my ideas out.