I know it's rough Nanah but you'll get through this. My boss plays country all day long which is basically either about cheating on someone or being cheated on or emotional songs about a dog. I could stand country before this all began. What you describe is normal and whether the R improves DBing will help lift your spirits.
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
I guess that it's actually clear to him that IF he should really be picking up an R with OW we could no longer be working together. That would actually mean that he'd give up our place. That he'd give up everything we achieved in the past 8 months.
So - please reassure me - the only way to go now is to really trust him on sorting his stuff out and DETACH. To take care of myself, get myself a LIFE again, to take care of my great & patient daughter. To be stunning, sexy, independent & clear about MY goals.
To try and not be hurt by him seing the OW. To rather call my best friend or post here when I feel desperate again.
Actually it is ALL clear to me. But it's sooooo hard to realize sometimes. And I still did not really find a way to deal with his drinking habits. So if anyone has an idea on that one and everything else, I'd be very thankful!
Please write! (he'll be coming around soon and I need support!!!)
I know it's hard Nanah. But yes, detaching helps because it helps insulate you emotionally. The way I look at it now is the A is THEIR issue and you can try to help or what not but NO ONE can solve someone else's issue (this goes for drinking too) it is theirs to solve when they are ready. I know other people here have said it but is true... you need DBing to keep yourself level. I would have completely lost it if I didn't find this place. Well maybe not... mmm ok I would have but you're among friends.
Stay strong Nanah you can do this
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
He just came around to talk about bookkeeping topics and the ToDos for the coming up week as I'll be out of town to see my very best friend for a few days. Funny enough - we talked about business again for like only 5 minutes and then got on a personal level again: as I didn't clean up well enough yesterday after work coz I was so devastated he had our waitress complain about me this morning.
He told me he defended my though in front of her and told her that I didn't feel well yesterday. (Which is true, but I hadn't told him that). Told him though tonite. And started crying again. Coz it seems like all of my "friends", employees and customers seem to not be able to really know how to handle the "new" situation and this is stressing me a lot.
I really need some time out - which I am gonna take now. He was really sweet when I told him about all that (which I actually didn't wanna do). Started to caress my hands and cheek and wipe my tears away. Told me he was very "impressed" on how well I handle the situation. We both agreed on the fact that it takes some time and patience to sort things out but that we're both doing a good job. And that it might sound strange: that we agreed on the fact, that even though separated we're still so damn important for each other coz we share a lot of the same responsability and sorrow. Then we hugged each other big time and decided we're gonna show everyone and the world that we're able to sort everything out fine and that we get our place running better and get out of our damn financial misery.
Gee.... and when he left he hugged me big time again and kissed me on the cheeck twice.
It now really seems to me that we needed to pull this emergency break to re-start thinking about ourselves and our stupid behaviour during our R. And each one of us seems to have a different way of sorting his ".hit" out... He with his EA and re-won "independence" (wonder how long he really want's to have it) and myself by realizing that I really need to learn to take better care of myself.
Strange feeling that I now sometimes (mostly when we're by ourselves) feel that we're getting closer than we ever were.
I gotta trust him, innit? I sort my stuff out, he sorts his stuff out. And I need to be patient. Need to become a good DBer with the longterm goal of being able to open a thread in "recent success stories". *giggle*
He just came around to talk about bookkeeping topics and the ToDos for the coming up week as I'll be out of town to see my very best friend for a few days. Funny enough - we talked about business again for like only 5 minutes and then got on a personal level again: as I didn't clean up well enough yesterday after work coz I was so devastated he had our waitress complain about me this morning.
He told me he defended my though in front of her and told her that I didn't feel well yesterday. (Which is true, but I hadn't told him that). Told him though tonite. And started crying again. Coz it seems like all of my "friends", employees and customers seem to not be able to really know how to handle the "new" situation and this is stressing me a lot.
I really need some time out - which I am gonna take now. He was really sweet when I told him about all that (which I actually didn't wanna do). Started to caress my hands and cheek and wipe my tears away. Told me he was very "impressed" on how well I handle the situation. We both agreed on the fact that it takes some time and patience to sort things out but that we're both doing a good job. And that it might sound strange: that we agreed on the fact, that even though separated we're still so damn important for each other coz we share a lot of the same responsability and sorrow. Then we hugged each other big time and decided we're gonna show everyone and the world that we're able to sort everything out fine and that we get our place running better and get out of our damn financial misery.
Gee.... and when he left he hugged me big time again and kissed me on the cheeck twice.
It now really seems to me that we needed to pull this emergency break to re-start thinking about ourselves and our stupid behaviour during our R. And each one of us seems to have a different way of sorting his ".hit" out... He with his EA and re-won "independence" (wonder how long he really want's to have it) and myself by realizing that I really need to learn to take better care of myself.
Strange feeling that I now sometimes (mostly when we're by ourselves) feel that we're getting closer than we ever were.
I gotta trust him, innit? I sort my stuff out, he sorts his stuff out. And I need to be patient. Need to become a good DBer with the longterm goal of being able to open a thread in "recent success stories". *giggle*
Just came back from my few days off at my best friend's place. Gee - how intensive in thinking, talking and exchanging views and insights these days were....
Wrote everything down in my journal.... 1st: we're separated 2nd: he fell in love with another woman. He cheated on me, lied to me and exchanged me in like only 6 weeks. Realized that I have never ever been hurt like that in my life before. Now I still do have to work with him. And our financial situation is horrifying. As I was so much into saving the relationship that I forgot about business. Hard to realize that.
For him basically nothing changed: as I need to 180 - coz going dark doesn't work in our case, he sees me as friendly and mostly relaxed with the situation of being separated. He has replaced our R by another woman (and kid as far as I know). He is still doing the same job. He is still drinking the same amount of beer every night. He is still mostly late, doesn't do more than he needs to do. Only thing that obviously changed is that he is no longer staying at home.
Now HOW can I save our business and survival with this kind of attitude? Do I need to be more selfish? I haven't really achieved a lot of my daily goals lately - but I guess I needed my time off to take a break and now get going....
But - and I need your help on that one - can I ask him for the following stuff - presume that I will do the same (or would that be wrong DBing):
- to be on time - to give 100 - not only 70% - to definately accept our common deadlines and agreements
And then again - on the emotional level: - keep me up to date about is he now having a R with OW or not - not drink so much in my presence but anywhere else
stupid questions, I know. But those DO trouble me. Would be veeeeery happy to get your advice!
as were are in a really extreeeeeme hard financial situation, H came over tonite to talk about how we can realisticly get out of there. Before we started, I decided to tell him that I neeeeed honesty and him to be reliable to furtheron be able to handle the situation. Told him that I am now able to see our separation from an objective kind of view. Which is true, coz I analyzed his pattern and drinking and EA belong closely together. So I am starting to NOT take it personally. I so much realized that the outcome of the situation really depends ON ME. On me starting to get going on my short-term-goals. And I know what they are. He said he thinks I am and will be much faster in developping my way of handling things than he might probably be. One more reason to get started on a fantastic 180 and a good way in "acting as if" when the OW is involved. He told me he cut down drinking and smoking at home, as he is staying at a non-smoking-place these days. And that he realizes this CAN work for him. We were both wondering about what made us so unable to meet our goals and up with our expectations towards each other while we were in R.
Now our COMMON goals are: (and they concern our business, nothing more) <- as HE thinks ;-)
- Meet every morning before opening the place to talk about the financial Status Quo and sort things out - Assist each other in finding a daytime-job by the end of the month to earn more money for the coming up months - start to go walking together one morning a week (which will be rather tough and funny coz we're both lacking of any sporty condition) - Be honest and reliable (talk about personal/emotional stuff when needed once a week)
I guess if we can make THIS work already, we will first of all be able to get ourselves out of this financial misery and save our Bar. Secondly, when we will have managed all of that, we will be either so close, that we do not wanna leave each other anymore and be able to rebuild R or I'll be strong enough to go my own way. Wish it will be the first outlook though....
What i really really know is that I need to get GOING. I am responsible for my own destiny. I can steer things, without letting him know.
Are you with me??? Do you think this ist the right way???? I really DO need some feedback!!!!
it does not stop.... so many overwhelming things keep happening - I really don't know how to cope. This is the BIGGEST Challenge I had to go through in my life so far.....
This morning when we met up for business meeting H told me his sister is PREGNANT. I could't take it and completely broke down. We stopped contraception about 6 weeks before we split up as we both thought this would be the right time to let fortune decide when we would have a baby together....
He was kind of understanding but still cant explain what then took him to the point to really split up - as he said today that falling in love with another woman was only a symptom of the bad state of our R at the time. And that he does NOT want a R with her (but what is he having with her THEN????)
I know that he still cares for me a lot but NOT ENOUGH to keep our R going. Or even more but he knows that with our own problems and things to sort out personally we would not be happy as a couple these days. I JUST DONT KNOW.....
He really wants to get us out of that financial misery though... and he would work twice as much to do so.
DO I have to wait it out? DO I just have to give the best I can give? Do I really simply have to realize my goals and work on myself to get things going again? Is there a chance of getting back together again after we went through this financial hell together?????
So many thoughts, so many questions.... I am REALLY desperate today!!!!!
DO I have to wait it out? Nope, you can quit any time you want, Are you a quitter?
DO I just have to give the best I can give? Nope, some people just go through life giving hardly any effort at all. Do you want to be one of those people?
Do I really simply have to realize my goals and work on myself to get things going again?
If you don't realize and work on yourself, who do you think will? It is up to you to be happy, not up to someone else to make you happy! Is there a chance of getting back together again after we went through this financial hell together?????
Sounds like if you can accomplish that in a good way should create some kind of bond.
Hang in there, it took me about 3 months after reading the book and lurking, before I started to get what to do and what not to do.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
