trying to get a grip...

[HBT]

W8ing,
Oh yeah, you'll love this - as if he's not MLC...

H will still be at ss apt (somewhat) because now tonight I found out that h has been crashing at an old work acquaintance's condo (divorced dad) who has an extra room! I do not know this person or never heard of him before! Talk about capt. insano...

[w8ing]

HBT - I am sitting here shaking my head....My first thought is "I will never understand". My second thought is "I am so glad that I will never understand because this means I am in my right mind..."

Sigh.

w8ing

[mkultra]

W8ing,
Oh yeah, you'll love this - as if he's not MLC...

H will still be at ss apt (somewhat) because now tonight I found out that h has been crashing at an old work acquaintance's condo (divorced dad) who has an extra room! I do not know this person or never heard of him before! Talk about capt. insano...

Try not to rally the troops. Try to act as if he is still an important part of your life. It is not so great that he turns to another divorce for support. You are really going to have to DB like gangbusters. Transitional friends can be a bad influence. You have to outshine their appeal. Live like their is no way he can paint a bad picture of you. Imagine his divorced and transitional friends saying, "Dude, what the heck are you doing? Your wife and home are awesome. Wish I had that!" Visualize living up to that.

Make the path back to you a safe and positive one. Think of that dog analogy where the dog runs away and the owner chases it so the dog runs faster. The owner leaves it alone but then punishes it when it comes home. The dog learns not to come home. Instead, when he dog runs away, the owner leaves it alone until the dog gets hungry and sad and the dog comes home and the owner rewards it with love and food. The dog stays and does not run away. Paraphrasing. I am bad at that. My dog is getting fed somewhere else though!

[Bruce1]

HBT:

I posted another message to you on my thread about "how much contact?" I don't know if you've seen it; I hope it helps. I'll try to remember to post here in the future. Good luck!!!!

[nephartiti]

Mkultra,

Love the dog analogy. Wish I read it before I mastered the first 2 scenarios. Now my dog is being fed somewhere else too.

Blasted! But, honestly, I think I am a better cook if only I can hang in there long enough to prove it.

HBT:

I feel for you. I too am constantly struggling as to where to draw lines. I feel I have let my H walk all over me and have contributed to his lack of respect for me. At the same time, I have a tendancy to go overboard and push him out farther then he wanted by drawing lines prematurely out of fear and anger.

When our current situation started, I freaked out. He said he was confused and didn't know if he still loved me. He wanted time and space. I responded by saying something along the lines of "If you don't know if you love me, then you must not. Get the hell out!" and he did, but not right away. I pushed and pushed and did a LOT of damage by reacting to my pain by dishing out more pain.

I am trying to sit and wait things out a bit. Once he left, I started right away with. So now do you want a divorce. Should I get a lawyer? Are you moving in with her? We need to separate the accounts! I keep making bad situations worse because I am scared and panic. For me, I hope it is not too late to change my tactics. He seems so far gone. My only hope is that I know, eventually, he will want to see his kids. I am going dark and using the LRT. I'm screening my calls where I used to pick up right away. He hasn't called yet, but when he does, I'm going to let him call a few times before I get back to him. Then, no matter what is said, I will say "okay, let me think about that, and I will get back to you." I am determined to be light and bubbly and sound happy. If I can't, then I won't answer the phone or call him.

I also intend to set some limits on visitation where before it would be "anytime, just call". How accommodating. When he asks, I will, as planned "think about it" then tell him "weekday mornings and Sundays will be fine, but I usually have plans on Sunday, so I will need advance notice." Just be matter of fact.

Since he has been dragging his feet about separating finances, I am going to back off and leave the next big change in his court. I'm not going to push anymore. I'm just going to be too busy to deal with that right now.

Anyway, my point is, lets not give any reason to send them running further. At the same time, some reasonable safe boundaries are usually necessary. Finding where to draw the line is the trick.