All signs indicate she is deep in the REPLAY stage of MLC. I have been DBing to the best of my ability and trying to detach from her, thanks to the Michelle's books and all the excellent words of wisdom I get from you guys in this forum. I am seeking marital therapy for myself and legal counsel as well, since my W has threatened with D in the last week.
Here is one thing I am struggling with. My wife has been exposing my 2 daughters to her OM at her apartment. It has not been one, but multiple of them over the last few weeks. I know my DDs are already heart broken about our separation and the little one is not particularly coping well with this issue of mommy being so close to OM when they are around. At the beginning it didn't bother me much, but I think its high time I set some boundaries with my W regarding this issue. I would love to hear from you all veterans on how best to handle it. On one hand, I am ready to talk to her in a quiet and confident way to stop having her SO in front of the kids. On the other hand, I do not want to make her mad thats light a fire under her to start the D process, which I want to delay as much as possible. I still believe in the sanctity of my M, I know we both made mistakes in our R, but I want to do whatever it takes to work on our M so that we can reconcile, even if that means forgiving her for all the destructive habits.
Please throw me some nuggets...
Me 41, ring on W 36, ring off married 13 yrs Separated D9, D5 bomb May, 07 My sitch
I know where you are coming form on this. Although my sitch is a little different, I have asked these same question. I have not yet come up with an easier answer.
However, I will say as an outsider looking in that your first priority has to be your kids. You are in a situation where you have 2 young girls being exposed to some strange man (or a series of them if I read correctly) that you don't know or know anything about. What you do know is that these men have no problem pursuring a married woman. It is important to look after the emotional strain on your kids, but in this case do not forget their physical security.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
My advice would be to nicely tell your wife that you are still married currently...regardless of what the future holds. Ask her to keep OM away from daughters until a decision has been made about the future of your M. Tell her it confuses them and you would hope that she wants to set a good example for them, especially when they become adults and will get into serious relationship leading to marriage. You are their parents and they learn from you...they are not going to think to much about their mom in the future if she keeps this up. I also have a D5 who was devastated when H left...It was hard enough to get her to understand what was going on without the added stressor of a SO. Be forceful about your decision just not confrontational because as we all know, it gets you no where.
Thank you both Imageer and moof2girls for your advice and suggestions. You guys are awesome and give me the strength to put my foot down on this matter.
Talk about my W abducted by alien - I would have never thought my W to be doing this teenage like activities. She is a social worker, a girls scout leader and I have always admired her for setting good examples for kids.
My kids remain the number one priority and I am trying to be the rock for them thru all this. I am concerned about their emotional side, but Imageer's cautionary note on their physical secutrity hit me like a freight train. My W has left my little one in charge of one her OMs to baby sit at at times. She has had so many of them over the last few weeks, its hard to keep track. I am not, I have decided to detach but I want to make sure I address my kids' security right away.
Me 41, ring on W 36, ring off married 13 yrs Separated D9, D5 bomb May, 07 My sitch
Reality is there is only so much advice people on this board can give you based on this situation. If you truly believe that your children are in danger you should be contacting a lawyer to find out your rights and what your plan should be.
Little ones expect that their parents will do whatever it takes to protect them. If that means you have to take legal action then that is exactly what you should do.
As far as what stage your wife is in, it just doesn't matter. Your job is to live your life, take care of your children and do no harm.
~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
I hate to tell you this but dude you gotta wake up.
MULTIPLE OM, with the kids in the house? OM looking after the kids?
You gotta take her on and get yourself custody of the kids, the way I look at it is kids get priority and the M is back burner to the innocent kids.
It's better to do this sooner rather than later, get yourself a good L and get to work, I've been through this and came out alive with my kids safe and sound. Take it from me, you can't rationalize with a MLCer, yes they may agree but it is a lie.
Keep reading and posting we're here to support you.
At this point, the well-being of your children is the most important thing. I am with shewholurks and lawless on this one. Risking your children versus risking your marriage is a no brainer. Children are innocents and always come first.
1. Talk to lawyer right away. In many cases you can legally prevent the kids from any overnights in a place with OM. Especially if there's a string of them.
2. What's the situation? How do you share custody now?
3. I think you need to end this behavior right now. I think a talk with her is in order. I also think she'll give you the finger. If she's so far gone as to expose your kids to a string of other men, she won't listen to you.
4. How can I say this nicely? You wife is being the village pin-cushion and modeling this behavior for your kids. A friend of mine once had this happen to him over 20 years ago. His ex wife is on her fourth marriage and each of his two daughters were so damaged by her exposing them her lovers that they are each on their third marriages. Both of his daughters got married three times!
5. I know your fear of upsetting your wife and tipping the apple cart is making you hestiate. But, it seems, at this point, when she's already threatening divorce, you need to protect you children.
Thank you and thank you some more for all the good advice.
We share custody right now, the girls are with me 4 nights at our (my) home and at their mom's apartment for 3 nights.
I have already talked to my my L and she has concurred that we can take legal action if need to to stop exposing these kids to this behavior. If this means I need to file D thats okay with me.
I do however want to give her a chance to rectify it through a friendly but assertive discussion. If she doesn't want to change her behavior, which is very likely, I will contact my L.
Since my younger D5 is already showing signs of behavioral problems, I am also considering a visit to a Family therapist with my DDs. Do I need permission from my W to take my kids to a MC?
Me 41, ring on W 36, ring off married 13 yrs Separated D9, D5 bomb May, 07 My sitch
Your wife is a social worker whose opinion would be weighed heavily by a judge in her jurisdiction. If she were reporting to the court about a situation such as the one she has placed her children in, what do you think she would say about that mother?
It is time for her to have a reality check.
NOW.
And if you don't step up and put a stop to this, you might as well be dropping the men off there every night and driving away.
