I was thinking that my H would be less likely to tell the C no than me. My mind set has been that I can not push...I can not ask for anything...I just have to sit and wait for him to get help on his own or for him to come to me if he ever will. Right now, I am tetering on the edge...I still want my marriage, but then I am thinking maybe I should start looking for life beyond that. I am considering filing and eventually starting to date. I want to hold on to my marriage but, I need to see some kind of movement in my H. Two weeks ago, I thought he was making teeny-tiny step but then he went running off again. I know my H loves me and I know that there is a big part of him that wants to be with me. I am just so frustrated because he seems to be okay leaving that wall right where it is, between us.
So, my question is now, if I ask my H if he would get back into C would he think that I am pushing? Or am I better off just continuing the waiting game for as long as I can?
I see no reason not to ask. It would be pushing if he said no and you kept asking. But if you have uncertainty, you can wait. You pretty much have one bite at the apple.
Like you I want to rebuild my M. I think I see things a little differently though. I don't know if this will help you, but it gets me through the days.
I know that my H actually likes and probably still loves me. He was (don't know if he still is) seeing a C. He wasn't willing to talk about how it was going so I leave it alone. I know that in my case if I asked my H to see a C or anything to do with the M, he would see it as pushing. Heck, he got weird when I asked for his work address.
It is frustrating having a wall between you. I know. My H still lives at home. I made a decision to do what is best for my life and our D's. I work, and continue to look for a better job (mine is part-time retail and art), I take on-line classes and plan on taking some at a local college soon. I work on the yard and the house. I work out, meditate and read and in general do the things that interest me and our D's. It's not always easy, but I don't think of it as waiting. I see us as being able to raise our D's together. That's my biggest goal. For him to be here to raise our girls. I can have the life I want while this is going on, even under the same roof. I may sound odd and i don't want to give you the impression that my hopes are really high for salvaging my M. I have hope, but I'm also very realistic about different outcomes.
I would stay out of anything with H right now. Don't try and get him to do counseling on your own or through you C. Most likely, it will not work that way.
Hang in there! Any big plans for the weekend???
Hugs!
Me-BS 38 X-WS 36 Separated 11/15/2006 Filed for D 8/1/2007 Divorce Final 12/21/2007 S13, S13 (twins), D9 Married 13 Yrs Together 20 Yrs
Upside down, trust your therapist... if he/she says that a way to get them in the door is to ask them into a session "help you" try it. My therapist did this years ago in our first round of counseling and it worked well. It is because the your spouse mays see this a "your problem" and it sparks an interest in them to help you and maybe see their side. Of course it is not all your problem, it is on both sides. But the spouse not in therapy does not get that...until they sit there and maybe here something that is related to how they are feeling.
As far as therapist seeing you together, they all have their own deals about it, but they are treating the marriage at some point as a client, not just the individual. My T will see us both together, when my H got his own ( recommended as a good fit by my T) and we started seeing him as a couple, I agreed that he was still H's therapist first and foremost. I am guessing but if yours wants to see you together she/he has no problem with it.
Tell him the therapist would like to see you both together to help you... its the nothing wrong with him plan, you need help.
Hi All- Wow, everyone seems to be all over the place with this one. For the moment, I have decided not to ask. I might approach it with my H if he ever sticks his head out of the "tunnel" or whatever you want to call it again.
Quote:
How has he reacted to requests for C before?
We started MC shortly after he left. I think we had 4 sessions which I thought went well. He even said he wanted to work on reconciling but then he just stopped going. My H went to his own IC for a brief time and then got busy with a couple of trials and then never went back. I am thinking that he just isn't really ready to listen to what a C has to say.
