I find this board to be the best, but the others I look at most often are below. I do have a list of books, but recently I have come to the conclussion there is no hope in my M so I have not invested any $ in buying books. Anyway, I hope I can link properly.
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
How long were you together? together for 13.5 years, married for almost 10
How long have you been separated? it will be 3 months on 9/7
Do you understand what happened to cause the separation? hell yeah
What do you think your partner thinks of you (now, then)? he resents any changes I have made, it angers him that I have made any changes at all, even if they were ones he claimed he wanted to see in me. from how he treats me, he has little or no respect for me. he thinks I'm a good mom, but has forgotten (and refuses to see) any way that I was a good wife.
How does your partner behave towards you now? alternates between friendly, hostile and irrational
Are you able to understand your partners actions? hell no. well, I suppose I can look at his personal history and undertand on some level how he is able to do what he is doing, but that's as close as it comes for me.
Do you seen any glimmer of hope for your R coming from your partner? I can't quite extinquish the glimmer completely, but no, there is no real glimmer, just a false one that he or I create at times.
If so, how long did it take before hope appeared (following separation)? n/a
What do you think caused that change in your partner? n/a
How regularly do you have *any* type of contact with your partner? 2x a day for calls to the kids (we talk briefly too, since I answer the phone and help the 3 year olds with it) and see him when he comes to spend time/get the kids
How often do you see your partner? I see him 4x a week...2x when he comes here to spend time with the kids (I go out, but am here when he gets here) and when he comes to pick up/drop off the kids on fri/sun Is that often enough? too much and not enough. too much for how he is acting/how I am feeling right now, not enough for how I want him to be acting/how i could feel right now.
Have you gone through a 'dating period'? with h? no, not really, other than a trip to nyc pre-separation. with others? not yet.
Was that positive? n/a
Are you able to discuss your R at all or is that too dangerous? generally speaking, r talk has been disasterous. I am, however, better at it for the most part than i was a few months ago.
What do you do with your free time? spend time with the kids (not sure that qualifies as free time), go to the gym, meet up with friends, go out on my own, movies, occasional travel, scrapbook, journal, read, listen to music, play on the internet, computer games
How do you handle the feeling of being lonely, assuming you do feel that way? I have moments of loneliness, although not as bad as at the beginning of our separation. if I find myself in that position, I try to fill the time...get out of the house, go w/o, call a friend, even jump on the computer to connect with a couple of message boards I belong to. I have bouts where I start organizing everything, and I make lists. some of it is preventative...I know if I keep myself busy, I don't have time to feel lonely. at the same time, I don't mind being alone...sometimes I embrace that. big difference between the two.
What do you think about your partner (now, then)? then, he was the man of my dreams in many ways. he wasn't perfect, had things I didn't like about him, but overall, he was my life partner and one I admired and loved on so many levels. Now? I think he's a self-centered, rat-bastard, ass of a man.
Do you still want to reconcile? depends on when you ask me. mostly, yeah, I still can't imagine my life w/o the man I used to know. but I wish I never had to see the man he is currently ever again.
Last edited by morgan; 08/29/0705:24 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Thanks everyone for your thorough replies. It's interesting to see how other people's situations differ or mirror your own. I hope some of the questions were thought provoking in some way. A common theme is that few of us understand our partner at this present moment. I certainly don't. Why is there no desire to see me at all? No desire at all.
I wish everyone well in their sitches.
Max
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
How long were you together? Friends 17, together, 10 Married 7 How long have you been separated? On paper 3 1/2 mos, phsically living seperate 1 1/2 mos Do you understand what happened to cause the separation? not enough time together between work and kids, my fathers death, my depression, her travel, and oh Of course her affair probably sped it right along What do you think your partner thinks of you (now, then)?Now- much improved emotionally, more attentive to her (truly listening versus hearing), Much smaller and fit again. Before - depressed, needy, unhealthy and out of shape.
How does your partner behave towards you now?Much more friendly and less defensive. She appears to be making efforts to improve our R. Are you able to understand your partners actions? Are you kidding Actually I can better understand where some of her actions are coming from
Do you seen any glimmer of hope for your R coming from your partner? yes
If so, how long did it take before hope appeared (following separation)? July 16th. 2 months after official S and 1 month after 1st court date.
What do you think caused that change in your partner? a combination of reality(2 weeks alone with 2kids on the road), visiting her father, (opened her eyes to how much I DO in the R and the Home), Family pressure, and me pulling away.
How regularly do you have *any* type of contact with your partner? daily phone calls 2 small children make it a must.
How often do you see your partner?We see each other almost every day when she is not out of town for work. (gone aprx 2 weeks a month)
Is that often enough?NO
Have you gone through a 'dating period'?I guess that is where we are now
Was that positive?yes and no. Sometimes I get where I am just tired of it all and don't know if I want to keep trying[color]
Are you able to discuss your R at all or is that too dangerous?[color:#000099]Only the small stuff, she still get defensive quickly.
What do you do with your free time? When I actually have some. Exercise, go out with friends, play with my kids
How do you handle the feeling of being lonely, assuming you do feel that way?stay busy
What do you think about your partner (now, then)? Do you still want to reconcile?[color:#000099] yes about 75% of the time. I hope that goes back up
M 39, W 35 D7, S5 Friends 18+ Together 11+ Married 8 ILYBINILWY 4/7/07 - A BOMB 4/29/07 Seperated 5/16/07 - D Filed She Moved out 7/1 D Busted 6/15/08
How long have you been separated? 5 months Do you understand what happened to cause the separation? MLC-lack of honesty and my choke hold What do you think your partner thinks of you (now, then)? Now-knows that I am/was the best friend, lover etc. he would ever have but tenative to believe who i have become. Then - EXHAUSTING
How does your partner behave towards you now? Gentle, sad
Are you able to understand your partners actions? Hmmmm dont like them
Do you seen any glimmer of hope for your R coming from your partner? Every now and then trying not to hope right now cause hope scares me
If so, how long did it take before hope appeared (following separation)? This past month What do you think caused that change in your partner? Reality - I left him alone
How regularly do you have *any* type of contact with your partner? Daily BUT I HAVE TO LET HIM come after me first!!UGH! How often do you see your partner? weekly
Is that often enough? For my heart right now yes
Have you gone through a 'dating period'? Made a promise to my d not till/if the BIG D But i have been asked out 3 times in the past month WIERD
Was that positive? NA/
Are you able to discuss your R at all or is that too dangerous? Did at first of month but now because of his issues and counselor it is time to slow down
What do you do with your free time? Work - spend time with daughter talk to son in college
How do you handle the feeling of being lonely, assuming you do feel that way? HATE IT and pray thats all I can do
What do you think about your partner (now, then)? Loved him then Love him now. See him now for who he really is though and it is funny - I knew him 20 years ago and then put expectations on him that weren't him....I loved the young guy and who he was and I love this guy!!
Do you still want to reconcile? Uhhhhhhhhhh yeah!!!
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
How long were you together? About 27 yrs How long have you been separated? nearly 2 months Do you understand what happened to cause the separation? Yes a deteriorating R , W's affair and her belief that our R was over What do you think your partner thinks of you (now, then)? Then with sympathy . Now who knows , I think she is surprised at how well I appear to be coping How does your partner behave towards you now? Mostly with warmth and friendly mixed in with sad and reserved Are you able to understand your partners actions? Totaly , Even though I hated it at the time this seperation will give us the best shot at a new R even if its never together Do you seen any glimmer of hope for your R coming from your partner? Yes but she is not ready in her self yet If so, how long did it take before hope appeared (following separation)? Almost instantly , the tension went away What do you think caused that change in your partner? Her hving done what she saw she needed to do and me supporting that decision even though I did not agree at the time How regularly do you have *any* type of contact with your partner? about every 2 days How often do you see your partner? about every 2nd day with Kids Is that often enough? At the moment yes Have you gone through a 'dating period'? Not yet Was that positive? N/A Are you able to discuss your R at all or is that too dangerous? Dangerous ground. W doesnt have any answers right now and pushing for anything would be counterproductive What do you do with your free time? Full time work and 3 kids to look after , whats free time ? I get out once a week on Motorcycle and listent to a lot of music How do you handle the feeling of being lonely, assuming you do feel that way? Apart from about 2 weeks I am enjoying my life and have got through the lonely stage What do you think about your partner (now, then)? I have more respect for her now , I do love her Do you still want to reconcile? Yes but its not top priority
How do you feel right now? Pretty good , reasonably happy What's the best bit of advice you've received? Let go of fear , do not let fear of separation , divorce etc prevent you from making the right decisions What's the best thing you've done while separated? Got on with life What's the worst bit of advice you've received? Not sure What's are the best books you have read? DR , 5ll's
How long were you together?23/10 M How long have you been separated?5 months Do you understand what happened to cause the separation?yes and no What do you think your partner thinks of you (now, then)?Feels betrayed for unknown reason. How does your partner behave towards you now?Verbally abusive and cold. Are you able to understand your partners actions?Not really. Do you seen any glimmer of hope for your R coming from your partner?Nope. If so, how long did it take before hope appeared (following separation)? What do you think caused that change in your partner?Children, sleep deprivation, work, gossip, OW, us. How regularly do you have *any* type of contact with your partner? Almost daily, yuck. How often do you see your partner?Gone dark, so I limit him to three x per week. Is that often enough?I do not want to see him while he is cheating and lying and dressing like a freak. Have you gone through a 'dating period'?No, but I am getting ready thanks to Homer. Was that positive? Are you able to discuss your R at all or is that too dangerous? What do you do with your free time? Make vignettes and read and cook with my kids. Watch Gilmore Girls, go out. GAL. How do you handle the feeling of being lonely, assuming you do feel that way?Too busy to be lonely. Not lonely, just miss my H as he was. What do you think about your partner (now, then)?He is charming and seet and funny, the dark one is cruel and cold and deceitful. Do you still want to reconcile?Yes, but losing hope due to deceit and betrayal.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Actually I can better understand where some of her actions are coming from