There and Back, #4

[Astimegoeson]

I made a commit on my own post that I wondered if I could separate the emotion if I were to make love to my stbx ever again.

Someone rightly pointed out that it's a fantasy to believe I could do that. I agree and wouldn't go there. It's set yourself up for more misery IMO.

The WAS could probably separate all the emotion rather easily. I noticed in a lot of our situations that it always seems to be the WAH that will on occasion still ML to the LBS. It's rare you see a WAW doing it.

[jackw]

all this talk about sex is making Jack a very lonely man...

[mkultra]

Your H loves you.

[SallyM]

okay, atgo, gotcha. I think on a normal day, no, I couldn't just separate the current emotions with H and just trotted upstairs for a little fun between the sheets. I'm blaming that moon, even though it is finally waning. something very suspicious about this month's moon. lol. on the other hand, I do think H does separate emotion out of it very easily, and if I were to continue on this course, so to speak, I'd end up getting hurt....very hurt. again. So yeah, I was able to just go with the physical this time, but I have to be very careful not to keep at it, no matter what that little devil tries to convince me of. I'll try to remember 789's super human strength.

lol, jack, all work and no play makes jack a dull boy, huh?

mk, my h loved me once, very much. at least he doesn't deny that, which would crush me. but I don't really know what he feels now. I think deep down he does still, but that could just be me projecting what I feel for him.

busy day today. school for S5, off to the gym for the twins and I while he's there, then after school, hoping to take them to get haircuts and run some errands. H is coming today and I do plan to run out while he is here. will be curious how he acts around me. will he try something again, or is he sated, at least for little while? hmmmmm? I know one thing, I will hold strong. I will.

[SallyM]

atgo, I've been thinking more about your post. Interesting that a WAH is more likely to have sex with the lbs than a WAW is. I wonder what that says about both parties. is it because a male lbs is stronger, surer, than a female one, or does it have more to do with the different dynamics of a wah/waw. hmmm. interesting. going to call my friend tonight and see what she thinks.

[LL44]

morgan, you are right. If it continues without any other change going on around you (meaning, him breaking it off with OW, showing signs of wanting to come back), I can see how it would hurt us in the end. Have a good day today. Hope you and H have good interaction. And have no doubt that he still loves you, its just very buried, and it hurts them to get to it, since they have to dig past the guilt.

mk, I have been thinking about that too. I have seen on here the WAW allowing/initiating sex with the H, but they seem to be very clear about their intentions (meaning, "This doesn't change a thing"). But you are right, I wonder what that says about males and females, or are all WAS's programmed the same way?

[mkultra]

My H would never initiate sex at this point. I tried a few times while we were separated but he was steadfast loyal to his OW (I did not know about OW). He feels entitled in his thinking. Only sleep with who you love. I think Morgan's sitch is totally different.

[SallyM]

I really think this is just h trying to keep control of the situation...to know he can have me, have her, whatever. but the thing is, I do feel more detached now, and I do feel stronger, even if I caved the other day. the thing I have to really work at is to not get that invincible feeling going myself. I know this sounds really twisted, but I could see myself rationalizing using him from time to time...taking what I need physically, and pretending like I can do that and still stay detached, not care about ow, etc. I know myself well enough and I know how good I am at rationalizing stuff. and that is a slippery slope to a really bad place for me. so I'll remind myself that, and stay strong, and not go that route.

I had a good w/o at the gym and was reading a magazine while on the treadmill. the article was about a woman who now works with teen runaways, and something she tells them is they only have 2 choices...they can meet life as a victim, or as a hero. their choice. I like that. and I think it applies to those of us going thru all of this crap...we can either lay down and be that victim, or we can be the hero we deserve to be...for ourselves, for our kids/families. just wanted to share.

there was also a very cool article in my Shape this month. love it. I don't think its online, I'll look for it. it was really inspiring, about a woman who was divorced after her h left her for an ow, and how she was able to just dive in and GAL in ways that were so much fun...included getting a vespa I think. I read it last week, and I've been wanting to share it. made me smile and made me realize how good life can be if I go out and make it happen.

[S_O_T_S]

Hi morgan.

Watching, but not posting. How long until 10/13?

we can either lay down and be that victim, or we can be the hero we deserve to be...

So what actions are involved in the choices you have to take either of these paths right now?

Which path are you on? A little tough for me to tell, actually.

But believe this: you're on a path/journey/process right now. There are many steps, and you don't really get to bypass them. They take how ever long they take; nobody can speed it up for you.

One of the steps that's pretty important is to stop thinking about what he's doing, why he's doing it.... From where I see things there's still quite a bit of that going on here. Not the most productive way for you to be right now.

a woman who was divorced after her h left her for an ow, and how she was able to just dive in and GAL in ways that were so much fun...included getting a vespa

So I noted a while back where you had written this:

6) continue with my lists...things I liked to do pre-h, things I want to look back on someday and know i accomplished.

Did you make this list?

Was there a vespa on it?

made me realize how good life can be if I go out and make it happen.

Maybe I'm mistaken, but I suspect you already know how good life can be, and you're already making it happen.

I really think this is just h trying to keep control of the situation...to know he can have me, have her,

Maybe. You really aren't going to have any way to know.
As long as you're OK with it, but it sounds like you're not exactly... Since you use words like 'caved', implying weakness.

Oh, and one last thing. Not sure whatever came of this from the POV of your thought processes, but don't forget the lessons that came out of these two things you wrote about some missing items:

bottle of johnny walker blue...its HUGE. really nice, inscribed with his name on it, etc. well, just walked thru that part to get to the laundry room and its GONE.

wtf, is he going to start drinking whiskey now? he hates whiskey. hates it with a passion. I'm starting to get concerned about the fact that he wrote me that he is drinking too much. I figured he said that to push buttons (I'm the daughter of an alcoholic, don't forget). but now I'm wondering...is he progressing in that direction?

yeah, he could have taken it for a keepsake. but why take that now? most of that kind of stuff, and any keepsake stuff, is still here in the basement, until he has room for it.

so why?

hmmmm

And then

then he told me he took a bunch of stuff when he was here yesterday...his bottle of whiskey, another inscribed bottle, his pictures and such...all to decorate his new office. doh!

Take care and see you in October

[SallyM]

seriously, who needed to w/o today? I've been cleaning like I am on a mission. I swear its nervous energy today, wondering what will happen when he comes over tonight, wondering how h is doing at the job, if he got an answer from his previous job, what it all will mean for us/me. so much out of my control...and typical, hard for me to let go, when really, there is no point for me even thinking/worrying about it at all.

S_O_T_S, you are right, focusing on him is counterproductive. and I think I do it because I'm so scared to be really productive. I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice, the wrong decision, that miring myelf in stuff that allows me to gloss over real forward movement is what I tend to do. definitely something I'm working on in therapy.

which leads to your question, what path am I on? I think I keep running back and forth, settling for a while on one path, then running back to the fork. I want to be the hero, not the victim, but at the same time, being the hero means real forward movement, and that scares me sometimes. so much easier to sit back and feel the pain and the fear. I know that doesn't make sense, but I do tend to paralyze at times. funny, my dad and I had a long talk a couple of weeks ago and we both are like that. he went thru a lot in his life, and he is the same way...so easy to fall into the paralysis instead of charging forth. but charging forth is the only real answer, so I have to do what he did, and what so many others have...gird my loins and have at it.

I can tell I've been slacking on my journaling again. tonight I'm going to pick it up and thinking I'm going to write down some of the stuff you posted...try to get a handle on it, and try to really push myself. I sometimes wonder if its even me scared of making the wrong decision, but rather just scared of making the right one.

my friend keeps yelling at me to stop doing his thinking for him. who needs a conversation when I conduct them without him? the exchange you posted is a perfect example of this. I work myself into a boil about something (like the office stuff), completely distract myself from myself and any forward movement, and then poof, its all gone...except I'm still not focused on myself.

I'm babbling here, so will stop. I'm dancing around the fact that you are calling me out on stuff/challenging me...I love the fact that you are, but trying to figure out a way to get out of anything real. twisted, my little mind, twisted. I can get that birds eye view and know what I need to do, but still, I stall myself from doing it.

as for october, its not that far off, is it? september is so booked for me it feels like its just around the corner. looking forward to it!