omg. omg omg omg. what a rat bastard jerk. omg. I knew it was coming, but what a f-ing self centered ass.
I went to the gym as soon as he came and just did a ton of cardio. the sweat felt good...really good. came home just as he was tucking the kids into bed (a little later than normal). I showered, figured he'd leave while I was there, but nope, he was waiting, like a f-ing cat waiting to pounce.
he wants to take the kids to ow's house. not her home, mind you, her beach house. omg. I am so freaked out right now. omg. he said it would be fun for them. omg. he thinks they will accept that she is just a friend of his. they won't, they are kids, they aren't stupid.
he went off on me six ways from sunday. all this is my fault...the fact that he is with her again is my fault. the fact that he moved to his moms is my fault. I tried to explain that although he has been in the relationship with her for a year, this is only 3 months old for the kids...they don't know about ow at all, but just daddy not living at home. omg. he is just so selfish. even admitted its because he's miserable taking them to his moms on weekends. that he snaps at them because he's so f-ing selfish he won't be anything but miserable there. and (you're following me by now) its all my fault that he is snapping at him.
omg.
wtf. I don't know what to say to him. I don't. he's so mad at me. just keeps saying that I win. I asked what he meant by that...I haven't won anything here. not one thing. he said, well, you get to do what you want on the weekends.
calmly I said, no I don't. I want to spend the weekend with my husband, I don't get to. I wan't to sleep with my husband, love my husband, be with him, I don't get that. where do I win in all of this??? where???? I stayed calm. he said his guy (therapist) said its better for all involved for them to all go to her beach house. I called him bs on that one. offered to go see said therapist together and maybe this guy could explain how its better for the kids and such. he, of course, backed out of that one, still angry, still going off on me. still hurtful. omg, so hurtful. asked what my therapist has said about it, and when I told him (too soon) he went off on me again, about how she'll agree to anything I say and such.
omg.
hlep me. help. me. anything online to back up that its too soon? anything that I can show him that is concrete? anything I can do to stem this tide?
what can I do? please, what can I do????
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Ok, my night was a breeze compared to yours. This is definately the worst thing so far he has attempted. That is just downright disgusting and soooo tacky to even suggest that. The weekends he has them should be HIS time with THEM, not his time with them and OW. Good God, can he not realize that he already has cut his time in half (or more) seeing his own kids, can't he spend quality time with them? No wonder he is snapping at them, they are growing apart and its his fault.
I am soooo glad you called him on the therapist 'backing' him. What a joke. Do you think its time for something legal in your separation, with an agreement of when to introduce others into their lives? And I am so glad you pointed out your kids are still getting used to Daddy being gone, now this?
I am without words, my friend. I am so sorry. I would be coming out of my skin!!!
I've been separated now for almost two years and I still wouldn't dream of bringing a OW around my S7. S14 understands what's going on, so I'm sure it wouldn't confuse him, but the little ones??? The situation some of our kids are put into by our WAS's just breaks my hart.
I really do feel badly for you and your kids Morgan, I wish I could offer a silver bullet to you that would help him understand the impact on the youngsters. Even If I had one, I don't think he would accept it. He's in me, me, and more of me mode.
Let me ask you something, does he ever have the OW over to his place (Moms)? LOL!
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
wow!! Does this man realize he shares the planet with others?
How can he be that selfish that he thinks his kids will some how be better off meeting his whore?
You are getting a D and "you win" because you have free weekend nights. So I guess he loses because he doesn't have free weekends and God forbid has to spend a night with his kids...
Tell this guy he can fu-k himself, but he better have a hell of a lawyer.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Your other topic is locked. I am antisocial when it comes to the internet. Is that paranoid or have I watched one too many Datlelines? Beside I will probably never get to visit Boston, so drink a lager on me!
Morgan, I wanted to share with you something my D's TH said about them meeting the OW. She said that children view that person as part of the betrayal process. Her doctor said that it looks as though their married father chose a mistress over them and the children take it personally. By condoning that behavior we teach our daughters to accept adultery in a marriage and that is wrong. Ideally, a married man needs to say what he has done is wrong and that he feels remorseful. She mentioned that the marriage need not end but that the affair should not be condone openly if the LBS is not allowing it. Your H and my H forgot to do that part!
No, he cannot allow his children be part of that depravity. Should we allow them to go to an AA meeting? Or on a gambling binge? Or to a rated XXX parlour? He is living a lie so why drag his family into that mess?
That truly sucks and you need to stand up, Morgan! Stand up now and maybe that will mean stop DBing, I dunno. It is a harsh decision but we need to stop the cycle of condoning adultery for our kids. I am pretty biased though. I think DBing and Marriage Buliders Plan A say to be patient and act as if, to agree with everything and not to expect anything. But we have kids! And I am kind of weak. It sounds like you truly love your H and want him to be happy but he sounds like a sick person who does not understand consequences right now. Say no and continue DBing if you see an intact family as your Northern Star. He will thank you later and if he doesn't, screw em.
Who am I to tell you what to do but it is making you miserable. The psychiatrist told me that H is acting as though I do not exist. Is your H acting this way in regards to your feelings?
Edited by mkultra (Today at 09:14 PM)
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
What the heck is he thinking. I am so sorry he is acting like an idiot, I am not seeing anyone and even if I do in the future my kids will never see her or meet her for a long a** time. You are right to call him on the therapists comments, that is complete BS. I wish I had some good comments on what to do or say, but I suck at that lately.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
Morgan, Everyone thinks our Hs are crazy! It is a consensus but what do we do with that information? I wish I could slap some sense into yours and you could slap some sense into mine! Stay golden, keep your wits, and stop talking to the MIL. If you must keep it focused on the kids and keep telling her not to worry that everything is going to be OK. That is what I tell my MIL, mother of three boys and no daughters. Her first born was killed in an accident and her youngest disowned the family name with no known provocation. So yeah, I am basically her daughter, but BLOOD is thicker, way thicker.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
thanks all. what a rotten night. I suck because I couldn't help it...I did talk to my mil. i felt like I was trying to hold back the ocean's tide and was scrambling at first. yeah, feel bad about it now. I was able to talk to my therapist for a bit, and was able to talk to my friend (the therapist, no, not my therapist) for a long time. she, as usual, gave me fantastic insight into things. she helped me compose an e-mail to send to H but has made me promise not to send it for a couple of days, depending on h's actions today/tomorrow. She has told me exactly what she thinks h will do...curious to see if she's right. she has been 98% of the time, so far, I'd say. time will tell.
I'm still so hurt and angry and terrified. and I'm so happy you all seem to understand what I am dealing with, because I'm telling you, he is only seeing himself right now, and I realize that, but he is also the freaking puppet master and twists things around so much that he often causes me to doubt myself. I've gotten much better seeing the manipulation, but that doesn't make it any easier and I still get waves of self-doubt because of it. on this I am firm, though, I am not ready, the kids are not ready, he is a rat bastard jerk for even wanting to do it.
just not sure at all he does know he is sharing the planet with others. my 3 year olds, typically a selfish age, aren't even half so self-centered.
and atgo, if you find that silver bullet, do me a favor and find someone that will fire it off AT him.
lwb, yeah, what friend and I composed is definitely something legal. she actually thinks I should just go ahead and file at this point (for her, the writing is on the wall). I told her I need to wait until september (bonus). my e-mail to him (if I ever get to send it) has definite legal references.
Last edited by morgan; 08/29/0710:40 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
1) if/when he calls, be civil to him. if/when he says what my friend predicts he says, stick to the script on it. not matter what he says or does, don't let him bait me or pull me into the chaos. if he doesn't call, put it out of my mind. if I find my focus pulled to him too much, work on my mantra to get it off of him.
2) no calls to mil. I talked to her last night after I called in hysterics. my friend made me understand more why I do it, and that helps, but I need to not call her no matter what...its not good for her, its not good for me. if I need to communicate, will do it thru e-mail, but will put myself on a 48 hour rule and try to journal it first.
3) gym/ab tape (need to keep the normalcy and the the endophins going)
4) take the kids to the pool with our friends. I need to get out and be social and try to get my mind off of the drama/mess in my life. as much as I want to dig a hole in the sand and hide there, I can't let him do that to me. I can't let myself do that to me
5) pick up the book my friend recommended (how to raise resilient children). she was very excited about it...said it would be really good for me and, in turn, the kids. from the title sounds like something that could be very good.
6) continue with my lists...things I liked to do pre-h, things I want to look back on someday and know i accomplished. will also add a new list...things I did to try to save my marriage. because I know i don't want to forget that I did try, that I did everything in my power, and while it wasn't enough, I can still know that I did all I could do. sometimes having it all out in black and white is very helpful.
7) journal! (missed yesterday, I had planned to last night and things got crazy and I ended up on the phone until I was too tired to even think about writing)
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
