First she said she was committed, says she worked on it internally(I never saw any work being done), now she is saying it can't happen. After some discussion, she is trying to decide if indeed she is done, which would destroy our family, or if she is truely committed to making our marriage work.
To answer your question, I absolutely do not find our current situation acceptable and I have told her so. I have been reluctant to push to much, but it is getting old.
She will have to begin showing outward signs of "being committed" or I think I am gonna tell her I am done.
Do people actually remain married without any intimacy? I can't do it!
Do people actually remain married without any intimacy?
Yes.
Quote:
I can't do it!
That's a useful thing to know. Maybe you could make out a list of some specific things that would define an appropriate amount of intimacy for you. Different people are willing to live with different levels. What's your level?
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
My level of needed intimacy: -An occasional touch whether it be my back, my arm, holding hands, that comes from the heart. -Occasionally laying in the bed before going to sleep and holding each other. -Any show of affection. -Some kind of eagerness to pleasure each other.
These things don't have to happen daily or even weekly, but there must be some showw of affection at times.
WB have you told her that these are the things that you need? And maybe more importantly have you done any thing to address her feeling of you not loving her emotionally enough that she said caused the split?
My level of needed intimacy: -An occasional touch whether it be my back, my arm, holding hands, that comes from the heart. -Occasionally laying in the bed before going to sleep and holding each other. -Any show of affection. -Some kind of eagerness to pleasure each other.
That sounds like a good START. Of course you do have to start somewhere, but don't fool yourself into thinking that the above list is sufficient, ESPECIALLY weekly ... sheesh. You're really selling yourself short if weekly is enough.
I used to think about the same way, if she would just do certain things, and my list was similar to yours. Now she does those things, and it feels like checking off a list. And she will do the same things over and over, no creativity, no spontenaity. And I now struggle with how to respond to her that I am unhappy with her checklist. Piss-poor boundary control as Corri exhibited and as Blackfoot is trying to get me to understand.
I also have the problem that there was a couple weeks time earlier this summer in which she was very eagerly doing everything affectionate under the sun. When I ask why not continue that way ... "hormones in balance I guess, I just wanted it, don't want it now ... sorry" The trouble is she did not see how HAPPY she was during that period, no defensiveness, very little whining about kids, no burying herself in front of computer, lots of joking around.
The problem is how do our wives see us waterboy? Are we a dog that she just has to pat a few times on the head and we'll roll around in joy? Then when she is satisfied she just walks away leaving us panting for more? Maybe we whine a little, but she just says "quiet boy!" And we meekly wait for more?
Is that going to create desire and eagerness to fcuk?
Of course, I'm still trying to figure out how to do it differently. I've got a lot of people telling me, but unfortunately my brain is wired to be a nice guy, don't rock the boat, tears unseat me everytime.
So, to answer your question. My list for intimacy would be ...
-touching whenever feasible/possible -non-defensive conversations about future and planning -ability to bring up problems without deflection/defensiveness -happiness as a general rule -desire to spend time with me, in converstation, in having fun, in doing work, in affection, in sex -eagerness to make each other happy, and allow the other to make us happy
You see though, I have a lot of work to do myself to make the above list happen.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
The trouble is she did not see how HAPPY she was during that period, no defensiveness, very little whining about kids, no burying herself in front of computer, lots of joking around.