D Coming...can't let go just yet..

[JMC]

Thanks Chevelle - I appreciate you thoughts, encouragement and kind words.

Did I deserve for my W to have an A to understand how bad it was? Absolutely not.

I totally agree.

I have for the most part, accepted my impending D. But I still have that lonesome wish and prayer that W will reconsider and that why she can't see that what she is doing is going to do more harm than good.

Not to sound like a broken record here, but these are my thoughts as well. I actually saw a counselor two weeks ago and today she called to see how things are going and if my W had considered going to see her. I told her that I have decided at this time to proceed with the divorce and that it was not my feeling the my WAW would consider MC. Not sure what the future will bring, but as you indicated, all we can do is improve and take care of ourselves and take it one day at a time.

Hope all is well!

[Chevelle]

Good, as well as can be expected. My D will happen I guess whenever she gets the money too. She doesn't seem to be in any hurry to get a D. Why? No clue. She is just living her life with OM around while the M is just now a piece of paper.

Maybe I would feel a weight lifted of me if the D would just happen. Maybe I won't. But this isnt a M we have so why aren't we D?

I feel angry now instead of hurt....maybe thats the final stage of detachment.

God bless and hope you are doing well, JMC.

[JMC]

Thanks Chevelle - actually doing better this week. Not sure why. I guess I have just come to the conclusion that it is over and that she is in MLC, has several OM, no longer wants to work on it, and will some day regret this.

I too get angry, but thus far have been able to back away when those feelings begin to surface.

My goal is to have this wraped up by the end of the year. I guess I would like to start '08 with a clean slate, realizing that my marital situation and most likely my employment position will both be different. I will be glad to bid adieu to '07!

[savemymarriage]

Chevelle, I havent really posted much on here, but reading your posting, I felt I had to share something with you.

I am almost D. It is about 2 weeks away, whenever I get the final papers, I sign them and then all we need is a judges signature, and I am no longer his W. This makes me so very sad. I admit that I played a very big part in this divorce. There are things I gave up on a long time ago, and so did he, and now this is where we are. Anyway, I have a lot in common with you. My D has also brought me to God. I would have never found my way if not for this divorce, I guess that is one good thing about this divorce, if there is any good in divorce? Anyway, I have the same feelings as you do. I feel in my soul that we will be together again, I dont really know if this is wishful thinking or me being in denial. I hope it is neither. I pray everynight for myself, my family and my marriage, I pray that God will guide us to reconciliation one day, if not now, in the future. I dont really know where my hope comes from, but I believe it comes from God. One night I went to bed, thinking this is it. I woke in the middle of the night with the thought that I had to fight for my marriage. Every time I am at the point where I am giving up, something pulls me back in. I cant really explain it, I wish someone could explain it to me. I thought I would share so you new you werent the only one out there with these feelings.

[Chevelle]

Thanks, JMC, and thanks to you too, Save. God's Army is multiplying....

I guess I am at a point now where the more I stay away from W, the better I do. I feel she is in semi MLC, if there is such a thing. She for years, played the mom and housekeeper role and now she decides to shed her skin and become her former independent self with kids.

Don't get me wrong, she is still a good mother, and its not like she has abandoned her roles there. But she has went and had body piercings done, sees OM late at night when kids go to sleep, and thinks shes happier now then she has been in a long time.

If she is happier, more power to her. I just worry and have this strange feeling, (could it be God talking to me?) that her wonderful R with OM is going to crash down and then she what happens. I know I sound vengeful, and maybe a small part of me is, but I can't help feel this will come full circle some day....million dollar question is...Will I be here for her?

I must admit though, I feel stronger then ever. Probably knowing that I am not ready for a R, I don't have to deal with the bullsh*t that comes with it. I know Rs have those and we overlook them, but I landed a job making a lot more money than I ever dreamed of, and I am not ready to have an OW in my life right now..and the kids are starting to migrate to my side in this....which I welcome them with open arms. A lot more than I used to. Since last year when we split, I have become the father I should have been many moons ago. I praise God for that eye opener.

Sorry to ramble, I feel the same in that I feel we will be together again someday...but the plans don't unfold at once but over time, and every so often I get another piece of the plan and I implement it and get stronger because of it.

If I don't get my W back, I wish her the best...but I know its her loss, and I will make the next woman very happy knowing what I know now.

Thanks for reading guys..and girls..its people like you that make this BB a blessing to vent on.

God Bless

Chevelle

[Chevelle]

I too get angry, but thus far have been able to back away when those feelings begin to surface.

I'm trying to do that too, JMC. I don't know now though, if its more the fact of how easily she found a OM and I haven't, or if I hate the idea she is moving on without me in it.

[Chevelle]

Chevelle, I havent really posted much on here, but reading your posting, I felt I had to share something with you.

I am almost D. It is about 2 weeks away, whenever I get the final papers, I sign them and then all we need is a judges signature, and I am no longer his W. This makes me so very sad. I admit that I played a very big part in this divorce. There are things I gave up on a long time ago, and so did he, and now this is where we are. Anyway, I have a lot in common with you. My D has also brought me to God. I would have never found my way if not for this divorce, I guess that is one good thing about this divorce, if there is any good in divorce? Anyway, I have the same feelings as you do. I feel in my soul that we will be together again, I dont really know if this is wishful thinking or me being in denial. I hope it is neither. I pray everynight for myself, my family and my marriage, I pray that God will guide us to reconciliation one day, if not now, in the future. I dont really know where my hope comes from, but I believe it comes from God. One night I went to bed, thinking this is it. I woke in the middle of the night with the thought that I had to fight for my marriage. Every time I am at the point where I am giving up, something pulls me back in. I cant really explain it, I wish someone could explain it to me. I thought I would share so you new you werent the only one out there with these feelings.

Thank you, Save. I would venture to say those feelings are unconditional love. And maybe, they are feelings that God has brought to your attention. For me, I want my M back, but like I said I won't watch paint dry waiting for her... but it doesn't mean I have to date anyone if I choose to. Stay strong and go with your instincts..they usually rise above rational thoughts.

Besides, on a personal note...I got handed an opportunity to go to Puerto Rico for a couple days...I just might do it!

Good luck to you guys...and remember, you are never alone.

[JMC]

you are never alone

I had a great-aunt (my maternal grandfather's only sibling) who was a nun. She would say those exact words to me every now an then. I actually wrote those very words on a little post-it and placed it on my monitor and look at them everyday. Those words bring back fond memories. Thanks.

Although I appreciate the optimism of you and Save, I no longer have the hope or energy for the dream of reconciliation. I hardly talk with my WAW now (makes me sad and I find it hard to believe) and have come to the conclusion, sadly, that I must file (currently in talks with attorney). However, I hope you and Save do achieve that dream.

Hope you have a great time in Puerto Rico!

[Chevelle]

I know how you feel, JMC. I too, have thought of filing myself just to get on with my life and let whatever happens, happens. But I get a feeling there is a reason why its not happening yet. But, why? I have no clue.

Keep pressing along with you...we all know time passed us by in good times and in bad.

Just like Led Zeppelin's song.."Good times, bad times, you know I've had my share..."

[Chevelle]

Just journaling....

It really hurts when I see and know those two are together. I wish no ill will on OM, but I wish he would screw up somewhere so their perfect little R would shatter....sorry, was I sounding angry there?

Like I wrote earlier, the less I see of her, the better my PMA. My SD11 said to me today that W said I don't come around as much as I used to....and W wonders why? WTF?

I guess the killer is, all of the things I did wrong in my M on my end really had nothing to do with her. My issues. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, so naturally I corrected most of my issues...

Problem is, its too little, too late for W. I pray every day for hope that I will get over this. I always learn the hard way.....how do I get so lucky sometimes? She doesn't realize that I have made the necessary changes in me for me, that if we were to try again, things would be different.

Yes, I still love her deeply, unconditionally. I wish I could be in her shoes, or be an as*hole and not care...might make me feel better. All in all, I seem to have conquered most of my life to the point that most who know me wouldnt think I was the same person. Not that W seems to care, but when the newness of a new R is going, I guess that will happen....the true test will be six months or longer down the road...then I can see where I stand. If I haven't already moved on myself.

This is something I wanted to say to W, but probably never will,since it really wouldn't get me anywhere.

Damn it, Lisa...file for D..you obviously got your man you always wanted, so toss me away and have him. I really do wish you happiness, I am just being a little kid I guess about this anger card. You always said you fell in live with the man you married, not the man I became....what if I became better than that? Oh thats right....the reasons you fell in love with me are dead now, silly me.

You want to be good friends with me. How is that possible when I cringe at the sight of you two together? How can I move on knowing I possess these feelings for you, real feelings? Oh, silly me again...you think I quit loving you a long time ago, when it just me in a depression about my issues and not communicating them...man, I need an Easy button...

I really hope none of this backfires on you...Im sorry it took this to understand what unconditional and true love feels like...and now Im even more sorry I can't turn it off for you...I feel like Im the real loser here..

I try to make it a day at a time. I do some days, some I don't know how. But I can say it gets a little easier over time but its so slow its killing me. Fast Forward, where are you?

Sorry to ramble, board, I just had to get that off my chest and heart. That speech should make me feel better for a least the next couple days anyway.

God bless you guys and pray..miracles do happen...just maybe not the way we want them too. But one day...it all comes to light and we will understand.