So many of the decisions I make in an average day or week are calculated so as to keep W happy, in some twisted hope that she will "make herself available" to me. The little Blackfoot on my shoulder is saying, "Yeah...so how's that workin' for you so far?" Get offa my shoulder Mr. Obvious, ya little pissant.
Hairdog,
This was EXACTLY my problem, and it remains to be seen if I could have freed myself of it absent the righteous indignation that comes from being betrayed, but liberate myself I did. Like you describe, nearly EVERYTHING I used to do used to be done from a perspective of "Will this make my wife happy? Will she be upset? How can I keep from upsetting her, and keep/make her happy with me?"
It was a prison that I simply chose not to live in anymore.
My sister said it best: "your job is not to please her, or any person. Your job is to please GOD."
NOP said it another way: "In every situation, no matter how scary or difficult, just do the right thing, and be brave about it. DO THE RIGHT THING. And the rest will take care of itself."
Yes, where is choc's update? I got interrupted reading it, and couldn't wait to return to it this evening, and then wondered if I had hallucinated the whole thread. Dang! Anyone? Bueller? (sorry for the hijack, HD. Am keeping up with you as well dear!)
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
W and I got back from a 4-day trip w/ DD6 last night. I had a couple drinks (not an excuse) before bed.
I rolled over and my hand landed on her chest. I drifted off. I woke back up and realized my hand was right on her breast. Rather than just move it off of her, I gently squeezed it. She was asleep. I squeezed again. Still sleeping. I played with it for about 20 seconds, including a gentle pinching of her nipple and then . . .
She woke up with a "WTF!" rolled over, and so did I. I'm not sure how much later (because I drifted off) she said something like "what were you thinking? How could you?"
Knowing that this was going to be a Big Deal, I apologized to her this morning and said something like, "I know you don't want to hear any excuses. I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry." She said she didn't want to talk about it, so I left to go to work.
She just called me and is Very Angry, is going to take a Long Time to Deal With This, doesn't Trust Me, and says I Violated her. She said that me saying "I know you don't want to hear any excuses" is just a passive aggressive way of saying that my behavior can be excused but that I know she doesn't want to hear them, and that my excuse is likely that it is all Her fault.
She said that I treated her like a two-bit whore. She said I've done this before. (I have. Once, I thought she was awake and enjoying or at least tolerating it, only to find out that she was asleep. Once, it was similar to this time.)
When the phone call began to feel like she was lecturing me on what a Bad Boy I was, I shifted from placating (sorry Blackfoot) "mea culpa" to, "I get it. Please don't lecture me." This shift just caused her to get more angry and she accused me of minimizing the event.
I said that it was probably as good a time to tell her as any that, following one of the exercises in "NMMNG", we should start a period of sexual moratorium, until the end of the year. That way, we could relate to each other without the shadow (not sure if I used that word...might have been "possibility") of sex coming between us. She said, basically, "fine, whatever" and said that we'd tried this before. I didn't deny it, but didn't want to go into the details right now, about how this would be different, have different goals, etc., but I'll talk with her about it later.
She said that I was aware of a case she was handling where the husband drugged the wife and had sex (and took movies of it) and how the wife was filing criminal charges against him. She said that she had had to sit and watch the videos and how it was sick, and how could I have done what I did knowing that?
I asked her, "so, are you contemplating filing charges against me?" W: No. Me: Well, then are you equating what he did, to what I did? W: Yes. You violated me. Now I don't trust you, and it will take a long time for me to get past this. Frankly, I don't know if you might have done something like what he did. I don't know if you might have drugged me, too. I just don't know. She didn't know, and he'd been doing it for years. I don't know.
She said she was just getting angrier, so she had to hang up.
So am I a sex addict with real Major Issues? A rapist? Or what?
Well, here's what I think, for the record. It was wrong for me to squeeze her boob -- the second time, after I realized that it was, indeed her boob and that she was, indeed, asleep. At that point, it was all about me, she was just a body attached to a boob, and it felt kinda cool that I was squeezing a boob for the first time in months. And I should have stopped.
But I really don't think I am a sex addict, or that I have major issues. I really do think that my decision NOT to stop was driven by sexual frustration, testosterone, and that perhaps the alcohol might have clouded my thinking a bit, although I realize that it sounds very lame.
I am wondering if it is totally NG for me to just keep this view to myself. Yeah, probably. It fits within the paradigm, "If I am good and hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be, then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life."
What do I want?
I want to tell her, "It was just your boob...get over it!" I want to tell her that I apologized, that it was genuine, and that I will not join her in beating the sh!t out of me over it. I want to tell her that she may think I need to earn her trust back over months and years, but that "her trust" is her problem, and that all I need to do is to be comfortable with the person I am.
I read this in someone else's posts on another board, but it is relevant, here, somewhat edited:
I can never "earn" what she is not willing to grant. I will never stop f#*king things up. I will never again live my life to please her. I will never match up to her ideal man. I will never be her leader unless she voluntarily follows. I will never be in control of her, only myself. I will never be more in her mind than she is able to accept, but in my reality I will never be limited by her acceptance. I still love her regardless of the above.
I guess I'm asking the ladies here if you think I'm a total freak, or insensitive, or too sensitive or whatever. I'm not looking for validation or a slap-down...just some thoughtful analysis.
My very personal opinion. Dump her. Dump her now. She isn't worth the dirt on your shoe. Why, you may ask? Because she's equating her work with you. You can NEVER win with her and NEVER will. Get this, she just accused you of RAPE. RAPE. Get it?! I would very personally strongly suggest getting out. Get out now. You may love her all you want but until she gets fixed in her head that you aren't a rapist it will never, ever, ever get better. Ever. Have I stressed this enough now?
She needs help and deep, long counseling. You need to protect yourself from false allegation and get away from this...I'm not even going to say what I think of people who falsly accuse others of rape are.
I'm sorry for your loss. Get rid of it. Do it soon or you could seriously end up in jail. I am not kidding one little iota. Seen it done. Lived part of it. Get out.
I want to tell her, "It was just your boob...get over it!" I want to tell her that I apologized, that it was genuine, and that I will not join her in beating the sh!t out of me over it. I want to tell her that she may think I need to earn her trust back over months and years, but that "her trust" is her problem, and that all I need to do is to be comfortable with the person I am.
Well tell her that then. It sounds fine to me. It sounds honest.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I don't know how thoughtful this is, so I hope you're open to gut-reaction rants, too.
Um, frankly, I don't even see why you are feeling so apologetic about feeling her up in the first place. It's not like she fell asleep on the subway and got groped by a stranger. You are her husband, she was willingly sleeping in the same bed with you, you're going to get in each other's space (those aren't pillows!!!). Lots of husbands and wives "wake each other up" in *exactly* that way, on purpose; it's hardly a betrayal of trust.
Unless she has specifically stated to you that she doesn't like you touching her while she's asleep.
Even so, to equate what you did with a husband who drugs his wife, has sex with her, and tapes it is .... illogical, to say the least. If she *really* thought you were capable of something like that, why does she feel safe enough to sleep in the same house with you? She is of course entitled to her views ... but you in no way must or should buy into that. Or feel like you have to crawl for the next six months or whatever she seems to want....
That stuff you want to tell her? Tell her.
IMHO, based on this, you are very very far from being a pervert. I cannot help but wonder what negative sexual experiences are lurking in her past ... but you shouldn't have to carry the water for any of that. *Don't* be "limited by her acceptance".
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
