I'm back from holiday (and now depressed)

[MaxP]

Hi,

Well, I'm back from my holiday in Turkey. It was really, really good. Did a lot of traveling over the two weeks. The weather was hot and got to see an awful lot of the sites. The group I was traveling with was a good mixture of young/old singles/couples and we all got on really well. I had an excellent time and hopefully have made a few new friends too.

Coming back home has made me feel really down though. Once again it's just me and the house and I hate it. It's too quiet and I really miss social interaction. I miss my wife hugely (will see her tomorrow). I have no idea what relationship I have with her any more. Not a clue. This makes me feel very confused. We hardly ever contact each other and part of me likes it that way - because contact feels too painful. Why is she so social and I feel like a loner? How do I gauge how she views me?

As you can see, I've fallen back to earth with a bump. The trip was fantastic though. Really, really good.

Hope some good things happened to others while I was away.

Max

[SallyM]

welcome back, max. glad you had a good trip. good luck with your w, too.

[MaxP]

Thanks morgan.

[Trixi]

Hey Max!
Welcome back- are you going to post any pics for us to live vicariously thru?

Coming back home has made me feel really down though. Once again it's just me and the house and I hate it. It's too quiet and I really miss social interaction.

You have that new job coming up, right? That will add some social interaction.
For me, I am going to go to some classes for adults. Where I live, they have a "university" that has short (1 time to 4 times) classes that are for adults and geared towards personal development. For instance, I want to take Salsa lessons, How to play Pool, a cooking class geared towards autumn food, how to get over stage fright, silver smithing, quit procrastination, recovering from loss and a few others. I think this is going to really open up my exposure to potential new friends.

I miss my wife hugely (will see her tomorrow). I have no idea what relationship I have with her any more. Not a clue. This makes me feel very confused. We hardly ever contact each other and part of me likes it that way - because contact feels too painful.

I certainly can relate to that.

Why is she so social and I feel like a loner? How do I gauge how she views me?

Just because someone appears social, doesn't mean that in their hearts they are feeling fulfilled. (the old "Feeling alone in a room full of people" thing.) You just did a two week trip with a bunch of strangers. You post here and reach out. I think these are good ways to "stretch your wings" and test out how to get "closer" to people in more non-threatening ways. (ie, instead of taking the "risk" of reaching out to people in your immediate circle.)

You will hopefully know how she guages you once you see her. Obviously, post what happens.

[MaxP]

Hey Max!
Welcome back- are you going to post any pics for us to live vicariously thru?

Hi agent99, how are you doing?

I need to sort something out on the photos front for the others in the group too, so once I do that I can post a link.

You have that new job coming up, right? That will add some social interaction.

For me, I am going to go to some classes for adults. Where I live, they have a "university" that has short (1 time to 4 times) classes that are for adults and geared towards personal development. For instance, I want to take Salsa lessons, How to play Pool, a cooking class geared towards autumn food, how to get over stage fright, silver smithing, quit procrastination, recovering from loss and a few others. I think this is going to really open up my exposure to potential new friends.

Yes, last week in my present job coming up. I start the new one next week. Big changes again. It will mean new people and hopefully new friends too.

Like you I intend to take some adult education courses, but need to wait until I know what my working hours are going to be like before I sign up (I will have a long commute in my new job). Watch this space.

Just because someone appears social, doesn't mean that in their hearts they are feeling fulfilled. (the old "Feeling alone in a room full of people" thing.) You just did a two week trip with a bunch of strangers. You post here and reach out. I think these are good ways to "stretch your wings" and test out how to get "closer" to people in more non-threatening ways. (ie, instead of taking the "risk" of reaching out to people in your immediate circle.)

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Posting to the board here is really helpful sometimes, particularly when I'm feeling a bit low. If anything I'm finding that I get on with strangers more easily than with my friends. I had a great time on the trip and had no problems getting to know new people there. I guess it comes back round to my problem with making demands on people (i.e friends) which is something I seem to have a hard time doing. It's that 'closer' thing you are refering to.

You will hopefully know how she guages you once you see her. Obviously, post what happens.

I will post. I feel so nervous sometimes. I just think that she doesn't feel anything for me anymore. I'm just an average friend to her (well, not even average - at least she interacts and talks to her other friends). It makes me feel that there is no hope for us, and that makes me want to withdraw even more. That could be a vicious circle for us. At what point will we have a discussion about 'us'? It's as though neither of us acknowlegde we have a past. I'm too scared and she doesn't care about me(IMHO).

[MaxP]

Sorry about the typos

[mkultra]

Welcome back Max! You are experiencing what they call "Coming down from the mountain." Sorry, Fellow. I find it best to look over my pics so I can recapture those feelings of empowerment. It is also helpful to start planning the next trip even if all the holiday money is spent. Write a review on TripAdvisor. Recommend all the places you love to other travellers around the world. This will help you retain that feeling of connection. Travel has already made you a more interesting human being and that is the best way to socially interact. You have to push yourself to become a stroyteller and socialize.

[MaxP]

Hummm, internet gremlins just ate my reply. Let's try again.

Hi mkultra,

I really enjoy traveling so can't wait for my next trip. Time will be the issue for me though, since I get even less holiday allowance in my new job.

I have some questions about being separated...

Since I have been back I have been feeling really down about the separation. I miss my W but feel unable to interpret what she thinks of me. We have had little contact since she went, most of it has been about practical topics. From what I know / feel, she seems intent on building up her social circle and social life to resemble what it used to be like before she met me (i.e. university crowd, lots of single people - including men she used to be good friends with). It feels to me like I no longer exist in her world, almost as though I and our past have been completely written out of it. This makes me feel a little angry and very confused. In response, I tend to withdraw from her even more and then have even less of an idea what is going on. So, many questions:

Is there any way I can gauge how she feels about me? How she even views me in all of this?
Is this too dangerous / too soon? (separated 7 weeks, seen each other twice, quite a few texts)
Can we discuss these things without setting us back?
Is there a danger in all of this that neither of us know what to do, so we end up drifting even further apart?
What strategy could be used to start a shift towards us having more high-quality contact?
How do I stop being paranoid?

I should settle down fairly soon again, but I am surprised to have all the sediment disturbed.

One thing I've felt throughout this process is that it feels like things don't add up. I think we are right for each other, but she is behaving as if she doesn't care about me at all.

Rant over.

Max

[Trixi]

One thing I've felt throughout this process is that it feels like things don't add up. I think we are right for each other, but she is behaving as if she doesn't care about me at all.

I am sure she cares. You don't spend that much time with someone and then stop caring. She may want to make YOU think she doesn't care so that she doesn't 'lead you on'. She may be trying to make HERSELF think she doesn't care so that she can move forward guilt free. Unless you abused her or neglected her to the point she has been disconnected for years, I just can't imagine she doesn't care.

Is this too dangerous / too soon? (separated 7 weeks, seen each other twice, quite a few texts)

Is what too soon? Meeting?

How do I stop being paranoid?

Good question- let me know what you find out.

Is there a danger in all of this that neither of us know what to do, so we end up drifting even further apart?
What strategy could be used to start a shift towards us having more high-quality contact?

Probably you need to make sure that all contact is positive and upbeat. Talk about how great Turkey was. All the socializing you did. Show pics. Any photos with you next to an attractive woman? Watch how she responds. What would be some 180s for you? What did she complain about? Have you been working on those things? Are there any concrete actions or evidence that you have been working on those things?

As far as discussing things- only you know how she might react. My H seems okay with talking about things; to a degree. Probably the biggest down side for me is that he is flip-flopping, so even if he does communicate, it is apt to change.

Can you not be honest and just ask how she views you? Are you prepared for any answer?

[MaxP]

Thanks Agent99, you're a real help sometimes.

Well, she just went. Must have been here for about 1.5 hours in all. She's gone home to eat and watch the football. Once again it felt really weird and we were both quite awkward for most of that time, but it got a little better towards the end (i.e. slightly more natural). Now she's gone I'm feeling really upset again. It's so hard to see her and spend time with her sometimes you know, and then she goes again. All those feelings are still there, as raw as ever. How can someone have that much emotional pull on your insides?

We talked a lot about what we've been up to. I was upbeat about the holiday and showed her a video slideshow that each member of the group came back with. We talked a lot about jobs and this and that. It seems that she is not quite as busy in the evenings as I thought, but seems very happy with her single life. Discussed a bit about money issues and her holiday plans. No real R talk at all. I still feel absolutely no love coming from her or any form of regrets about her decision.

We spoke briefly about meeting up again, which she is happy to continue doing. However she suggested meeting again in a month's time which I was completely shocked by (and it showed). If anything that's reducing the frequency of our contact, not increasing it which I don't take as a good sign, even if I do have a busy month coming up. As she left she said that we could see how we go and possibly meet up sooner. I felt that was a gesture towards me, not necessarily something she feels the need to do. I said before she went that although it is always awkward between us, she shouldn't think that this means that I don't want to meet her, I do enjoy meeting up with her. We'll see...

I think you're right about thinking much more about the 180s. I need to really focus on this. Other than that I have little idea as to how to rekindle any feelings she may have for me. I guess I need to take it slowly and be upbeat and patient. On the subject of caring, like you I can't believe that she doesn't care, but I see so little evidence (and there was no emotional or physical abuse). It's as if she has no emotions at all sometimes. I think perhaps that she is just happy with her decision to leave and will move forwards as best she can.

Although I would like to ask her how she views me I am too scared of the answer at the moment. I think she will say she views me as a friend, nothing more and I can't hear those words again. As I've said, just seeing her again completely devastates me emotionally each time. It's like being hit by a brick. I just feel like crying right now. I hate this.

Thanks for the support again - it really helps. Sorry to be so down today (again). I seem to need to do a lot of venting at the moment.

Max