I've been separated for three months. Married for 11 years, together for 17. No kids. It's only hit me in the past few weeks, thanks to this board and Michele's book, that part of what is happening with my wife is a MLC.
My question for now has to do with money. She's doing some major retail therapy. It seems a throwback to what she did many years ago when she was in a job she hated--drop a lot of money at the mall.
At first I took her retail therapy to simply be about her creating a new life--clothes, makeup, etc. I'm sure that's still part of it. I take responsibility for putting her in a good deal of unhappiness due to my failures as a husband, but I won't go into that here. I'm increasingly thinking, however, that a lot of this might also be due to guilt or some other uneasy/unhappy feeling that she's trying to deal with. She seems to have cut herself off from old friends. Perhaps she has some new ones, but my gut feeling now is that she's spending a lot of time alone/at the mall.
Anyone else had similar experiences, or anyone have any insights into what might be driving her? She's not asked for a divorce--classic MLC line about "needing to find herself" and "needing space." I'm happy to say I've avoided most of the classic mistakes such as begging, pleading, trying to control her, etc. I'm giving her space while working hard on fixing my flaws, and she knows some of what I'm doing. Still, she doesn't want to talk yet about the deep emotional stuff. Patience!!!!
Second question--what should I do if I feel her retail therapy continues at this pace? We have not separated finances. She has sold some financial assets to put into our joint account, so I take that as an act of good faith. Still, if this goes on for a few more months and we get divorced, I'm the spouse who risks losing out financially. Her family is very wealthy and can give her anything she needs. Whether a MLC person wants to be bailed out by parents is another story, I suppose, but at least she has the option. I don't have that choice. If I raise the financial stuff, does that risk pushing her further away? Or should I do so as an assertive act of self-protection. We're not in crisis now, but a couple more months of this pace and we might be.
Thanks for anyone who shares their experiences and insights. It's emotional hell, but there are practical sides like money that also need to be considered at times like this. And money issues can add to the emotional hell! This board has been so helpful in helping me understand what is going on. Thanks to all!
Yes.. absolutely protect yourself ! I dont know how YOU will do it.. but for me (my w is Bipolar and we are sep. soon to be D) I insisted that she spend $$ out of her own account.. we have 3 kids too.. so that really complicates the finances.
Protect your credit record/score etc..
I dont know if that helps.. but god these MLC'ers and mentally ill spouses can kill us financially... nip it at the bud !
oh.. and OM is named Bruce.. so If I get cranky with you.. um dont hold it against me okay ? You dont drive a BMW Z I hope !
Thanks attorneytom and lissie. No, I don't drive a BMW!!
Any thoughts on why she's all of a sudden looking at the financial mail (bank statements, IRA statements, bills, etc)? I know it can be dangerous, and foolish to try to read too much into behavior in cases like this, but I can't help it sometimes. It's definitely out of the norm--I handled all the bills, etc. for the 11 years of marriage.
My guess is she knows she's spending a lot, and maybe feels some guilt. She's tight as can be about anything emotional; has been all summer. I'm not pushing on that front, however. I've read too many sad stories here, and I picked this up from my reading right at the start of this mess. Pressure only backfires.
The hard thing about the money is I'm about to move and buy some furniture, etc. to improve on the GLA front. I'm not doing badly now--I've had wonderful friends who've really stepped up in terms of their emotional support. Still, right now I'm in an apartment and have less furniture than most college students! That's actually been therapeutic. I've been able to focus deeply on reading all sorts of stuff, journaling, etc. Now, though, it's time to get a few more creature comforts. The more I read, the more I feel we're in for a long, bumpy ride if we are ever to make it back. I'm still not sure we will, but I'm not running out on the marriage until I have done all I can. If she wants to run out without doing truly everything, as Michele advises, then that's for her to live with.
We all think we have "the one that would NEVER do that..." And they do.
My H was always frugal, thrifty and careful about money. He used to always say that financial security was his biggest concern.
Then, he blew through money like nothing, and spent ALL of it. I was lucky to get out what I had put in with paychecks. I was nice enough to do it slowly as not to leave him with nothing, as he was literally burning through his entire paycheck. He made major purchases.
And, in the end, I was accused of "stealing $" from him.
I wish I had gotten in all out in the beginning and had nothing to do with his spending.
Please take it out. You think that if you hold her this kindness, she will see that and come back. ALso, it hurts to make each action at separating things.
Many thanks to all who have replied to my concerns. One more question. If we separate finances, what should I do about mortgage payments? The house is in both our names. If I separate paychecks and expenses (we each earn about the same amount of money as the other) what should we do about the mortgage? How should we pay that and rent on an apartment? Am I right to be worried that if I stopped payment on the mortgage and left her to pay it since she's living in the house I would be at a disadvantage on distribution of property if we get a divorce?
We aren't in credit card debt. We can pay our bills so far, and she did sell assets in her name to put cash into our joint accounts, saying "neither one of us should worry about money at this time." However, my concern is where we might be 3 months from now if we/she continue at this pace. We won't be broke, but if a divorce happens three or so months from now (who knows, it may be longer, or never?) I will walk away with very little cash. Her parents are wealthy enough to buy her any new house she wants, and give her all the money she wants/needs for retail therapy. As I noted before, however, part of her MLC is trying to gain a sense of self-confidence and independence, so maybe she wouldn't want their money. She's been very dependent on them financially for much of her life.
I suppose we sell the house, and I would get furniture, etc. that we've jointly accumulated. Maybe I'm over-worried about this; a lack of money has always been a fear of mine.
Many thanks to all, and I wish you well in whatever your situation is.
