God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Unfortunately your S is the only one who can do anything about their drinking. My w tried for years to get me to stop drinking and in the end gave up on me and the m (so far anyway). I could tell she meant it when I got the ILYBINILWY 2 years ago this November. It took me 2 months after the bomb for me to get to AA and that was only because I'd read about it in the "Codependent no more" book my w was reading. Crazy hey, I only went so it would help w see I was trying to change i had not accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic I just thought I was a bloke that liked to get pi##ed a lot after all everyone else I knew drank a lot. Now I know that I used to hang around alcoholics, not real friends just drinking buddies not the same as friends not by a long shot.
I had my last drink in January 06 by April I had found out about my w's adultery and been forced out of the family home. I didn't want to go I can tell you but I knew that if I didn't she would and she would take the kids too. I couldn't let her do that so reluctantly I left.
So here I am now 18 months sober and w doesn't want a bar of me has the latest om round the family home most weekends. The kids hate the situation and the om. w seems as happy as Larry totally unaware of the suffering going on around her.
My life has changed dramatically in the last 2 years, if I don't count the situation with the w I'm quite happy with my lot in life. I hold on to the hope that my w is in MLC as she is showing all the traits of one and I know that it would only take one drink for all the good things I have gained to go.
So I thought I'd send you the Serenity Prayer above. You cannot make anyone do anything. You can only control what YOU do. Remember.
The first thing I learned was the control issue--I can't control anyone but myself. Frustrating as that is (being a control-freak), I realize it's true and once the reality of that set in, life became a lot easier--less worry and stress.
Good for you for getting and staying sober. I know it must have been difficult, but your life is much better now. Always, always remember that.
Well we talked bright and early this morning... we worked a few things out over the phone and will be here this afternoon. He said that no matter what, we had to find a way to make it work because he loved me. So, we'll see.
Well, things are going pretty well. We've been talking and working things out. I'm still working on me and he's starting back to AA meetings next week. He's still drinking a little. I've seen him have two (one each night) in the last week. I just wish he would stop, but I know he has to do that for him. I can't make him. I'm still going through my codependency book and going to al-anon meetings. I am also going to counseling. He agreed to go with me, getting private sessions as well as together. He moved back in. The kids are thrilled. I'm still a little reserved, but I know this will work.
Howdy, don't know if you have access to the AA big book, if you do there is a chapter for the spouse in it you might want to have a read of.
Al-Anon must be helping you, my w went once a week for about a month and has shown no interest in going back telling me she has done her steps.
I do hope your h gets it, the AA I mean. Stopping the drinking is just the start once stopped you've got to face the dramas you have created and people you have hurt AND you have got to learn how to live.
Your h is lucky he still has your support. Good luck.
Thank you for your support. The BigBook is available online. I decided to read the whole thing, I'm on chapter 6. I haven't made it to the spouses chapter yet.
The Al-Anon is helping me--it makes me realize that I am not alone. That there are other people out there dealing with the same thing. Their story is *my* story... some facts may be different, but it's all basically the same. And they're all just like me--codependent, hurt, trying to find a way to be happy... or they've been through it and now are happy... It's helped me to realize that *I* can't control anything other than myself. It's also helped me to accept him the way he is (within reason). And that's only step 1.
I'm stuck on step 2, the higher power. I've never been much of a believer--I mean, I know there's something else out there, but to have faith that he/she/it will take care of things and everything will be okay is out of my grasp for now. I figure I will just give it time and hopefully it will come to me.
I have a sponsor too. She's awesome. She's helped me work through a lot of things. I think sponsorship is the key.
As far as H goes... we were talking the other night... I was talking about how, though I'm working on it, I still have a lot of anger, resentment, guilt that I had to deal with. He said he did too--he didn't know how to deal with it, which is why he drank. It made me think about it. Not to justify, but a lightbulb definitely came on. It makes sense... in that way we are just the same too, everyone just handles things differently. If he didn't drink, he would be angry and moody and controlling (like me)... instead, he drinks so he doesn't deal with it. Anyway, it just made me see it differently and understand him and the disease so much better. I hope he will quit and learn to deal with things on his own, just like I hope to learn to deal with things on *my* own.
I think the counseling will help both of us a lot. I am thinking and feeling very positive right now. I hope to keep that feeling!
