I asked H to leave; regret-now what?

[Luluber1]

Dom, I forgot to ask you about your point on going dark. Yes I know H has "gone dark" on me, but are there any other choices for me to take.

I just can't see emailing or telephoning him at this point-he's pretty much made it clear he doesnt' want anything to do with me.

To answer your question on "passion": He's a musician and a promoter.

I'm trying to get real with myself, strengthen my weaknesses, GLA, etc. At this point I don't know if I'm prepared to wait a long time before legal separation-I don't want to chance getting into more of a financial mess and currently there is no indication that he wants to stay married.

Thanks for the info on the MLC forums, I'll do some reading.

[Luluber1]

It's been a hard two days, but I made it through. Today was melancholy. I've wanted to call my H and ask for a face to face talk, as suggested by Dom, however I've felt so blue that I couldn't make the phone call.

Today's my birthday and it was nice with my supportive sisters and family, but I was sad that my H did not call me. I wasn't expecting a call but it hurt nonetheless.

Since my H has gone dark on me I don't really know how to approach the whole situation, except to try Dom's idea, when I feel like I'm in a better place.

I thought of giving the telephone consultations a try, especially since my own C pretty much told me, 3 days ago, that I should move on and focus on myself; I guess I had a surprised look on my face and C said "you aren't thinking of going back to him are you?" I said "honestly, I don't know." C said I would just get hurt again-I got a little miffed.

My C saw both my H and I for 3 joint sessions 7 months ago-H quit after that; but C has seen me for over a year. This was not encouraging. That's probably why I'm bummed out.

Tommorrow will be a better day.

[Dom R]

Since he's the one who has "gone dark"....

perhaps the best option left for you... is to simply let go for now, and be the best you that you can be.
If he decides at some point in the future to "check in" on you, then you will be in a better place personally, to talk with him.
Try to do some things that are positively meaningful to you right now. treat yourself, and feel a bit better about yourself.

I'm very sorry that he did not contact you for your birthday.
To me, this says that the best thing you can do, is look after you right now.


As a side comment, he's a schmuck for not even acknowleging that you took care of HIS bills. especially on your birthday.

He is in total aggression/defense mode against you right now. nothing you say will have any effect on him right now, most likely.

So.. take care of yourself, "regroup", and see what you want to do in another week or so perhaps.

[Luluber1]

That is great advice, thanks!

Yesterday I woke up and felt pretty good. I have begun to regroup and rethink what is occurring. The routine I have set up for myself: prayer, a reading from daily meditation book, a positive affirmation, stretching/10 minutes of exercise, seeing my teenagers off to school, planning my day, etc. is really working to get my mind off H and onto me and what is important. I have planned things to do for next 3 weekends (with kids or friends) and will participate in a "cancer" walk next month.

It has sunk in that H is in anger/defense mode and whatever I say won't matter anyway. He has to deal or not deal with his own problems; I believe H needs time to walk his own path.

It has finally dawned on me that I don't want to have negativity in my mind or life and I don't want a reconciliation, just to have him back. I won't accept the same treatment and will work on restoring our marriage by restoring myself.

I will remain positive because it helps me enjoy life. I'll continue to pray for him and let the rest go. Life really is short and I need to focus on enjoying the present, not worrying about the past or future. When next week comes I'll see how I feel about the whole matter.

[Luluber1]

Today I had the bomb drop on me. One of my SIL told me that she heard, from a relative, that my H was with a woman at a party. He is a DJ/Musician.
I was in shock and after a while, without yelling/cursing I did leave a voicemail that let him know what I heard and if it was true. He did email and telephone and said it was not true that his family is a bunch of liars.

He does not want to reconcil and pretty much put a lot of blame on me for believing them-although I never said I believed them. That's why I directly asked him. H ended by saying I can believe what I want to believe, he doesn't care anymore. I asked if that meant he wanted a divorce and he said he would file this week. He also said he'd make payments on what he owes me (for past due bill) however at this point it's hard to believe anything. I feel like I should initiate the divorce.
Do I just wait this out?

[Luluber1]

There is a lot to be said about GLA and staying busy. In the last entry I started to panic-which is the wrong thing to do-and felt hopeless again.
I remembered to breathe and think, what would help me get closer to my goals? So I started rereading DB and some of the other posts where spouses have mentioned the D word.
I got out some paper and started out with writing a letter about how I was feeling, then I looked at it from the viewpoint of DB and found that I was getting on the pity pot again and being self-righteous again. Then I tore the letter up and concentrated on my DB goals for the next week.
Then I put on my mp3 player and went and did some gardening.
Luckily I had some activities planned for the weekend and I went about getting myself ready for them and kept pushing the word "divorce" from my mind.
It seemed like uplifting items crossed my path in the next 3 days: hearing great Christian music, ran into someone who had been separated a couple of years ago and hearing her DB story, finding some messages from church service which "talked" to me regarding anger, true intimacy, and faith.
The weekend turned out pretty well and I found a good deal of comfort from being with friends and family, without rehashing any of my separation problems.
I did have to email my H today to give him a message regarding an important business situation and an hour later he responded positively and thanked me. I didnt' respond because I was no longer on the computer and two hours later he telephoned me-I didn't answer because I wasn't home, but I did return the call a couple of hours later and he was pleasant and thanked me again. I said "you're welcome" and he asked me if I'd leave an item on the porch for him tomorrow afternoon; it's an expensive item so I said I would be home and would give it to him if he'd like and he said okay, thanks.

That action achieved two of my new goals for the week (don't panic/get angry and he made a positive contact with me). Although these are small steps it was really important to me. Also, I haven't heard any more on the D word so I'm keeping my mind/heart together and will continue to DB.

[Dom R]

Positive thoughts for you...

[Luluber1]

Now I know why Patience is a virtue. DB is not for the impatient, in my case it is going at a snail's pace, however that is some movement. My H called and asked if some mail came from a specific business; I told him no and then it was "oh, okay,thank you, bye." Not much, but some contact.

But the reason for the post is that I started reading a book called "Real Love in Marriage" by G. Baer, M.D. (luckily we have a great city library or I'd go broke with the books). There is a section on "Getting and Protecting Behaviors" which was really interesting and applied to my H and my actions.

If our separation doesn't lead to a reconciliation and restoration of our M, at least I will have learned how to respond better and that's a positive move. Have a better day !

[Luluber1]

I saw my H for the first time in a month. He called and asked if he had any mail and I said yes. He said he was 10 minutes away and was it okay to drop by; I said "sure." I got really nervous and tried to remember how to act.

Then he called and said "I'm parking the car, I'll be there in a few seconds." When I opened the door he was walking up and I smiled, then he smiled. I invited him in but he declined. As I handed him the mail I asked how he was doing, "good, and you." I said "good" and then I said "I miss you." It just slipped out. He said "I know, I know" quietly. Then he said he had to run to a meeting and said goodbye.

I was happy that he didn't ask for the rest of his clothes, or talk about divorce, or look angry. So I'm taking this meeting as a positive.

[TopJ]

Lulu,

Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson? It is REALLY good and mirrors DB strategies in many ways. It discusses letting go and detachment as the only way to regain respect from your spouse. Neediness, clinginess will cause him to close the cage door...he likely felt trapped in the M. It is the hardest thing in the world to do, but you must move on in his eyes--no matter what the outcome it is the best thing. I highly recommend this book.

Also, Homer's "Stop Your Divorce" is kinda strangely written, but offers some great advice to put things in perspective. Let me know if you would like to borrow a copy.