So, I've been taking a different approach (for me) and working on detaching. I'm tired of trying to play a game with my W which is what I feel like I've been doing for the past month. I want this M to work and I'm going to continue to put in the time working my issues so that it can work but I'm done stressing about how every little thing I say and do appears to her. This is what I'm telling myself, the reality does not quite match yet.
I'm in Vegas for work right now and that's really helped me get out of this "it's her or nothing" mindset I've had. I love my W dearly but I have to face the fact that she's not the only woman in the world that I can be happy with. That kind of thinking is a result of my low self-esteem and is not reality. Just chatting up some ladies standing in line to go on a ride at the Stratosphere drove that point home to me. Beyond that, I can't control what she thinks and feels and does. All I can do is support and encourage and love her for who she is, I can't make her send those things back my way. So, either I do that and accept that this is something I might never get from her or I cut my loses and walk. Right now, I'm not ready to walk.
Bryan - you are right. There are other fish in the sea as they say. I am trying to get to that detachment myself. It is hard since the last thing you want to think of right now is it not working out and being with someone else or them with someone else. Maybe I will have to take a trip to Vegas to help me out.
I am not ready to walk either. I think we just need to accept that our lives with them are on hold so to speak but we need to go on living. Eventually they will be back in our lives one way or the other we just have to have the patience to give them this time that they need. That is what I am doing and it seems to be working. He has been nicer to me this week then the last several and he is really starting to look at me I think. I just hope that is all a good sign like the MC says. Hang in there.
If you get down or need to chat I am here for you.
Bryan - good for you. I have found that in the past few days, I am detaching, that the NC is actually helping me to do that, and like you, have started to realise that the world is a big place and that there are plenty of other great people waiting to receive the sort of new love and affection we can offer. If our WAWs cannot see sense and continue on their destructive ways, we must let them go - one day they'll realise it - and in the meantime, live life to the full. If someone else comes along, you have the power to make a choice right .... and by that time, the W may be starting to attach again. Time time time is our friend.
Me - 39 W - 33 M - 5yrs Bomb - 8/5 2007 Moving out - 9/8 2007
Thanks psych. I don't know that I'm doing the detachment correctly though because I now kind of feel resigned to me and the W not getting back together. I mean, I still love her and still would like to work things out. On the other hand, the past couple of days my eyes have really opened up to the changes she would have to make in order for me to be happy in our M again and I don't know that she wants to make those changes. I love her with or without the changes, I just don't see myself being happy in the M without them if that makes sense. And I'm getting to a point where I'm can't settle for not being happy anymore. Is this normal? MKultra, Nugget, Dom, any of you guys that have done this over a long period of time, is this a normal progression or am I missing something?
Bryan - the others can add from experience, but I do share the same feelings you do, and for me, its part of the process. My W should not now just be able to stroll back into my life, and nor should yours. R takes two and a lot of hard work, and we should all want the very best - sticking together when you know its not right is not the right answer, in my view.
Me - 39 W - 33 M - 5yrs Bomb - 8/5 2007 Moving out - 9/8 2007
So I talked to W tonight and I screwed up. She was telling me about some salary negotiations she's doing for her new job and one of the things she used as leverage was having to maintain two households. She said to me "they don't know any better". After asking what she meant (mistake #1 cause I knew what she meant, I just wanted to challenge her to say it), she said about the fact that we're probably going to get a D.
That hit me so hard, I was shocked. I've been seeing a lot of positive signs from her, I've been trying to detach but when she said that, and the off-hand "gee isn't the weather nice" tone she used floored me. She could tell and asked what was wrong which was like twisting the knife a little more. I mean, how could she not know what was wrong when I've been working my ass off to save this M? I mentioned what she'd just said (mistake #2, not projecting total contentment) and she got quiet and apologized for hurting my feelings and she said I thought we'd agreed this was the path. I collected myself and tried to bounce back but couldn't really so I got off the phone.
I sat and stewed on this for a few minutes and then I thought why am I surprised? If I'm detaching, then I should accept her for who she is; the only reason I got my feelings hurt is because I expected something from her I had no right to expect. So I called her back (mistake #3, persuing) and apologized for my reaction. Said that's just how she feels and there was no reason to get hurt over it. I think that impressed her a little. I also said I shouldn't get my feelings hurt because I don't think the D will happen anyway so why get upset about something I don't think will occur (mistake # 4, tipping my hand). She said I sounded confident and her tone implied in a good way. She asked why I thought that and I said because she still loved me and I still loved her (mistake # 5, o ILYs) and that the next couple of years will be tough but we will make it.
In the end, I said too much and definitely lost it for a bit but, when I was hanging up the phone with her, she said "I miss you". I smiled and said I know, I miss you too. Goodnight and the call was over.
Yeah, I think I screwed up but I'm not sure that I could have really played it better at this point in my program. I made a mistake and I tried to recover it but made a few more in the process. In the end, things seemed to come out OK but I am still a little taken aback by her D comments. I know this is a HUGE deal for her, reneging on wanting the D has so many implications for her that she's not OK with so I should be more understanding about it.
Me: 32 in OH Wife: 29 in MD Married: 4 years No kids Seperated 14 months
sorry about your rough phone call. I'm going to make it a bit rougher for you, but in hopes that future ones for you, and future conversations, will go better:
Quote:
She said I sounded confident and her tone implied in a good way. She asked why I thought that and I said because she still loved me and I still loved her (mistake # 5, o ILYs) and that the next couple of years will be tough but we will make it.
It may or may not have been a mistake to say "i love you" to her. but it was probably more of a mistake to tell HER, that SHE loves you. Most people will rebel, if you start telling them how they feel. Similarly with telling her "I know", when she told you that she misses you.
Nice that she said that, though!
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Yeah, thanks Dom, you're right on that. Like I said I was really upside down, more so because it was so unexpected. I thought I really had my head on straight and that I was doing what I needed to do for me to get through this. She asked me to call her when I get back to the hosue (am traveling now) so she knows I got home safe so hopefully that goes better. Any thoughts on the detachment? I'm having a really hard time detaching and staying hopeful. I can do it and still care but I can't seem to do it and think that things will work out.
This past week has felt like a huge setback and I'm not sure how to get things back on track. Divorce hearing is in three weeks and from what she said last night, she's planning on making it. I know I need to let it go and just be OK with whatever happens but there is a good bit of anxiety realted to it still. I really do appreciate everyone's help, I'd be a basket case without it.
HI Bryan It sounds like the phone calls were not that bad if she said she missed you at the end. That has got to be a good sign I would think.
As for detaching I think that we are in the same boat. I am trying but of course it is not always working but it is tough and there are others out there. It is tough though to think of others when there is a specific one that you want. One that you had and just can not seem to get back.
My MC said that when they do come back it is a whole different ball game which is a good thing because the way it was before was what made it go wrong so it will be a whole new life and situation when they finally do get their heads out of their a$$es and come home (Ok she did not say that but I think that is what she meant)
That's what floored me about this. There's been so many positive things like the I miss you comments that I've been taking to mean that maybe things were turning a corner in her mind and then she comes back and flipantly says that we're porbably going to D. That and she's said twice over the past two weeks that we're dating which I took to mean a step towards reconciling.
I made an appointment with Jody tomorrow to see what she thinks and if she can find anyway to help me patch up my mis-step. I'm going to run this by Jody but I think if I can get W to bring up the R this weekend when she has time to talk about it, I need to get an answer from her about where she thinks we're going. If were dating then I'll continue trying to work on my issues and be nice and supportive towards her but if not, if she's set on the D then I don't think being available to her is in my best interests. I don't think she's felt any kind of loss about the R yet as she can still call me for support and talk to me about her day; she's getting the best of both worlds. I'm not sure if that'll work against me though as she VERY stubborn and hurt and if she sees me pulling back, it might be a green light for her to get on with it.
