SD--Love that quote. Another for the sticky notes...
OK, I am back from NJ. A day late. I was at the ER last night until 2am. I was light-headed and woozy from about 3pm on, and it wouldn't quit. Started just after a mini-panic attack upon seeing a man carrying a baby (the first time something so random struck me completely out of the blue). I quickly went to the bathroom, cried for about a minute and then regained composure...
Anyway, the dizzyness kept getting worse, and my friends grew increasinly concerned. There was no way I could drive. I called my GP about 8pm, and he said some of the side effects of the meds could raise blood pressure and cause heart problems, but he couldn't tell what was going on--get to the hospital.
My blood pressure was very high when I got there. But all the other tests came back ok. I almost didn't even tell the ER doc that I had had some, um, loose bm (sorry) for the past two days. Ultimately, they decided that I dehydrated myself, and taking the medicine made me more suceptable to the woozy feeling. So, IV fluids and some Imodium...at least my friend and I were "entertained" by the local drunk, a woman singing at the top of her lungs until she was taken to psych, and a guy who was there for the 16th time for dislocating his shoulder.
It was the first time that I had to tell someone about the sep, officially. Different address, phone number--who was the emergency contact? Blech. But, no phone call to H.
Kids are going out to dinner with him tonight. He invited them to sleep over, but they don't want to (tired? something else? who knows...he can ask them). He is going fishing tomorrow afternoon, so asked if we could split this weekend. They will go back for the day on Sun.
Mon is court. MIL told me when I got home today that FIL doesn't feel comfortable going with me--doesn't want to know about the "private" details, or appear to take sides. So it begins. It was bound to happen. I called the L I consulted with, and she won't review my paperwork without being retained ($5000), so we will see what Mon brings. I might have to shell out the $$ after all...
Next weekend the kids are with me.
I had a GREAT time (other than the ER!) with my friends this week, although we did talk about the sitch more than I would have liked--it is getting pretty boring, you know? All the same advice and support. My head gets it--just wish my heart would hurry up and catch on completely.
Hope this finds all my friends strong and well... Donna
OK, so I know that I am not crazy. But I looked down today, and I have H's wedding ring on my necklace again (from when I went to FL). It left an imprint over my heart when I was sleeping, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with my skin...some kind of lyme disease rash? Then I figured it out--and took the ring off.
H is not good for me the way he is. He is showing no signs of changing. A few of my friends here have mentioned that I am in love with a ghost. I think that is true. Too bad that he is still haunting me.
Just like the cycles down into the abyss, I can feel myself cycling back up. Yes, there have been dips, but they don't go so far down as the last one. I brought the kids over to H's today and found myself more preoccupied with the Fri night rush-hour traffic than seeing him. I dropped the kids in the driveway with a quick kiss and wish to have a good time, saw H and felt...nothing. No hands shaking. No heart racing. He was just some guy, dressed in a t-shirt with ripped sleeves and a bit overweight. It was very strange. I waved to the kids and drove away, thinking about what I was going to eat for dinner tonight, and what has to get done to be ready for school.
I guess that we all have to go through this journey in our own way. Some great ones are able to hit the bottom quickly and shoot right back up out of the hole, learning all the way. Me, the perpetual dizzy blonde, had to go in loop-de-loops!
I have been trying to think of a symbol for letting go...something that will be going into my first pastel painting in many years. I have my sketchbook out again, and am trying to think visually rather than in words all of the time, stretch out that part of my brain again. A butterfly off of a child's hand keeps popping up, but it has been done so much, I am pushing myself farther. We'll see where that goes.
I know how sorry I am for all that I contributed to the breakdown of my M. But I am not sorry for having my eyes opened to how I was living life complacently, and the changes that I have made and continue to make in light of that. I do feel myself pulling far ahead of H at this point. It may be that he wants someone who would only live for him, with no outside life or interests--I think that is something that CW may actually be able to do. It would be in stark contrast to how I have lived, or how I would ever want to live. If that is what will make him truly happy, I know that I can't be that for him, and I will be glad (someday) that he has found what he searched for.
I look back and wonder how much we ever really understood each other at all. It is sad, but there were so many positive things, experiences and emotions there, too. I will never forget them. But I know that there will be more for me.
Once we get the agreement signed, I think that I will be able to let him go. I do expect to have some hard days (I am not the cold-turkey kind of person, obviously), but I will forgive myself for them.
Maybe the best way to solve this problem is to change what the problem is. It is not about winning my H back. It is about letting him go, and winning myself back.
I am going to be going back over all of my friends' posts to me here, cards and words of caring over this whole time in my life, and "collecting" some of the descriptors that they have shared about me. When I am down, it is so easy to buy into all of the negative traits I see in myself, and what H has seen and convinced me of. These things are not useful to me, especially if they no longer hold true. If there are some left, I will accept them or plan goals to address them. But just like the life before me, the positives far outweigh the baggage.
Tomorrow's agenda will be to work with my IC to counter the spew that H regularly throws at me to cut me up and down. I am going to write out as many unkind and uncaring things that he has come up with to justify his actions, and write down the truth. I may have to look at it during the mediation at some point on Monday, but other than that, it will be another resource to keep me from the desperation and darkness.
If anyone is in the mood to type anything that jumps to mind for either issue by tomorrow night, I would greatly appreciate it. I know that the strength is here inside me; I just have to tap into it in a more concrete, planned manner.
The rebuttals will be for me (with the exception of the weekly $$ and the kids' contact with CW--those may have to be hauled out, even if he doesn't agree with them).
I can really see your feet planted firmly under you now. Before you were flailing in a turbulent sea. But I worry about you reading through all those old posts just yet. I'm afraid that your torment will grab you and pull you down again. I just don't think you are far enough from the maelstrom yet.
I love the idea of putting your emotions into your art. That will be very good for you, and I'm sure you'll produce some very interesting images. I have been thinking that as verbal as you are, you would probably be a very good English teacher too. I bet you'd be great at creative writing.
You may be right about reading through the old posts...I am just looking to build up my PMA to withstand the onslaught, you know? (And I minored in English--happy now that I didn't get certified in it, as friends of mine have an average of 3--4 hours of homework/correcting papers each night!)
Any other time, I know who I am, what I want out of life, and what kind of person I am and want to be. I bet that many here would find it hard to believe that I was actually a pretty self-confident woman before my M imploded. What I discovered early on, though, was that it was a false sense of security based on my being co-dependent (enmeshed, OT?) with H. When that was ripped away, I thought that all that I was and had done would fall apart and never be again.
Would my path have been different without H? Sure. But I am a good Mom, a caring person toward family, friends and people in general, an artist, a life-long student, a teacher, a writer, etc...all of these things are independent of whether H was/is in my life. I can see it, now, and with it a good future. Things will be different without the extra set of hands around (there have been a very few times when scheduling was more challenging, but I am SO glad that the kids are older--I feel so much for those of us who go through this with babies!!). The biggest practical thing that is getting to me is 1) not being able to help S fix his bike (I would have brought it to the repair shop, but H said he would fix it), and 2) I haven't found a way to trim the 400' of hedges in the yard--yet!
I miss the part of my life that I had with H, but realize that it had been lacking for a while, now, even though his pretending and our busy schedules kept my focus away from it while we were going through it.
I have been the reluctant DBer--knowing in my head what must be done, but having a hard time getting my emotions in check. So, another lesson learned, another goal to set.
So, I'm collecting positive observations about myself--from within and from others ;0) I know that I am so much more than the current picture that H has ingrained in his head. It will be his loss.
I am amazed at the level of calm you can achieve when you put your mind to it. I know we are emotional creatures but you are dealing with a very negative situation. I know we all are but at least my kids and I do not have to see it. My mom does and that is painful enough for her and me. People can be so disrespectful when they have a sense of entitlement. Maybe it is the mom in me or the buddhist background or the Christian background or whatever but I feel like I have always been putting other people before me. I always had this , "No, after you," mentality but I am a chick? Are you this way? Do you put other people before you? Do you get mad when people take advantage of your kindness. It seems like that is what your H has done. I dunno. It is very frustrating to have so much unconditional love for someone who cannot appreciate it. My H does not even realize or want the level of forgiveness I am able to bestow upon him if the fog ever cleared. Maybe I am blind and I also love a ghost.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Thank you for the kudos, OT. I'm just thinking of how many 2x4s I needed...but I do know that I am getting there. You asked me once what I may be afraid of if I let H go...I think it is failure, especially for my kids, but also perceived by the outside world. That somehow I wasn't able to keep my H. That is the work I have ahead of me in IC. There were things that I contributed to this fallout, but his EA/PA was HIS choice. Mine was to work hard to change and become a better person. It is just a shame that we are going down such divergent paths after all this time together.
MK--well, my H was the one who always did for everyone and felt taken advantage of. I think that I may be more balanced (although a bit on the spoiled side, looking back--I thought he did things for me as acts of love, not realizing that he resented it).
But there is a sense of unconditional love, forgiveness and blind faith that I had for him. I don't know if these qualities are desirable anymore, as they lead me to this place. If I had treated him as someone I could loose, rather than with complacency, we may never have gotten here. There is a bit of risk to getting too comfortable, I guess.
I am trying to see all of the lessons in this, as I want to pass on the knowledge to my kids. At first, I was very angry that they might come to see committment as something to hold only as long as it felt good. But I think that there is another piece to this that I missed: staying aware.
Hi Donna, I've been reading your sitch with interest. How about for your letting go symbol two halves of a heart, one yours the other your h. You are holding your half but h's half is locked in a safe with a see through door. You are letting go of his half so to speak. Just a thought. If you think it is mad then please do say!!! Take care, Laurel.
It is very frustrating to have so much unconditional love for someone who cannot appreciate it. My H does not even realize or want the level of forgiveness I am able to bestow upon him if the fog ever cleared. Maybe I am blind and I also love a ghost.
ding ding ding. wow, mk, you really nailed it here. well put, and definitely something I could have written.
Donna, I also agree with mk about the level of calm you seem to achieve when you are determined to. well done.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
