If I am the one?

[thegoodfight]

I have been contemplating a question and I don't believe it belongs in my original post. Since I came back, I was the one that committed adultrey, and now I am the one that wants to work it out I am not sure I can relate to many threads.

Let me explain, from what I have read most folks here are struggling with their S. being with someone else. I on the other hand never left the house for someone else, I left for me and came to my senses pretty quick (2 weeks). Most here are hurt by the others infidelity.

My question is this, so many seem willing to go to C. or get help to save the marriage and are still being hurt by unknowns or the S. not being home. I guess I am doubting my chances since my W. doesn't want to work on it. She doesn't want me back.

[RedHeadWife]

Well, if she let you come back home, that must mean something. Yes, we who have been the "victim" of the A still have issues that we have to deal w/, however, if your W will go to counseling w/ you, that would help immensely.

[SueS]

Thegoodfight-

Let me tell you....I am not here to judge you or what you did. We know that you're hurting too. I'm....as cadesmom put it....a "victim" of a past PA & of a current EA/PA. I still love my H very much. I will tell you though, that after the initial shock, hurt, sadness....I was very, very angry. I knew I hadn't been the perfect wife and I'd made mistakes, but I was mad as hell that he'd broken our vows and let another person come into our lives.

I agree with cadesmom that if she let you come back, that's a good thing. Have you gone to a C yourself? Maybe if she sees that you're going it will help. At least a pro-marriage C would give you some words of wisdom to help you.

I wish I had the answers for you. That's what we all wish is that someone had the right answers for all of our unique situations. We'll be here for you though.

SueS

[thegoodfight]

I have been, and she refuses to go. At first she wanted to work it out, then didn't, then did, then didn't. Basically that is where it stands. I understand and appreciate the support, I know she needs a lot of time and has to do things at her own pace. I just wondered if anybody had any like experiences or was going through the same thing. However I appreciate all points of view and your input.

Like you folks, at first very sad, now very angry at times, I can tell by how she deals with things and a very negative attitude in general. I guess I just wish she was happy and comfortable with whatever she decided. Problem is one minute she seems fine, the next very irritated.

[mkultra]

Sue is right. Take the first step and go to individual therapy. Do all you can to be reassuring and remorseful. An indicator of a successful reconciliation after an affair is the amount of remorse the WS shows while the LBS "acts crazy".

[mkultra]

ARTICLE FROM MARRIAGE BUILDERS

Q: Can all relationships be fixed after an affair?
Dr. G. No. What I look for is how the unfaithful partner shows empathy for the pain that they have caused when the betrayed spouse starts acting crazy.

Q: In what way do they act crazy?
Dr. G. They?re very emotional. They cry easily, their emotions flip-flop. They are hypervigilant. They want to look at the beeper. They have flashbacks. In the car they hear a country-western song and start crying, or accusing. They obsess over the details of the affair. Although these are common posttraumatic reactions to infidelity, their behavior is very erratic and upsetting to them and their partner. How much compassion the partner has for that is one of the benchmarks.
Another sign of salvageability lies in how much responsibility the unfaithful partner is willing to take for the choice they made, regardless of problems that pre-existed in the marriage. (We definitely need to work on the weaknesses of the marriage, but not to justify the affair.) If the unfaithful partner says, "you made me do it," that?s not as predictive of a good outcome as when the partner says, "we should have gone to counseling before this happened to deal with the problems." Sometimes the unfaithful partner really doesn?t regret the affair, because it was very exciting.
One of the big strains between the partners in the primary relationship is the way they perceive the affair partner.
Q: How so?
Dr. G. A lot of the anger and the rage the betrayed spouse feels is directed toward the affair partner rather than the marital partner: "that person doesn?t have any morals;" "that person was exploitative." "That person?s a home wrecker." To believe that of the marital partner would make it difficult to stay in the relationship.
At the same time, the person who had the affair may still be idealizing the affair partner. The unfaithful spouse perceives the affair partner as an angel, whereas the betrayed person perceives an evil person.
It?s important at some point in the healing process for the involved person to see some flaws in the affair partner, so that they can partly see what their partner, the betrayed spouse, is telling them. But it?s also important for the betrayed spouse to see the affair partner not as a cardboard character but as a human being who did some caring things.

Q: Is there anything else that helps you gauge the salvageability of a relationship after an affair?
Dr. G. Empathy, responsibility?and the degree of understanding of the vulnerabilities that made an affair possible.

Q: What vulnerabilities?
Dr. G. There are individual vulnerabilities, such as curiosity. Somebody gets invited for lunch, and they go to the house because they?re curious. They must learn that getting curious is a danger sign. Or they learn that if some damsel or guy in distress comes with a sad story, instead of becoming their confessor and their confidante, they give out the name of a great therapist. Knowing what these vulnerabilities are, and understanding them, allows a person to avoid them.

[thegoodfight]

Thank you for the article, perhaps it is best if I go back to counseling again. Interesting enough, it explains why she feels I have no reason to be unhappy about anything except what I did.

I have taken full responsibility for my actions and the current and eventual consequences that part is good. I have also in the past acknowledged the character flaws with the OW. She was mad at me when I suggested I was going to go back to counseling saying it was all about me.

I guess I should go back again at least to find out a good way to go about this. Thank you for your thoughts and information.

[thegoodfight]

Thank you for the article, perhaps it is best if I go back to counseling again. Interesting enough, it explains why she feels I have no reason to be unhappy about anything except what I did.

I have taken full responsibility for my actions and the current and eventual consequences that part is good. I have also in the past acknowledged the character flaws with the OW. She was mad at me when I suggested I was going to go back to counseling saying it was all about me.

I guess I should go back again at least to find out a good way to go about this. Thank you for your thoughts and information.

[thegoodfight]

Thank you for the article, perhaps it is best if I go back to counseling again. Interesting enough, it explains why she feels I have no reason to be unhappy about anything except what I did.

I have taken full responsibility for my actions and the current and eventual consequences that part is good. I have also in the past acknowledged the character flaws with the OW. She was mad at me when I suggested I was going to go back to counseling saying it was all about me.

I guess I should go back again at least to find out a good way to go about this. Thank you for your thoughts and information.

[thegoodfight]

Not much progress in my Sitch other than my W. is starting to talk to me about everything. She told me about somebody at work that hits on her all the time. He has a pregnant wife at home! I listened intently and then walked away after she was done talking. She came back to me and said give me some credit I would never get involved with him or anyone like him.

I indicated I know that it isn't that I feel for his wife and what a shame he isn't growing up. That is what bothers me! She said she wished things were better with us, but just doesn't feel anything. Although she did slip and say I love you last night when I paid her a compliment. I don't read too much into it. Not sure I think maybe her head and her heart are at odds right now. I still think she is so hurt and mad. But I have to keep the door open otherwise knowing how she is, if the D. happens and when it starts to effect our S. she will be even worse and more resentful.

There has been some success in the past when I take our S. out of town to his grandparents and suggest she takes some time alone. She seems to miss things, I guess I am not sure what to do. We are talking more and she smiles more, (her ring is still off). She says she feels more honest saying it is over. We are just friends and maybe we can live together for a couple of years. She said she worries I won't treat her as well when and if she starts doing things on her own. (I take this to mean dating). She definitely talks alot more about attention she is getting outside of the home. Never made much mention of it in the past or she would dismiss it by saying they don't have a chance. No qualifications to her comments anymore.

Yesterday she also stated that she sometimes is sick and tired of being the peace keeper. She always has to be nice and make the peace, especially since her sister is going through one of the ugliest divorces I have ever seen. By the way both parents are doing all of the don'ts in many articles. I don't know it is almost like she likes this, we had a lack of Intimacy before and it is almost like this is perfect for her because now she doesn't have to try. We can just be friends and parents.

I look at our S. and I can't stand the thought of not being there for him, but I also know I can't live like this forever and I don't think over time we can date and just not talk about it as she suggested. I doubt doing that will make things better.

Still no talk of filing or getting help through a Counselor. It is like she is fine with limbo for now.

Any thoughts or suggestions?