why don't I listen to my own stories?

[Trixi]

I sent these stories to a friend, but thought I would post them here, too.

A gal I showed homes to today had this story to tell.
She was madly in love with a guy. He kept coming and going. Wishy washy.
Finally she said "look, at the end of these two weeks, you will need to make up your mind. I am madly in love with you, but I can't take this anymore." Two weeks passes and it's the morning of - she says "okay, two weeks is up. Now is the time to make up your mind once and for all. If you decide you are leaving, don't take *some* of your stuff, take ALL of your stuff. If you do that, you aren't welcome back. Ever."
She got back from work and he was gone. She was sad but not shocked. (but she did want to vomit.)
2 weeks passes and he emails saying "I made a terrible mistake. I'm in love with you". She doesn't respond. Two weeks after that he emails and says "I love you. Will you please marry me?" She was pissed because he didn't bother to come see her in person and she basically emailed back and said "no. you had your chance."

She is now dating a WONDERFUL man.

Bottom line:
She was sure it was done. Over. Kaput. As soon as she let him go, really let him go-he realized his mistake. But by then she was done.

I had a boyfriend that was back and forth with me for several years. We each dated other people. Finally, he got serious with a girl. right before the wedding he asked if I thought they should get married, and i told him that just asking me the question made me answer no. He married her anyway. That was that. I cried a lot. I moved on. Awhile later (once I was pretty serious about my then boyfriend/ now husband) he called me and wanted to see me. I met with him and he said "I made a terrible mistake. I have always loved you. I should have married you. As soon as the divorce goes thru, will you marry me?" And I said "nope. Too late. I really like who I am dating now." He has called me on and off thru the years to check in on me.

Tomorrow H and I are going to a wedding. I'm not sure if we're going "together" or not. I guess I will know more tomorrow.
I already cry at weddings, so I am admittedly worried about how things will go tomorrow.
First plan of action; look smokin' hot. (okay- I may not be able to pull off "hot", but at least look REALLY Cute!.)

I do believe I might need some sort of contingency plan if I start getting overly emotional. Sneaking out the back I guess would work. No, no, I gotta think positive. After tomorrow, there is no "need" for us to see each other again. One good thing about our sitch; no kids. One bad thing about our sitch: no kids.

[SallyM]

you need to definitely have a good plan in place...and that is going to be one emotional event, so the contingency plan is a very good thing to have. and yes, you will look smokin' hot.

stay strong! what is it they say teenage boys have to do when they first start having sex (guys, correct me if I'm wrong here). they have to think of anything but the event...they have to think of baseball, I don't know, stuff that will keep their mind off of things, or else, well, things end rather quickly? maybe while at the wedding, think of something other than weddings/other than you and H? does that make sense? because honestly, I know if I went to a wedding today, especially with H, I would be a wreck...a fully blown blubbering wreck.

my only other advice is to make sure to bring makeup with you. not just a lipstick thrown in the purse, bring the whole shebang. because then if/when you do bawl your eyes out, you can fix up rather easily. oh, and visine.

[jackw]

yes, i do recall closing my eyes and thinking about baseball. It was always a groundball to third and throw to first for the out. Very blah, nothing too exciting like a homerun or anything.

It worked like a charm...:)

[NikB]

Agent99: that story's pretty inspiring, thanks for posting it! I am in a place where I'm sooo sick of wishy-washy but I realize I am not "done" or ready to issue any ultimatems. I keep half thinking about it but then reading a story like that makes me realize if I get there, I WILL know.

About the wedding, some ideas:

- Yes, bring extra makeup and visine. And kleenex. Unless you really get weepy, some crying at weddings is normal anyway.

- Waterproof mascara, or no mascara.

- I'd suggest that YOU decide not to go with H. Don't leave that up to him. It's one of the few things in your control in this sitch, so enjoy it and take control. Not as a bitter or angry thing, but as if you are a lovely single lady going to the wedding and you might run into your ex-BF. I realize if the seating is assigned at the reception you might end up sitting with him but I'm sure you'll be at a table with other people too. Look hot, chat it up with those people, be cordial to H.

- Really visualize yourself sitting calmly through the wedding, the toasts, all that stuff.

- Do have an exit plan just in case - but keep it in the back of your mind, try your best to have fun instead.

- Do you know who will be there? I'd make a mental list of everyone you want to talk to, what you want to ask them about, what (good) things have gone on in your life since you saw them last. Makes it much easier to mix and mingle!

Good luck - and have fun!

[oldtimer]

There is a big difference between setting boundaries that respect you and make room for you to have a good life, letting go, detaching, becoming independent, nand so on, and being DONE.

It is a problem that many people only do the former when they reach the latter. Because the former is what it takes to save Ms and doing it after the latter is too late to save the M.

[NikB]

Excellent reminder, OT. Thanks.

[Dom R]

hey there.. was wondering when your thread would lock

Ya know.. women are EXPECTED to cry at weddings. You're covered

but if you want to avoid feeling bad, then how about this...
stop being selfish :P
This wedding isnt about you. it's about your FRIEND. If you care about her, and I'm sure you do.. then be happy fer her
think about HER, and HER day. and if you cry, may it be tears of joy for her. and i think that's just peachy in my book.

(that being said.. i think you should still go "with" your husband)


PS: oldtimer had some great words to say there. I wish that everyone here working on their marriage, would hear and understand what he just said.

[Trixi]

There is a big difference between setting boundaries that respect you and make room for you to have a good life, letting go, detaching, becoming independent, nand so on, and being DONE.

It is a problem that many people only do the former when they reach the latter. Because the former is what it takes to save Ms and doing it after the latter is too late to save the M.

That is very profound. I have been in "save the marriage" mode for so long, it's like I have been reinforcing within myself that I don't believe in D. That I *know* we could work it out if he would try, etc. In order to keep hanging on, etc, I have mentally reiterated over and over and over, that *this* is what a commitment *is*. You don't give up. Never say die.

Because of this brainwashing (for lack of a better term), I don't "get" how to detach/let go without being "done".
Am I making any sense here? I keep getting stuck in the "I made a commitment" loop. If I mentally break the promise I made, I guess I have to feel like it is serious enough that I am "done."

[Dom R]

Because of this brainwashing (for lack of a better term), I don't "get" how to detach/let go without being "done".

thoughts on that, a little free-flowing, 'cause I dont have long today:

what is meant by detatching, in this context, is choosing not to torment yourself by their choice of actions .
It is in some ways, learning to be not co-dependant. It is uncoupling your own happiness, by how that one person treats you.

It is learning to step back and let them make their own choices.

It's a "I do not control my husband" mantra.
It's "he is not a perfect person, he does not always have my health and wellbeing in mind, and I need to understand that" attitude .

or to put it another way, it's a form of dropping expectations, and trading it for hope.

EXPECTATION: "We are MARRIED! he's my husband! he shouldnt be xxxxxx.... he SHOULD be yyyyyyy! he's not doing that, and it hurts me!!"

HOPE: "I understand that my husband is not committed to me right now. It makes me sad that he does xxxx. But it does not 'surprise' or 'shock' me. I dont expect him to act differently, although i wish that he would. Without expectations, there is no surprise or shock.
I *hope* that some day, he will choose to value me again, and be committed to me again. But I am no longer surprised when he does not act that way.

I do not and cannot control his choices. I can only hope that he makes different choices and commitments some time in the future."

This is complemented very well, with a new-found attitude of,
"I would very much LIKE to be with my husband. but I dont *need* to be with my husband: I can enjoy life without him"
Doing the latter, helps greatly with the former.

That's roughly how I'm trying to live, anyways.


It's tough to live your life this way. It is a very unselfish, sacrificial thing to do. Current modern social teachings, do not value self-sacrifice, and favour just going out and finding someone else and "making yourself happy", after a token effort.

which is obviously why the divorce rate keeps climbing higher and higher.
marriage cannot thrive, in an environment of "me, me, me".

[DaveJ]

Agent99, go to the salon, get a professional makeover to look smoking hot.