Not sure where to post and I feel a bit lost. I have been lurking around the piecing forum. Lately I feel a lot of resentment and anger and I read a lot of advice with dealing with these issues overhere. So here's my post. I hope all your positive energy and outlooks will help me lift mine again. The past few months I have had contact with Imlin which helped me.
So I'm not really piecing ...yet. But I need help. I hope you do not mind if I post overhere.
Sitch in short: DH(38) behaviour changed rapidly in October '05. He suggested counselling but made no effort whatsoever to talk. He moved out early in june '06 and dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb two weeks later. He also admitted to an affair and said he ended it...the day before... Well he seriously detached and became mean and nasty. In December I found out he lived together with OW (23) and went dark the same week I found DB. Me(34) and DS (2) went on a monthlong vacation, before we left DH told me he did not make a choice and was having the same problems with OW. After my return I DBed like crazy and he was very skeptical but started coming around longer and inviting me etc.
He left the country to start a restaurant for 6 months with OW and her dad but returned today. About 6 weeks ago he started OR talk and said that OW means nothing and he went abroad to try out being a chef not to be with her. He said he loves me very much and it stood out high amongst all the mess he's in. Said I'm the most important woman in his life because I understand him.
We sublet an appartment in our house and it will be free next month. In the talk he suggested living there and I agreed but said that it would kill me if OW will come. He said she will not and it will be the end of it but he doesn't care. Now about us. He said he had blamed me for too much in our marriage and now it was time to look at himself. He did not put enough effort in the marriage from the beginning. He said I should not have any expectations when he starts living in the appartment whatsoever and he is not moving there to work on us but to be close to DS. He added that he does not feel attracted to me anymore. Which obviously worries me. After the OR talk he was very relieved but the weeks which followed he detached again.
I feel positive about him living very close by. It gives us the opportunity to spend time again together and retreat aswell. He can follow my changes and he can start to trust me again. (said a lot of times he feels my changes are not for real but to lure him back in)
Lately i started to feel very resentful and angry towards him and I feel he senses this immediately. I don't want to ruin this.
Pros: - if he lives there he can spend more time with your child - good for your child and for their bonding. - if he lives there you will have more opportunities to demonstrate your changes - if he lives there he will have more opportunity to see you in your sexy lingerie - if he lives there you will have a built-in babysitter - if he lives there, you will have more of a chance to make him jealous by going out and letting him wonder where and with whom you went, and why you're coming home at 3 am. (It's amazing how often those with "no feelings" suddenly find them when they realize they're losing the LBS).
Cons: - if he lives there without truly committing to working on the marriage, how will you deal with him going out on dates or bringing home dates (not OW, but new women)? - if you decide you're done with him, how comfortable will YOU be going out on dates and bringing them home with your H right there? - if he gets back together with OW he will likely break his promise not to have her there
It's a tough one, for sure. You'd like to encourage his positive behaviors, but taking him back if he's still in the mindset that he doesn't feel anything for you and isn't working on the marriage usually leads to repeat bombs.
Perhaps you should tell him "gee, H, since you've made it clear you're not interested in working on the marriage, I think it would make my dates too uncomfortable to have my EX living in the building".
Hi KML, Thank you for posting! There are more pro's than con's... I have already decided that I do want him in the house. DR also says that it gives you more opportunities and I feel so too.
Originally Posted By: kml
(It's amazing how often those with "no feelings" suddenly find them when they realize they're losing the LBS).
Yes I feel that it will trigger him... it also enables me to show him i'm a woman and not only a mommy. Dressing sexy and going out by myself.
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It's a tough one, for sure. You'd like to encourage his positive behaviors, but taking him back if he's still in the mindset that he doesn't feel anything for you and isn't working on the marriage usually leads to repeat bombs.
He feels very much for me. His best friend told me that DH is scared that when he comes back home things will turn back the way they were. He is very weary of me and scrutinises everything I do even told me he feels it's a trick to get him back.(I had a very high pressured job and we had a newborn and he just lost his mom - I could be bitchy at times and controlling and demanding (yuk) I'm sooo happy with myself now... I feel a sense of innerpeace and truly finding myself) In our last Rtalk he was carefully referring about a new start for us. Wanting a clean slate. I agreed with this and told him the 'old marriage is dead' He was very relieved at that. I think that is part of the problem and why he was so adament on not working on the marriage because it has a sense of trodding along instead of building something new. (do I make sense...???)
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Perhaps you should tell him "gee, H, since you've made it clear you're not interested in working on the marriage, I think it would make my dates too uncomfortable to have my EX living in the building".
At times when I feel the resentment I want to do that and push him away... But it will not help our sitch. It will cause him to retreat. I do not want to push or control anymore by using harsh words (or threats) to get a reaction out of him (that is an old behaviour I threw out of the door!) I feel it's different from going out and him experiencing the feeling when I do. I need him to come to me because I'm such a great, loving, beautiful, funny, creative, lovable, sweet sexy woman!!!!
I feel when he is living here he can pick up the way family life is again. Slowly. I intend to live my own life with DS and let him be. Let him come to me when he wants to come over etc. Ask me if he can join us doing something nice.
I don't see him living in the appartment as a reconciliation but as a step to turn the boat around where reconciliation will eventually follow...
