When to move back in together?

[the girl]

Hi everyone!
I wish we could all take a cruise together...we could laugh and cry and drink fruity cocktails by the pool. Maybe someone should suggest this to Michele. She could offer positive workshops. Then, when she was asleep, we could all go to the disco and dress up like our H's OWs and throw food at each other. Ha, ha!

Forgiveness is a daily excercise that is so unpleasant. It is like doing 300 situps in front of an audience. Overall I think I am doing well. I take it to God a lot because I realized that if I pray for the OW to know God she would really be out of my H's life. I am praying that God would give her dreams about how disgusting her actions are/were and that she would beg Him for a new heart and life.

I pray for God to deliver my husband from all the emotional bondage he is in and that the soul tie he has made with her would be shattered.

This morning I read in Genesis about Joseph and how he was enormously favored by God, but still suffered terrible injustice. But God always took Joseph's trials and used them for good. I was especially struck by the part about God blessing Joseph's life while in prison. Good stuff.

Today was positive; yesterday was misery. I went to church and layed on the floor. All that was being spoken and prayed was wonderful. I was so weak I kept seeing myself on a stretcher. I just layed there and soaked up everyone's faith and hope. (I go to an A/G church so laying on the floor is not abnormal

I have practically memorized "Not Just Friends". Unfortunately, I find Shirley's advice good for those who have ended the affair. In my case, it is a lingering nightmare. My H's contact with OW is a shadowy blob that I live with. So I find Michele's advice a lot better.

I find myself feeling pretty isolated in not wanting to tell people in my life that I am back with H, not knowing how much contact he has with OW, not hearing him tell me he loves me and not having any sexual intimacy. I know what they all say: I have no boundaries, I am letting him step all over me, why do I want to be with a man who doesn't love me, etc. etc.

Runningoutoftime, I understand your point about the honeymoon phase, but we are definately not in one. We are like roommates. We have a lot of fun with our kids.
We are being very, very diplomatic. He gives me a lot of pecks and hugs, so that is really nice. He tells me he needs time to feel physically affectionate with him.

I have just lined up childcare for when we go to Retrouvaille, in two weeks. I am both excited and fearing Retrouvaille. I am simultaneously grateful he is back, and despairing at the lack of love between us. I am trying to be very positive, as being negative and critical drove a wedge between us in the past.

I have become very good at acting As If, to the point where I am actually dreading when I have to expose my pain. When will I know it is OK for me to expose myself? He has slaughtered my heart. It is way easier for me to act As If, rather than verbalize the pain. I don't want to be rejected. So, it is all bottled up.

Our three year old seems to be catching on to the fact that Daddy is back with the family and she is saying lots of things about him being the best and only daddy.

When he contacts the OW, I wish he would consider our three year old's words. If he doesn't care about how his stupid relationship with her eats me alive, then he should think about how his actions could cause massive damage to our daughter's life.

Grrrr. Just thinking about it makes me want to smash stuff.

When my best friend was here visiting we didn't take time to make new memories near the 'dreaded neighborhood'. We threw around a lot of ideas. One was for me to dress up like OW in a mocking way and go take pictures in her neck of the woods. This was partly hilarious, partly pathetic. Anyway, my friend has a new proposal that she is sending me in the mail---don't know what it will be, but I told her I will do whatever she asks and I will document with photos.

Sorry this is so long. I can't believe how wildly my emotions are swinging right now. In one day I am giddy, despairing, turned on, disgusted, hopeful, planning to leave, haunted by memories, anticipating a new marriage...

Once again, I feel like Gollum following around Frodo. I even feel like I look like Gollum.

When is the cruise?
The Girl

[Sara]

In 2 weeks, when you go to Retrouvaille. In the meantime, keep up the no criticizing. That is the most important thing. Just keep getting along. It WILL work out at Retrouvaille. You have nothing to fear there.

This is the hardest time. You both will have a fear of Retrouvaille building inside of you. Don't let it shake your resolve. The most important thing is to just walk through their door. After that it will be easy. Retrouvaille will bring his focus onto you and the family. He will see that he needs to let her go. He'll make the decision himself. Just keep acting happy and nice, enjoy the family together. It will be really together soon.

[the girl]

Hi all,
Whew! I am catching my breath. My housework has doubled now that I have a man in the home! Lots of cooking and cleaning.
We had a nasty financial crisis the other day and it seemed so insignifigant to me. I clearly showed I was not worried. I wasn't. It is just so novel that we are together, facing life as a family, that the other stuff fades out. God was faithful to us in the end, as usual. The whole situation was a clear reminder that my H and I work extremely well together under stress. We are very good with change and we both adapt very easily. We're great together! I wish that would make him crazy for me.

He keeps saying that he needs time and that I can't push things or expect them to go according to my plan. I said "OK, but do you realize you get your way 90% of the time? I have learned that forcing you to do what I want results in you feeling obligated, so why would I want that?" He just listened.

Over the past year I have encountered him accusing me of trying to control the situation. Usually that occurred when I demanded that he stop contacting OW. But I realize that he perceives me that way a lot. I can tell you all, I am not controlling. I give him VAST amounts of freedom. It seems that he has a very difficult time accepting that I have needs/wants as much as he does. It is like I am threatening him. Any insight, anyone?

Things are going very well. We are joking a lot and having lots of fun with our kids. Hooray!

the girl

[Jredstang]

I am happy to hear that you are in a good place. God is faithful to the end. I have seen him work in ways to improve my H MLC and although the process is slow ( Love is PATIENT) I would rather have it this way than to have it the way it was when the BOMB dropped.

[Sara]

Your are doing great TG. Just keep on keeping the peace. That ability to change is a very good trait. You guys will work it out. It just takes time.

[runningoutoftime]

Maybe all women (and men!!!) are controlling to a certain amount. Probably everyone here has a spouse who might accuse them of being controlling. And one thing I've always maintained... do you think OP is NOT controlling? Do you think they are not trying to manipulate and control a situation to be more positive for themselves?

I think there's a chance the whole control thing helps your H validate where he is. He has to hold onto some reasons why the marriage may not be for him and that's why having the affair was okay. My husband used to complain about me trying to control him as well. I think oftentimes the whole control thing is an excuse. In a marriage I think there's a certain amount we do need to expect from our spouses (like home before midnight -or at least a phone call explaining why one might be late- when out with buddies seems more than reasonable to me for a married man!). Of course couples will have different expectations. I think when they finally get fully out of the fog and really want to be in the marriage, they WANT to do things that help you feel more secure. Oddly, I'd complain for years about my husband's late nights out with the guys. Knowing full well they were at bars and probably flirting with women. I didn't like it, but finally learned to bite my tongue and not complain about it because I didn't want to be "controlling." I myself didn't go out and stay out late with friends. But now, weirdly, even though I still don't complain (and even encourage him to go out!) my husband actually will go out of his way to call or get home at a more reasonable time.

By the way, regarding "Not 'Just Friends,'" I think the nice thing about this book is it helps you understand the dynamics of an affair. The advice may not be applicable, but the information of how and why they occur, how easily they can happen, how they are a problem of boundries and how even good marriages can have them, and how difficult it can sometimes be to end them, was kind of enlightening to me.

[the girl]

Hey everyone!
It has been a long time since I have posted, and I have a lot to share. But I think I will start a new thread in Piecing. It will be called: Horrible, hopeful vulnerability. It will have the story of my Retrouvaille weekend.
The Girl