I LOVE living alone

[forever21]

Hi all.

See my thread locked and decided to make a move. Feel like this is the place for me.

here's the last page of my last thread..... my last thread

So, I am feeling GREAT again. That wasn't so bad. I feel very detached. YAY!!!

Met with H for breakfast today. First time I'd seen him since April. Last time I met with him and he was acting human was at the end of March... and that meeting was the first time I had seen him since he left at the end of October last year. So, it's been 10 months I have been living alone. Well, with my doggies.

I had borrowed his truck for the afternoon today, so when I returned it and he was driving me home he asked if he could come in and say hi to the dogs. He had got to see them this morning when he picked me up, but I still let him. hehee. It's actually nice to see that he didn't get all emotional about it. I always had the feeling that was strictly guilt, so I think that's a good thing.

Some highlights from tonight.....

I told him that this afternoon I'd recalled telling him in a phone convo we'd had (when he was struggling with forgiving himself... sometime in the last couple months), that I personally didn't think he'd be able to forgive himself until he stopped being a jerk... and how I believe now that he will find the peace and healing he is wanting (he'd talked about this this a.m.) soon, but it just hasn't been that long since he stopped living his life the way he was.

Also told him that I am eager (though I wasn't impatient about this... just cool and confident, felt very at peace... was very light... so much so that it made me feel pretty great afterward, ) to move forward, and that I would like to come up with solutions that will be good for both him and myself. Told him I have really heard him in the past and again today when he talks about wanting to have some money to live on. He was quick to say "I'm fine, really, I'm okay, just need to be able to be frustrated with it sometimes." I responded that I get that and feel like I understand, but that it's also for me... that I have not been so good at looking out for what is good for me and that I am tired of being in this limbo. He then said "we'll talk", with a smile. lol. I just smiled (knowing this is so typical, him trying to put this off) and said okay, 'cause I'm really ready to move forward. I told him I thought about some of the things he said today and think I understand but that they just didn't feel right for me... that I am really excited to move forward with my life. There could be no mistaking that I really am, with my attitude and mood.

[Trip]

Right on, girl! Looks like a good couple of talks with H. You sound so good and happy. Yay!

And...Welcome to the neighbourhood!

[mkultra]

You have a great attitude and it is true that is the way to be in a good mood. remember that feeling. Connect it with some mantra.

[NikB]

Wow f21, you sound so good and so incredibly strong. Sounds like things went very well in your talks with H, glad to hear it!

[forever21]

Thanks HS, Trip, mkultra, and Nikki!

mkultra... GREAT idea. I have chosen the mantra...

Om Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha

I like this website's description...

Rough Translation: 'Om and salutations to that feminine energy which bestows all manner of wealth, and for which Shrim is the seed' Pronounced "shreem"

This mantra has not only been used for the purpose of attracting prosperity, but also for drawing in proper friends, clearing up family misunderstandings and quarrels, and smoothing some health problems. As we all know, there are many different kinds of wealth. As you use this mantra, focus on the kind of wealth you wish to manifest in your life.

I guess our talk yesterday wasn't so bad. I think I got out most of my frustrations with what didn't go so well. I believe they had much to do with me going back to a few old habits/behaviors while I was around H. I was quick to forgive myself, as I did my best and that wasn't so bad. I also recognize that it was an improvement, so I can feel good about that. There were definitely plenty of positives, which I am choosing to focus on.

My C gave me some homework to do. He suggested I write a letter to my Dad, my Mom, and THEN my H... not to give to them, just for myself. As the relationships I have with them are ALL related and I get that. About 2 1/2 weeks ago, I unloaded some of my feelings toward my Dad when I was visiting them for dinner and he was being a jerk to my Mom. I didn't know if I should be feeling bad and/or was wrong for blaming my Dad some for me being in the position I am. My C was very pleased with me for doing what I did and not apologizing for my actions (very unlike me, and very unlike me to not worry about mending things).

I am still skeptical and wondering about my H's "idea" for us... staying M, but planning a longer separation (buying his own home, etc.). I told him last night that I am sure he is well-intentioned but that I thought about his plan and it just doesn't fit for me. Doesn't make sense to me. He said it was only an idea. Then he said "if anything changes I'll let you know". Well, although this might've only been his attempt at being in control, this statement brought me back to March when I promised him I would let him know if I decided I couldn't wait any longer and wanted to D. So, I told him "I respect that and have stayed true to my word as well... and that is why I have been trying to meet with you for awhile now. I didn't want to do anything without talking to you first." (and went on to talk about my eagerness to move forward in my life) Of course, he just said "we'll talk," and smiled.

He also brought up coming over to play bocce ball sometime. I feel like that leaves it up to me to invite him over, but I guess I'm fine with that... kind of nice having an excuse to initiate another get-together with him so we can keep the conversation going.

So much was said yesterday. Still processing I guess. Oh, Ian... you will love this one... H slapped my @$$ again, when we were walking out the door to go to breakfast. I laughed but turned to him and asked in a light tone "what makes you think you can slap my @$$ like that?"... he said something like "because that is just me and how I show affection." He had already given me a quick kiss on the lips when we hugged to greet each other.

Anywhooo, enough for now. Thanks for reading. It's a beautiful day here today, the sun finally started shining again yesterday afternoon. Yippee!! Have a great Thursday friends.

[SallyM]

ditto to what mrhighspeed says. you are amazing.

[forever21]

Thanks, morgan and HS.

Looking forward to the weekend! Have an invite to a luau tomorrow, which sounds like fun. The sun is out! Will hopefully meet my Mom for coffee later today. Maybe go jog around the lake this evening.

Had a good convo with H this morning. He was apparently "REALLY busy", but ended up chatting for 20 minutes. He is going to come over for a game of bocce on Monday evening if the weather cooperates. I invited him to have some dinner with me beforehand and he was really excited about that. He said he hasn't had someone cook him a meal in a really long time, though he is always cooking for everyone. Told him it wouldn't be anything fancy. Also said he is off work most of next week and would LOVE to go surf together. He has been very enthusiastic when it comes to this stuff.... so maybe he learned from last time. (Back in May he was casually suggesting we go surfing together sometime, but sounded depressed.... I had told him he didn't seem enthusiastic and reminded him I wanted to be wooed.)

It is probably not a coincidence that he seems to be coming around a bit just when I am feeling so strong again, and more and more ready to D him... even now, with these "positives" from him. I am feeling a great deal more peace with D lately, that it surprises me regularly.

Hope you all have a super nice weekend.

[inspiredjulie]

Hi sweetie...

You're just doing so bleeping great. So happy for you/proud of that!

It is probably not a coincidence that he seems to be coming around a bit just when I am feeling so strong again, and more and more ready to D him

Just what I was thinking. And I've been expecting this. So just be... stay strong... live in the moment... focus on you and your needs and what YOU deserve. It will all work out. You're great, f21!

[SallyM]

I agree, stay strong.

I found h and I had a definite pattern...I pursued him, he ran as fast as he could the other way, then I finally stopped, started gal, concentrating on me, and he started heading my way. I kept going, he kept heading my way...until I turned around and said okay. then he started running and the whole thing repeated itself.

we've broken that pattern for the most part. granted, not in a good way...there is just nothing anymore, he is long gone, so far gone I can't even see him on the horizon anymore.

I guess what I am trying to say is don't let your strength slip when he starts to get too close. keep it up. you are doing so well.

have a good weekend!

[forever21]

Thanks ladies. Yeah, I've been expecting this too. I keep preparing myself for how I will tell him that I think D is a good idea at this point, though I know I need to wait for now. I don't know how that is gonna go down. I just want to be friends and work it out together best we can.