Another dip in the road........

[bambam1970]

I've spent some time away from my thread to catch my breath. I am having a tough week. Today H picked kids up after school and took them to his house for dinner etc. I cried. For an hour, I cried.

I cried because I hate my H for doing this to our family.

I cried because I'm coming to terms with some real issues in my marriage.

I cried because my son said "I don't know who to spend the night with on my birthday."

I cried b/c H is an ass and makes my babies feel guilty if they don't call him or want to spend the night.

I cried b/c the dreams I once had about my future and my family are now gone.

I cried b/c I didn't want my kids to be from a divorced home.

I cried b/c I don't want to be a single mom.

I cried b/c I just felt pretty damn sorry for myself!

Than..................

I picked myself up off the floor and brushed off. Visited my new house and found the drywallers had almost finished

Went to dinner w/my sister

Got my babies back home

I am thankful that I have many more good days than bad days anymore!

I'm ready for tomorrow.

[Jeanette1120]

OH GOD BAM!

this sucks sweetie.....it's so hard trying to be the big girl all the time. I have so much empathy towards the LBS with children. My deepest respect goes out to you.

I have missed you. But I know that it's ok to be alone. It really helps to differentiate whats important in your life. Just remember, whenever you feel alone, your not. God is with you and so are we.

{{{BAM}}}

The comning of terms with the issues.....is hard, but wonderful all in the same phrase. It makes us better human beings in the here-after. Once again, we are a work in progress......Rome was not built in a day, and neither shall we.

Always be ready for tomorrow, because you do not know what it brings. I hope, for you and your babies, it brings you happiness and peace into your life.

{{{HUGS}}}

Jeanette

[inmyplace]

bam,

While the particulars might not be the same, I know exactly how you feel. Sounds like you are human afterall!

Have a great tomorrow.

IMP

[w8ing]

Bam - Your post is inspiring to me. I am an expert at the first part...right up to and including the "I cried b/c I just felt pretty damn sorry for myself!" part.

I have yet to be able to accomplish the second part - congratulations to you! You should be proud of yourself for picking yourself up.

Thanks!

w8ing

[Cinderellaman]

Dear Bam !!!


I hate all the EXACT SAME THINGS !!!!


And yes I have those days/moments too !

But as you know, they go away, life gets on going, and we manage and survive !

What does not kill us makes us stronger ! We did not choose this but we can make it the very best life possible !

I'm sorry your H is being so childish - sometimes it's the only way they can cope with what's going on...

I missed you, but you're in good hands, I know that !!

I hope you wake to a better and brighter day !!!! Lots and lots of love, Cinders xxxx

[bambam1970]

Sounds like you are human afterall!

IMP, Shhhhhhhhhhh....don't blow my cover

this sucks sweetie.....it's so hard trying to be the big girl all the time.

I tried kicking and screaming and having a hissy. But when it was over, I was still in the same spot but just damn tired

No more fits for me..............today

Cinders -

I hear you sweetie! We will get through this and be even better on the other side. Just wish the operator would "up the speed" of my coaster ride

W - Sorry to hear your struggle. Believe me, I know. You will get there. I'm gonna visit your thread and see what's up.

Thanks guys. Couldn't sleep. It's 4:30 AM. WTF???? Oh well......tomorrow came sooner than I thought!

[Lissie]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. (sigh)

It will get better? It better get better, b/c If not I'm doing some serious asskicking.

I am sorry that we married assclowns.

But thru their assclownish behavior, we are becoming some pretty damn great women.

And don't you ever forget it

[bambam1970]

IT WILL GET BETTER!

If we repeat it and tap our heals together 3 times, will we be wizzed out of Oz????????????

And if asskicking is necessary, let me know!

I have some great blingage to wear for that!

Thanks Lissie. I really mean that

[bambam1970]

Hey everyone!

Been a few days. I'm very busy right now w/school, work, new house and kids!

Boys birthday was Sunday. We had a b-day party for them Friday night - boy/girl. Sighhh

H came and helped grill etc. The kids wanted to play spin the bottle (they are 12!!) which I put a stop to. H told me I was a "party pooper". Give me a break.

He got nasty with a few of the rough boys at the party telling them if they didn't settle down he would "take their butts home". Real nice. Boys were humiliated. I pretty much ignored him unless I had to talk to him.

I took kids to small amusement park around us on Saturday. It was raining when we got up, but I decided we'd give it a shot. It turned out to be sunny and beautiful! H tried teasing me in the AM about the "beautiful day" we had.

On the boy's b-day, H came and picked them all up at 10:30 AM and took them to breakfast. He brought them home at 1:15 PM. Nice, huh?

I have this thing about punctuality....I'm not real good at it. But what I've realized lately is that mostly pertains to H. Maybe it's b/c it's the one thing I know he has absolutely no control over??? Anyway... He said he'd bring kids home at 1 that day. This gave me 2 1/2 hours to go to the store and get stuff for their family dinner that night which H was no part of mind you!

At 1, I called him to see where he was and he was about 15 minutes away. Here's our convo:

Me: Good. I have time to stop at another store.
H: What store?
Me: I have to get laundry detergent and....(he cut me off)
H: What store?!
Me: Walmart. But I have 15 minutes.
H: Your time or normal time?
Me: Normal time.
H: Whatever
Me: Bye

When I came out of store 10 minutes later, there was a missed call from him. I ignored it. A few minutes later (as I was stuck by a train!), he called again. I answered and he said "You're not here". I swear he drove 100 mph to get there in 12 minutes!

I said "Stuck by a train. I'll be there."

When I got home, I walked in and hung out in the kitchen putting stuff away. He came through and smirked saying "Nice Beth time. Real nice." I said, "Hey..I'm very busy." and walked out.

Yes...he was being an ass.

Than on Monday I came home after school b/c he didn't call and say if he'd be here to get kids off bus. He was here and MOWING!!!! He rarely mowed before he left and hasn't done it at all this summer. I thanked him.

In our county, we have to take a court ordered parenting class before a divorce will be granted. When I served H, he never opened the papers. After 1 1/2 weeks, he finally signed our agreement and returned for me to file. BUT, he never read the petition or the paper I put in telling all about his class. I signed up to take it last night and get it out of the way. I purposely didn't tell him that until last night b/c I didn't want him to suggest we go together. bleh!

So, after he got done mowing I told him I had that class and did he want the kids or my mom could keep them. He got pretty irritable asking what the class was about and ended up saying.."whatever!". I think he was irritated b/c I am no longer taking care of him and his needs. He now needs to figure things out for himself and he is flopping!

When I picked up the kids from him, he asked if I'd eaten and did I want to eat the ribs he made. I said "No thanks" and got the kids and left.

He is crazy. The more time that goes by, I see some realities that I pushed down so I could get through each day. He hasn't always been crazy, but he's always been self absorbed and needy. When I stopped givig that to him, he freaked. I didn't have enough to give when my dad died and he couldn't handle it. What I've admitted to myself that really hurts is this: when my dad died, I needed H more than I've ever needed him. I needed to be taken care of, just for a bit. He wasn't there. He walked away b/c it was too hard on him.

That hurts.

Anyway, I am moving on. It is hard, but I am more certain today that this is the path I need to be on.

Hope all is well with everyone. Enjoy your night

[inmyplace]

hi bam.

Yes, 12 is the age I was the first time I played spin the bottle.

And may I suggest another class...Abnormal Psychology!

How's everything else going, bam.

IMP