Simple is not the same as easy. If a couple is having intractable sexual issues (or seemingly intractable), the solution, or nonsolution is simple. Seemingly intractable assumes no medical problems, no hygiene issues, no weight problems, etc. The problem is that that one partner is ld and one is hd. The simple solution is that the ld partner starts giving it up much more than they are comfortable with. The ideal frequency is a compromise in the middle of what the hd and ld partner prefers: ie- hd wants is 20 times a month, ld wants it 2 times a month, do it 10 times a month. But here lies the rub: the ld partner has to either fake it, or make it. In other words, they have to do what it takes to enjoy themselves, or do a very good job faking that they enjoy themselves. Problem solved!
Short of that the problem will never be solved. It's divorce time, lump it and live with it time, or come to a mutual agreement about finding some on the side time. Game over.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I'm gonna try hard not to sound sarcastic...really hard!
Soooo, are you someone who is HD and living with a LD spouse? Are you just an expert who dropped in to tell us all how to cure our sexual incompatibilities?
Your non-solution sounds so simple and so logical..good lord, why didn't I think of that sooner??? Tonight at dinner I'm just gonna tell my husband that he needs to suck it up and start performing 15 times a month. (I'd like it every night, he wants it only once a month, so the compromise is 15, right?) Yup yup, that'll do the trick! Thank you for letting me in on the secret.
Now let's get real. All things being equal in a healthy, loving marriage, it STILL isn't logical to just demand that the LD spouse start giving it up according to the "compromise" schedule.
I can dadgum-guarantee-ya that it would lead to lousy sex at best and good old fashioned anger, frustration and damage to a formerly healthy marriage.
How's about we start with some honest communication first and work things out from there? Yes, I've acknowledged that, in my marriage at least, I will NEVER ML as often as I'd like to. I will never come even close to ML on a regular basis.
I still love my marriage, love my relationship with my husband and am willing to work on whatever issues are causing his lack of interest in sex....Snakes, I just plain don't believe that he really doesn't think about sex much, or that he isn't interested.
I'm willing to take the chance that with time and effort, we can find the spark that leads to more regular intercourse without either of us having to "suck it up" and "just do the deed". ICK!!!! I do NOT want a lover who does it just because it's wednesday and it's on the schedule.
SB
PS I've been on the other end of this thing as the LD spouse in my first marriage so yes, I know whereof I speak when I tell you that insisting that the LD spouse compromise and "just do it" will NOT lead to harmony in a marriage. I caved in and just did it...and then I divorced him.
Short of that the problem will never be solved. It's divorce time, lump it and live with it time, or come to a mutual agreement about finding some on the side time.
I have no desire to reconcile with my 2bx but from my HD-who-ended -it post-separation POV, I would say that what would have worked best would have been to incrementally move towards living my life as though I was heading towards divorce and/or getting some on the side because in order to make these changes I would have had to erect and enforce some boundaries that I did a lame job with when I was in "save the marriage" or "get some action from LD spouse" mode. I should note that the concept of just trying to "get a life" within your marriage that will reconcile you to the lack of sex is, IMO, not good enough. The analogy I will use is that right now you and your wife are like a couple sitting at a table at a party. You want to dance and your wife doesn't. What you need to do is everything necessary to bring yourself to the point that you will go out on to the dance floor by yourself or be ready to ask another woman to dance (I am not in any way suggesting adultery of any form). Don't kid yourself that you will be happier or sexier if you remain at the table and amuse yourself by folding the napkins into origami shapes.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
And you know that how? You cannot predict any outcome in anyone's relationship. You also fail to mention the requirement of the HD spouse to makes some changes of his/her own to encourage the LD spouse to compromise. You mention nothing about communication issues within a relationship that can contribute to one being the ld partner, you mention nothing about lifestyles, children, outside committments, work or anything else along those lines...that also contribute to someone being ld.
My ldh, did not have medical problems, did not have hygiene issues (or issues with my hygiene), did not have a problem with either of our weight (nor did I). But somehow, we managed to have some pretty friggin huge communication issues, and he had some pretty major past issues that were brought into our relationship...and gee, somehow we've managed to work past that. Somehow we are still married, and happier than ever (and yes our sex life is quite good now.)...neither of us are having to lump it and live with it, and gee...neither of us are getting it on the side either.
sop...you're a troll. OR...you are an HD spouse who isn't willing to take a good look at his/herself...and see the role you play in the issue at hand too.
