Am I better off?

[lester]

Here's a question I've got because it keeps coming up and I need to know the DB way of handling it. My wife keeps saying things like, "If we divorce you would be snapped up in two seconds". I know that she's trying to comfort me and feel better about the sitch herself. But it feels like a hot knife through butter on my heart. What do I say? If I say I would never divorce you (how I feel) then it wouldn't be very DB. I'm sure others have had this conversation with their WAS. My typical response is "I love you and don't want to think about others"

I know that there's probably a better thing to say I just don't know what it is. Ideas?

[LL44]

I am so not a professional advice giver :), but I think what you said was totally fine. You could say that you want *her* to snap you up, that you have always wanted that. You said what you feel, and that's always good.

[Ophelia]

The general rule is to not keep mentioning the word "love". Everytime you say it, it reminds her of how she doesn't want to say it, and just makes her feel more strongly about feeling that way. That's the theory, anyway.

I'd just say something along the lines of, "I have no interest in being snapped up by anyone," and leave it at that. In my sitch, I went all out, passionately declaring that I'd never be with anyone else ever again, which also meant I'd never have kids. It's what I feel, and what I believe, but expressing it to H only made me appear more desperate and unattractive.

[lester]

The thing of it is is that she still says she loves me. She says she loves him too just differently. I don't know how people DB, I'm just doing my best to keep sane.

I guess another question is if she feels like we haven't been close and I'm 180'ing and GAL won't she feel like it's status quo. I guess how do I become the "more attractive" alternative if you will if it seems like I'm checking out. The GALs work.. I mean she really notices it. Yesterday, I simply took a walk and she was like freaking out because I "never did that in the 9 years she's known me". I don't think that's true but regardless after such a GAL (previously I went to the movies) she becomes real affectionate and says she's sorry and so on. Then about 4 hrs later she shuts her self in her room and gets cold. God, this is so confusing. I just don't want her to think I've given up by GAL'ing but I also want DB to work. It seems at odds with itself. Does that make sense?

[Ohio_Mark]

Agree with everything Ophelia said. Do not say I love you under any circumstances. The void of silence that follows that statement does not help the DB cause.

I would say, "I have never given that concept much thought."

The reason she is saying it is pure justification. She needs to square in her mind that what she is doing is best for everybody. And we all know that it isn't. Even she knows it, and that is why she is saying that. And other things such as:
- The kids will be OK
- I have met my soul mate who meets all of my emotional needs
- I should have never married you
- You are incapable of meeting my needs
- ILYBNILWU

See the pattern? It's all justification. I know because I am married to the Queen of Justification (does that make me king? I hope not).

Mark

[Ohio_Mark]

One more thing she will say to justify (I have heard this):
- You don't love me.

[mkultra]

Just agree with her. Think, yes, I guess I will meet someone new. I would prefer to be with you but I can move on or just be alone.

[lester]

how do you guys do it for so long? It's been a month and a half and I feel myself going crazy.. it must get better?

[simonw]

it does get better my friend. After 9months of really knowing in my heart that my W was having a ea/pa... I finally nailed her on a whim, I did a drive by after my sons volunteered some information that she was recieving phone calls all through the night while they were on vacation with her and ILs last week. There she was 8 am, motor on car was cold,,, stayed over all night. Point is after 9 months of accusations, and intutions I was right.. I could never figure out her actions, every single person on this board could point to a ea/pa,, I had the EA nailed.. this am confirmed PA,....Same person.. Now I can move on.. case closed. no more fighting with myself about what I see/hear and feel vs the words of denial from her (+him). My friend said to me last week, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.. it a F...king duck.. dont let her tell you otherwise.

GAL/act as if and take care of you and your childern.. I dont want to jump the gun but there is no way she coming back without completly going through this on her own time schedule.

I can tell you without reservation, it does get better.. I actually feel relieved.. a weight of indecison has been lifted and I am truly free to pursue my life's goal without regard to her.

[Ophelia]

I guess another question is if she feels like we haven't been close and I'm 180'ing and GAL won't she feel like it's status quo. I guess how do I become the "more attractive" alternative if you will if it seems like I'm checking out.

I know, it seems to contradict everything you're trying to achieve if you act like you're over her. You don't want her to think that by you being OK and getting on with things that that means you've accepted what she's doing. I've felt the exact same way.

The number of times I'd practically beg my H not to leave, because he was my whole world! I thought that surely if I was making impassioned pleas like that, he'd see how much I loved him and how much I wanted to be with him and make our M work. It wasn't until long after he'd moved out that I realised that he didn't want to be my whole world, and if he was, then that didn't make me my own person in his eyes, so he didn't want to be with me when I was in that desperate state. Therefore, if I can show him that I can get by without him, it relieves the pressure on him and makes him more inclined to have positive contact with me.

Unfortunately, it's at the point now where H and I haven't actually seen or spoken to each other since Christmas Eve, but I did find that his emails were more frequent and friendly when I was coming across as being happy, including little jokes and winking smilies in my messages. I backslid not too long ago and rambled on about how I'd been depressed (I actually used that word), but didn't blame my emotional state on him at all. Still, I didn't actually get a reply to that email, and it wasn't until I sent another one on another topic, which he did reply to, where he basically said he hoped I was feeling better.

I know it sucks to have to act like you don't want to throw your arms around your W and never let her go whenever you see her, but if you want any hope of her seeing you in a more attractive light, then you've gotta try to back off a bit and "Act As If" you're doing alright without her.