Corri Lou: You are retired, correct? I work PT. I could have retired 3 years ago but must have a work addiction. How long have you and BB been in the house where you currently live? I physically did about 20% of the work on this house when it was built in 1974. I drew the plans/blueprints from measuring several houses that were under construction, that BB and I visited.
This house design is about #5 in a series of modifications and what if this room was…………., what would that be like to live in? I also had a material list, and cost list.
I didn’t have all the skills to build the whole house. I worked for a home builder for a while and we framed, sided, and roofed the houses. When the house was finished, I did some landscaping work on contract with the same home builder.
I was a plumber’s helper for a little while but plumbing and electrical work has to be done by “certified contractors.” The help (me) doesn’t have to be certified. I had a “Master auto Mechanic certification” at the time but, sorry wrong field to get your own plumbing and electrical work past the building inspectors.
Were you living there when you retired? We lived here since 9/1974. A big difference from my childhood, moving 28 times from 2nd to 10th. Grade. Was BB a homemaker when you retired? Long version: When we got M, BB worked for a year. We lived in PA.
BB had a relative in MT and I got a job with what now is called Conoco-Philips, in the retail automotive products and service division they had at the time.
BB’s folks just retired and said we could live in their house while they went south. They didn’t know if they were going to like AZ. and didn’t want to sell their house, so we moved in and all I had to do was pay the taxes, utilities and do the maintenance.
Because our expenses were low and BB didn’t want to do nursing work anymore, she decided to not to work.
Being a young couple that liked sex and a house to our selves, BB and I decided to start the family.
We lived in the IL’s house for 2 years. They were there 3-4 months in the summertime. BB was a SAHM.
When the IL’s decided they liked AZ, they sold the house; we bought our first house not too far from where we live now. We humped, and humped out kid #2 there. BB was still a SAHM.
More houses built around our house made me feel cramped. Small lots in the city are common. I decided I didn’t want to be 10 ft and 30ft on another side, that close to even a good neighbor. I bought this one-acre property, and did all I could to have a house I wanted. BB was still a SAHM till the youngest was in 6~ grade. She worked 10 hrs a week during the noon hour. That went on till 1986.
86’ I had my second back injury, was laid off, put on worker’s comp, the whole family was eligible for some type of grant. I went to college, BB worked PT at K-Mart for a little while, then went to LPN nursing school the second time. Kid #1 was eligible for educational grants and went to college with me for a while. We even had a class together.
BB finished her LPN nursing program and went to work full time for a while, then worked a .6/.8 which is 3 to 4 days a week for 10 years, then 2-3 days a week for 5 years.
In the beginning of BB’s 2nd. Work career, Kid #2 was in HS, Kis#1 in college, boyfriend induced drop=out, then she went into the nursing program BB had been through.
Corri, BB retired early a couple of years ago, I work part-time and it takes all day to do my work, post, read, throw some things away, take things to the donation store, and visit a few friends.
Lesson 1. When you have decided to take back control of your own purpose and life, you need to seriously begin to think about what that is going to feel like. 1. My purpose is to do more tings I like w/o taking away from someone else.
When you take charge of the wheel again... odds are she isn't going to like it too much. 2. What ever BB says that is not factual, out of sync with most of our reality, I need to have a “thick skin” and do some Byron Katie work.
Really understand how it feels inside of you... so that if you move out of this state... you will know. 3. I know how it feels when things are going right for both of us. I don’t know how to act/feel/change my feelings when there is a lot of conflict. This area needs to be developed/explored more. I want to feel like I have done something right/good for both of us in the long run. I know wanting to feel I am doing the right things conflicts with someone’s feelings of self-centeredness. Determining what is self-centeredness in the OP and what is being respectful so a R continues to thrive, and avoiding my own self-centeredness is a balancing act.
Lesson 2. Now that you HAVE decided to take this road... what is your new purpose and direction? 1. I want to decrease my feelings of frustration and increase my feelings that I will have relationships with a more optimistic outlook. I want to get away from seeing the R’s in my life as half full, might be better but there are these special circumstances if not considered, the R will be worse.
2. I want to see my day-to-day life look forward to the better things and not what needs fixing.
What makes you happy? And I want an answer that is all about YOU... it doesn't include your husband, your kids, your house, your friends 1. I want to sleep till about 7/7:30 and not have to consider what pets are on what medications, cook breakfast w/o worrying about another person’s pickiness. 2. If I want to go some place, I want to go w/o making it a big deal. Plan a month or a week, lock the doors and go for a few days. 3. I want to work part time for just a few customers that have standard equipment, that I know how to repair and have parts in stock. Right now I have too many customers, mostly with different machines and have a difficult time stocking parts and learning new machines when it comes to repairs. This one is going to be tough to do.
4. An alternative is to work for a larger firm where I do one brand of machine repairs or the larger company has a new machine training-program.
5. Another choice is to retire almost 100%. I have the money to retire 100% but I don’t feel right not working. I often tell myself working is not a requirement, so why do I work?
Part of the work puzzle is I got to where I am by working for myself or on commission. I never worked for a company that had a retirement model that people talked about and drew on once certain conditions were met, you took the next step, and did something different.
I see a night and day difference between some employees paid by the hour and some business owners. I have been on several sides (hourly, commission, and self employed) of the income train. Believe me there is a big difference sometimes.
Inertia also keeps me working because to do other wise during my difficult times, would mean I wasn’t going to get anywhere. I did see other guys lose things when I wasn’t working, and I was going to college.
One psychologist said some people that went through the depression that started in 1929, don’t know how to lessen up and enjoy what they built up over the years. Then, there are people that win/inherit several million dollars and continue to work. Maybe I am not so odd.
Getting big bucks and being broke in a short time, to me is odd, but people do it.
Now that I am here financially, I still do what was in the past necessary to survive. Working is a form of security blanket. Maybe I need a forced “Calgon take me away” moment. One vacation in 20 years says something too?
Back to "don't including anyone else" in my plans, If I was single I would go several places. I don’t need anyone to go with me, never did. I go to lunch by myself to avoid BB’s list of conditions.
Thanks for that response. I have lots of thoughts for you... but the one thing you can do right now... is take every reference or thought of a reference 'to someone else' out of what makes YOU happy. Again, it isn't about anyone but YOU, so no one else, in any shape of reference or implication, can be included in your happy statements. Don't worry about what might make you happy might make someone else unhappy, or happy or.. whatever....
QOE100, a long time ago, I you almost asked the same thing. Then I said I would like to go with a female (the old BB preferably but I don't think that would happen) so I invented a GF (not you) to go with me in a small motor home. You said you liked more exciting things at the time.
For this exercise, I have to eliminate other people and stick to just me.
I hope your new situation is good. Last time I looked at your thread, the new guy and you were doing well.
I did have more things in mind but some of the things sounded self-centered if done for a long time.
Just me???? No holds barred?????? Here goes.
I would work PT. I really don’t have to work at all so I have to give the PT work more thought.
I like my house but would consider something smaller so when I went some place I wouldn't feel like I had a huge investment in a place no one was living in.
I would check out some women who are interested in dating. Is that allowed in this exercise? I really want to experience how in or out of sync I am with women.
I would restore my 1930 2-door Ford sedan. I have a bunch of parts (not a whole car) I have been collecting since 1976, but haven't done any actual work on the parts in storage.
Go to Yellowstone park for a week, it is less than 100 miles away and the last time I was there was in 1973?
See my 81 yr old sister in Florida and try to incorporate visiting at least a couple posters on the SSM forum.
I might enroll in a tax preparation class. I called last week and classes start Sept ~4th.?
I would enroll in a couple investment classes if they were offered locally. The college in town might have something. Investment houses have come-on seminars. I am going to one nest week.
I did join the local NAIC (Better Investing ) stock club but only one guy is what I call sharp. The rest of us are learners. Everyone is retired or only working PT.
I am meeting a group of people in a NAIC club that are more upscale business/professional like.
I have an interest in buying a fixer-upper house. Nothing very old. Something 20/30 years old that was neglected but not water damaged. I looked at one house last week but haven't done anything but look. (BB would have a melt-down.)
I might do some work for Habitat for Humanity.
I would visit some place/thing to do with astronomy, geology, forestry, wind farm, coal mining, water sheds/marsh areas, Ice age sculpted land forms (Stubborn Dyke and LFL's finger Lakes NY area), do alittle snorkeling?
Lou, I don't see anything wrong with most of the things you posted. So what's stopping you from doing them? Even the traveling is not so outrageous that BB should be upset. And, if she is.......oh well, do it anyway. It seems like your entire life is on "hold" because of her. Why do you allow her or your guilt to keep you from "living?" What is the worse thing that could happen? I'm honestly asking, would she leave you if you were to pursue some of these things?
Lou, you're at a point in your life where you don't have to work, you continue to do so in spite of your dreams which could easily be accomplished if you weren't working FT. Is working a safety net that allows you the excuse to not pursue some of these interests?
Corri with one being the happiest you could imagine yourself. One being the happiest sounds like an Inverted scale so I want to start the scale at 0=shoot me, and have 10 the happiest, riding the Ceader Point Coaster with my lover and being in an endorphin rush.
Superficial, day to day, what others see, 6-8.
What I feel when laying in bed with BB a 4 sometimes, if things go well maybe a 7. Most of the time with the frustrating feelings I have because of other people around a 6.
When I leave other people out of the equation I can go to an 7-8 really fast. Being with someone that is in the grove with me, a 9-10 in short order.
It really doesn’t take a lot of things to perk me up. The people around me that have their “I have to be me” “accept me for who I am, as is” attitude/MO is OK to a point. Too much of it gets to me.
Lil If not now, when? I hear you. I have to get out of my own way sometimes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From the book, Two types of Nice Guys: ( me in italics) The "I'm so bad" Nice Guy is convinced everyone can see how bad he is. He can give concrete examples of bad behavior in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood that support his core belief about himself. He can tell of breaking windows (not me) and getting whippings( got pleanty of those ) as a little boy. He will reveal running afoul of the law and making his mother cry when he was a teenager(not me). He will tell tales of smoking, drinking, using drugs and carousing as an adult (not me). He is convinced his only hope for having any kind of happiness in life lies in trying his best to mask his inherent badness. He never really believes anyone will buy into his Nice Guy persona, but doesn't think he has any other choice (not me).
The second kind of Nice Guy is the "I'm so good" Nice Guy. This man handles his toxic shame by repressing his core belief about his worthlessness (I got worth wileness by working). He believes he is one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. ( not the nicest, but very decent). If he is conscious of any perceived flaws, they are seen as minor and easily correctable. As a child he was never a moment's problem. As a teen he did everything right (except school home work). As an adult, he follows all the rules to a "T"
This Nice Guy has tucked his core toxic shame into a handy, air-tight compartment deep in his unconscious mind. He masks his toxic shame with a belief that all the good things he does make him a good person ( yes, why not?).
Even though the two kinds of Nice Guys may differ in their conscious awareness of their toxic shame, both operate from the same life paradigm. All Nice Guys believe they are not OK ( some thing is missing ) just as they are, and therefore must hide their flaws ( try harder ) and become what they believe other people want them to be. ( do/things to be more like what I think people see me as and big time on doing things right, playing fair, doing what is respectable).
I make the distinction between the two kinds of Nice Guys to help both see their distortions. Neither is as bad or good as they believe themselves to be. They are both just wounded souls operating from a belief system based on the inaccurate perceptions of the events of their childhood.
I am the second type of NG.
QOE100/ Jill Is working a safety net that allows you the excuse to not pursue some of these interests? Working is/was a way to advance. Not working was a way to gradually lose what progress I made.
Not working for 3 years after my second major back injury was more stressful and difficult than going to collage, but I had to do both (not work and go to college) at the same time.
It boils down I have so much time and effort invested in work pursuits, switching gears feels like the opposite of what most of my adult life’s goals have been.
Lou, you need to get yourself an old airstream trailer, fix it up, and hit the road. (First stop: Yellowstone.) Its perfect for you. You might find this blog to be interesting: http://tour.airstreamlife.com/weblog (you might even find a picture of me there ;-) this is a friend of mine who sold their house and have been living full time in their airstream for the last couple of years. He's often written about the "ball and chain" that is a house, and more particularly, the "stuff" that goes with it. They live a much more frugal, yet fuller life this way. now, certainly, this isn't for everyone...and its a rather "extreme" end of the spectrum, but it illustrates that it can be done. I'm not suggesting that you go so far as to sell your house and all your stuff and move into one of these things; that would be just too much for BB, I'm sure. BUT, I bet you could work a compromise. My friends need to earn a living and are raising a young D...you are "able" to quit working altogether. why not take some extended trips? I say "fix up an older one" only because you've expressed a frugal nature, and you're a fix-it guy. I'm sure you'd get a lot of satisfaction out of such a project. But, heck, for all I know, you've got the wearwithall to just buy a new one...whatever. The main point is to take the time for yourself to do and see some of the stuff you've always wanted to, and this is a great way to do it.
fwiw, if you're in MT, and within 100 miles of yellowstone, you must not be far from Bozeman. The airstream club is having its annual national convention there next summer. If nothing else, its neat to see 1000+ shiny campers all together in one place. http://www.wbcci.org
