For those unfamiliar with my sitch, my H moved out last Oct, then told me (ever so casually in an email) at the end of Jan that he'd started seeing someone new, (which he didn't consider to an A of course, because we were no longer living under the same roof when he started seeing her, which I suspect was roughly 1 month after he'd moved out).
Long story short, over the last couple of days, I've finally managed to put all the pieces together and figure out exactly who OW is. She's got a 3 year old kid. She and her H split up when the child was 3 months old. She's the daughter of one of my MIL's friends. H obviously went to her for support right around the time he left me, because she'd been through the same thing. Several months later, he's referring to her son as his stepson on his myspace page.
Anyway, now that I know who she is, I also know how to contact her, and ever since I found this info out, I've spent just about every waking moment resisting the urge to contact her. I've toyed with what I'd say. I'd definitely start with, "You don't know me, but you're dating my H." I'd then ask her to explain to me how her own M ended. Who left who. How hard it was, and how anyone can be so selfish as to rob their newborn child of his family. I'd finish up by telling her how disgusted I am that she poisoned what was left of my M by encouraging H when he dropped me cold.
Now, I know that would be a stupid thing to do, so I haven't done it, but I just can't get the thought out of my head. I just really feel like I need her to know my side. I need her to know that I'm not doing fine and that I'm not "over him" or "moved on". I want her to feel even a little bit bad or guilty for sleeping with my H. I feel like I need to be heard, and I can't let go of that feeling.
How do the rest of you deal with it when you feel the urge to contact the OP? It's driving me crazy and really getting me down, (not to mention incredibly angry) and I don't know how to let it go!!
Last edited by Ophelia; 08/17/0704:18 PM.
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
I know the feeling all to well. The one thing that stops me from doing it, is knowing that just like nothing I can say or do makes a difference to my H, it wont make a difference to the OW either. They are in just as much of a fog as our H's are. It is just your way of trying to gain some sort of control over the sitch and I know all to well that struggle. That is my daily struggle. Just know, that nothing will come of it, and if it does not go the way you want, it will just add more hurt and disappointment, so better not to even worry about it.
Ultimately regardless of the OW, it is our H's who made the decision to be with the OW. No one can make us do anything, we make our own decisions, and even though my own H will not own up to that and wants to blame me, I am starting to figure that out. Just like I can not make him come home, the OW did not make him choose her, he ultimately did it, and he is a grown man and now has to live with his choice.
Just don't do it, no good will come of it, and it will not help you feel better, even though you think it will.
Just Don't do it. In all likely hood it's not all the OP's doing either. All three of you have had a part in what has happened. Reaching out to the OP is just going to validate spouses need to have the OP and not their own Spouse to meet their needs.
ME-39 W- 39 S-10 s-9 D-7 M-13yrs together almost 20. Bomb dropped 7/13/07 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1144666
Does going to the OM house knocking on his door and slapping him count as "making contact". I know it is not totaly his fault but It sure would feel good to me.
husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I was obsessed with OW. I did contact her. She didn't give Jack Sh*t about me or my kids. Contacting her just gives her some satisfaction. Don't let yourself think that she will feel bad about her involvement - she won't. You may feel good for a while but then you will in all likely hood feel really badly as though you have let yourself down.
I thought about OW as soon as I woke up in the morning. I spent my days having imaginary conversations with her in my head. I went to sleep at night dreaming about how I could plot her downfall - even death. I was pretty mad. I should have been putting all that energy into me and my kids.
I think at some point all nearly all of us have wanted to give the OP some sort of 'seeing to' but does it bring our spouses's back?
My 14yr old daughter phoned my H's OW and I think that did more than anything for us - it really shook the OW up!!
I know it's not much of a consolation but most of us have felt / do feel like you do about the OP. There was a thread a bit back about how to go about giving the OP some , (theoretical) WHOOPA$$.
Perhaps we should start that one up again. Can you remember where it is husband? Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
They answer is to have two good friends( big guys ) contact the OP...it took a little talking/persuading to stop them, even though we all might have felt good for a while and had a good story to tell ... ***** if you do this it only gives our spouses a rallying point away from their own guilt...I have to stop myself often and I am not that type of person...the sad part is that you will end up being the bad person, but I know it would fell good for the moment...at lest for a few moments... I want to say time is on our side, but I wish time could hurry up a bit...Thats all SorryDog
Me 47 W 42 D 20 S 18 D 13 S 11 Married 17 yrs Asked for D Mothers Day PA found out on 6/14/07 W filed D 7/3/07 D court date 9/10/07 W moved out 7/17/07
Trust me, I think you would end up feeling like complete sh*t if you did. You would end up feeling really stupid for allowing yourself to even stoop to her level. She isn't worth the time you are spending dwelling on her. You are giving her POWER over you and your thoughts, emotions & actions. She's not worth it.
Sometimes I would just tell myself if H wanted someone who would mess around w/ a married man like that, then he deserves her and so be it. I don't want him.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Funny.. I haven't even desired to contact ow until this week. I think she is a pathetic and disgusting person without a moral fiber in her fat body. However, after my child was exposed to her sleezy a$$ and she had the nerve to buy her a gift, I really wanted to tell her to stay the he!! away from my family. HOWEVER, I am too much of a lady (who talks like a truck-driver) to stoop to her level.
I talked to a wonderful lawyer last spring, who advised me NOT to talk to ow, no matter how much I wanted to. she told me, in a nutshell, it wasn't a good idea, and wouldn't make me feel what I thought it would.
long story short, I did call her a few times eventually. once was after I found out she and H were still having an affair. I was slightly hysterical, had just read a bunch of text messages (she was very horny, according to them, apparently it had been a whole week since she'd slept with my husband). I called her and left a vm (she won't pick up if I do call), telling her that I understand how horny she is, and that he was all hers.
the next two times I called were because I got completely wasted with my girlfriend. I'll admit it, I drunk dialed her. I went on about this and that, don't really remember much. the last time was because my friend wanted to hear her voice...wanted to know what a whore sounds like.
yeah, I know, I'm 40, not 14. I haven't called since april, don't even have the inclination to. the lawyer was right, btw, I didn't feel any better after making any of the calls.
if you need to, write a letter to her, then burn it. you can get out all you want to say, without it somehow coming back to bite you in the ass.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
