Just found out yesterday that my XH got a DUI over the weekend. I had thought he was starting to come out of this stage, but guess not! Silly me! I didn't help the situation at all--kind of added insult to injury when I left him a voicemail after he didn't answer his phone. He was supposed to come by and spend time with S15 but never showed up or called.
I was upset about that and his continual sightings with OW even though he has told me that they're "just friends" now. He said he wanted to move back home 3 weeks ago, but then kind of withdrew, so I lost it. In the voicemail I told him that the possibility of him moving back was not an option anymore. After seeing his car parked at her house on Sunday (she lives 2 blocks from my dad's house)--well, I just didn't have the patience anymore for fence-sitting. I had no idea he was in jail--he told me last night that was why his car was parked there. He was out with her son when he got pulled over and the car was brought there.
Now, since he was in jail and not with her, do I need to explain that I'm still open to the possibility of reconciling or just leave it alone. I thought he was making progress, taking baby steps, but maybe not. Has this happened to anyone else here? I wonder if this is "rock bottom". He didn't seem too upset when he told me about it, but more like he didn't want to have to deal with it. I also don't know if I should offer any help or not? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
There but the grace of God go I to never have received a DUI.
Baby steps. One of the problems is that we don't know what their steps mean. We know when we take baby steps, but I used to have people tell me my ex was taking baby steps. She was, but the were in the opposite directions. So who knows.
On the other hand, this is still relatively new, ie divorce, and you obviously don't want to rush back in like nothing happened or you are doomed to fail.
Now you asked about discussing discussing reconciliation. He brought it up, so I think it is fair game. But again, you need to have some real discussion. It can be something simple like "you brought up moving home and while that is not possible now, I am willing to look into working on a new relationship with you." Make sense?
My XH was picked up for DUI and spent a night in jail. It ended up being the day we split up. His behaviour had been crazy and nasty for the 2 prior months but I did not know about his affair or understand MLC - I just knew that something was going to happen. My dad and I both agreed - this was his rock bottom. But guess what? It didn't turn out that way. He convinced himself it was "no big deal", and that he had just made a stupid mistake. Of course OW was there every step of the way, letting him know that because I had left him in Jail overnight (cops had told me NOT to pick him up - he was way too angry) that I was not really there for him and she swooped in to soothe him and assure him that he she would always be there for him. Well, good luck - she can have him!
As for the "we're just friends" - that's what they all say. Until he has cut off all communication with her completely (and her other family members), why would you consider reconciliation? There is really no place in a marriage for a 3rd party. He needs to know that. Sounds like he needs some growing up to do and also some counselling and/or rehab.
Sorry this may sound blunt, but the truth is - this man has not dealt with his issues and until he does - he is not the man you'd want back in your house.
I do agree that that the communication has to be cut. I recognize in some situations, like at work, you may not be able to just get away from the person totally. But it is very difficult to be just friends with someone you used to schtup, especially under the circumstances.
As for his issues, a DUI usually carries mandatory counseling or AA or some such thing. Definitely he has to work a program of some sort.
I'm not familiar with your sitch so I don't know how long you have been going through this with your XH. I do know that my H got two DUIs (within one week of each other) back in the throes of his affair last year. I thought that he had hit bottom, but he didn't. When he got arrested for assaulting OW, I thought he had hit bottom (and that the affair was over). I was wrong on both counts -- he bounced right back into MLC and the affair actually picked up steam.
Since then, he has lost his job, been ordered into rehab, lost most of his money, is in debt up to his ears, and admits that he is the most miserable person on the face of the earth. But hit bottom? Nope.
I know that everytime I got my hopes up, they soon came crashing down. Nothing I ever said or did made much of a difference. Every situation is different, but my only advice is to stay busy and try to take your focus off XH. I personally wouldn't call him or offer him any help. It seems to me that he is in denial, and any "help" you might offer could backfire.
Two good points you made. Rock bottom. One never knows what bottom is for anyobne, but your caution is well-founded. Help. He needs to seek his own help. And that is why I said that if farmtown needs to approach the possibility of reconciliation...not not reconciliation, but a new marriage which is what it has to be, then she should say she is willing to look into it. Her H has a whole lot of work to do before then. And farmtown can take the time to be stronger. There are, however, no guarantees at all.
You made me laugh with your comment about baby steps. For all I know, my XH could be taking them in the wrong direction too.
I could bring up reconciling again since he already did, but at this point I'm not sure if that's what I want. I have said something along those lines about a new relationship when he brought up moving home three weeks ago, but then nothing happened. He called fewer times during the week and then the weekend he had off of work, he basically blew off our son and me. He's too busy going to bars and partying like he's 20 and if he was honest with himself and me--he doesn't want to change that right now.
So, I just think I need to back off for now. I'm thinking that if he really wants us to try and get back together, he would make the effort regardless of what I said when I left the voicemail. Does that make sense?
Don't apologize for being blunt--I love honesty, especially now when it seems it is in such short supply! I agree completely with you. I know better than to believe they're "just friends". There might not be anything physical right now, but there is a definite emotional connection and I just can't put up with that. I'm sure she's soothing him right now, which is fine. He didn't turn to me when he was in jail--so I'm sure she's thinking she is the special one. Whatever.
Every now and then I miss the security of my old life. This has been one hell of a year. My sister passed away in Sept. '06, found out about the affair Jan. '07, divorced March '07, and then my dad passed away in June '07. He was my last living parent. He was only 67. So much has happened in such a short period of time that at times I want something to be the way it was and I think the only thing I can maybe fix is my marriage. But, I have to accept that it's never going to be the way it was and I need to let him go completely. If I doubted it before, he definitely has some major issues to deal with and is still running from them.
Whatever happened with your XH? Do you have any contact with him? Thanks again for your reply--I really appreciate it.
Thanks Val for your reply. I've been there too as far as getting my hopes up only to be disappointed yet again. I've been thinking about this alot today and I think you're right. It's his problem and he needs to deal with it himself. I stopped calling him months ago, so that's not a problem. I'll go back to focusing on myself--where I was 3 weeks ago before he said he wanted to come back home, but then did nothing after that. I'm physically tired from trying to figure him out since it's pointless anyway!
