WAW wife needs a home

[GoodGuy]

I still wake up feeling a sense of loss, but that seems to be the worst part of my day usually. You will survive!

Wow did that ever sum up my sitch as well. I had a bad day yesterday, the first bad one in a while. I really missed my family yesterday, the whole package, a noisy house with kids running around, a hug from my wife, Sunday dinner, the works, I was humbled. I feel pretty crappy today too.
My W brought my S over to take the school bus from my house this morning, which I thought was nice of her, because this is the week my S is with her. I don't usually see him until Friday, but when he is with me, she picks him up from school so at least she can spend a few hours with him until I pick him up after work, I miss him terribly.
I'm going to sign off, because I feel really emotional right now.

[keepingittogethe]

You said:

One, go find a family-friendly counselor. You wouldn't think that would be hard but we had a guy completely screw us over in January - I'd say he set us back 6 months and definitely contributed to our separation. If we had been going to the guy I've been seeing 100% we wouldn't have separated, or if we had, we both would have agreed to it (wouldn't have happened).

May I ask how the counselor set you back? What things did he do or didn't do that damaged your relationship? Would you consider him a pro-marriage counselor? Thanks.

[Nugget]

I have been working on my M for almost a year now and I understand more and more every day.

Yesterday I helped my wife move out of her friend’s house. She is going to live with another friend now, until she can afford a place of her own. Sad thing about her new living arrangement is that she will be sharing a bed with her friend and I know she is not looking forward to that. I and my son are living with my mother, temporarily (for the love of God I hope so) and she is out of town until Sat. So, I asked my wife if she would like to stay with us until my mother comes back. I told her there are two empty beds and she can sleep in my mother’s bed with S (cloud like king size pillow top with clean sheets). She said that would be really good. So, she is staying with us for a few days.

I made us a nice meal last night, something neither one of us has had since we separated. Then we watched a movie together, I massaged her feet, we had an enjoyable evening. Instead of going to sleep in my mother bed, she slept with S and me in our bed. Her alarm did not go off and I had to wake her (45 minutes late). I got her a towel, turned on the shower for her, she was getting the iron out for her clothes and I told her "Here let me do it, you go shower." I made us coffee and her a light breakfast to take in the car. I asked her what shoes she wanted to wear and she said I don't know, black ones, so I laid out all her black ones on the table so she could pick a pair. She got ready and I handed her her coffee and breakfast as she ran out the door. She was very appreciative and thanked me several times during the morning.

Nothing I did this morning was any different then how I have been with her for about the past year (prior to a year ago is a different story). Except for one thing. I committed no love busters. After she left, I was thinking to myself, Self, you are a pretty good guy. Anyone would appreciate you. So, why is it that your W wants nothing to do with you? Why does she not want to work on things? Why does she want to be on her own? One reason, "LOVE BUSTERS"

I realized that in my relationship, acts of love busters (anger, pity, fear, guilt, pressure, sadness, etc.) have 100% times more effect on our spouses right now then any act of love or caring. I can secrete acts of love all week long and feel great about things and then slip up and commit one tiny act of love busting and it will totally wipe out my whole week’s worth of effort and maybe even more. I sat back and thought about the past couple of months and our interactions. I see 95% of it as good productive interactions, where you were both enjoying each other company. But, then I see the 5% of LBs that I have committed and I see the damage and the set back that they cause. My wife is in a vulnerable state emotionally with me right now. A lot of her acts show me that she wants to be with me and she does not want it to be over. But, my constant acts of LBers, no matter how small or insignificant I may think they are, they have a huge impact on her and remind her of the jerk I was before.

I have to commit 100% to acts of love and 0% to LBs, if I want a snowballs chance in h*ll.

[JR2007]

You said:

One, go find a family-friendly counselor. You wouldn't think that would be hard but we had a guy completely screw us over in January - I'd say he set us back 6 months and definitely contributed to our separation. If we had been going to the guy I've been seeing 100% we wouldn't have separated, or if we had, we both would have agreed to it (wouldn't have happened).

May I ask how the counselor set you back? What things did he do or didn't do that damaged your relationship? Would you consider him a pro-marriage counselor? Thanks.

He claimed to be pro-marriage but he was completely disinterested in us. He did not listen to what we needed, he was solely focused on pushing his agenda down our throats. My wife desperately wanted to talk to him about her feelings and really vent, and probably rip me a new hole and he wouldn't let her. So she sat there quiet, didn't participate, and didn't do the homework. I tried to take in what I could but we essentially paid $300 (3 sessions) for some copies of discourses by people we could read about on the internet for free. So, after 3 sessions when we weren't progressing at the pace we felt we should be, he cut us loose. Didn't recommend a replacement and never followed up or anything. The guy I've been seeing for the last 4 months lets me talk about whatever I want and fits that to the professional help he can provide, it is so comfortable. My wife had been with me a couple of times but just won't commit to going back. I keep hoping she'll go with me some more, it would really help. Hope that answers your question.

[Dom R]

Wow.

All i have to say is:
Nice going, Nugget

[Nugget]

Wow.

All i have to say is:
Nice going, Nugget

Thanks Dom. Seems like the more we think we know and understand ,the less we really know and understand. I guess when they say begin with a beginner's mind, they say that for a reason.

[JMC]

a hug from my wife, Sunday dinner, the works, I was humbled. I feel pretty crappy today too.

I can relate..also to the point about waking up lonely, and it has been 6+ months! I am getting on though. Good luck to you and everyone here.

[BryanS]

I have to commit 100% to acts of love and 0% to LBs, if I want a snowballs chance in h*ll.

Is that realistic? I mean, that seems synonymous with perfect and if there's one thing I don't think I or anyone on this board will ever be it's perfect. I admire your patientce and devotion and think that striving to be the best person you can be is good and honorable. I just think holding yourself to any kind of 100% standard is asking for the big let down when your humanity kicks in and you screw up.

[Nugget]

Is that realistic? I mean, that seems synonymous with perfect and if there's one thing I don't think I or anyone on this board will ever be it's perfect. I admire your patientce and devotion and think that striving to be the best person you can be is good and honorable. I just think holding yourself to any kind of 100% standard is asking for the big let down when your humanity kicks in and you screw up.

BryanS, The term is being used loosely.

[BryanS]

Thanks for clearing that up, Nugget. I was getting a little worried because I seem to be making mistakes all over the place despite my best efforts not to. I imagine it gets better with time but it's still pretty raw for me right now and every arrow she slings my way hurts like hell. I don't have enough self control yet to keep 100% of it in. Doing much better than a few weeks ago but still not perfect.