Saying picnic was direct, I knew exactly what he meant. He would ask to go on a picnic in the middle of a blizzard. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with (and now even enjoy) the directness. Scary part is I still don't know why it bothered me but at the time it was a real turn off.
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
Now... I do understand CeMar's example... however, for her to even have sex, without CeMar forcing himself on her, indicates some form of willingness.
So. I'm not so sure this is about validation or willingness or desire. Mrs. CeMar is just pissed off... and she isn't seeing CeMar as 'Prince Charming' anymore. She is mirroring back to him, what she sees and feels... and he doesn't like what she is showing him.
Maybe she isn't so much p*ssed off as much as just ignorant of the nature or relative importance of CeMar's desires due to his almost certain lack of adequate communication with her. Maybe she wants to be a "good" wife a la Dr. Laura but she simply doesn't understand, for obvious reasons, all the emotional importance CeMar is assigning to the act of giving a blow-job. We all have our blind spots and they're almost always exactly in alignment with our areas of relative weakness or our partner's areas of relative neediness. CeMar is stuck between a rock and a hard place with his validation needs. Even if he told his wife "It would really make me feel loved if you gave me blow-jobs." and she did it out of the goodness of her heart, eventually it would lose that vibe simply because it would be something easy for her to do and therefore less worthy as a sign of validation. However, if MrsCeMar were to make a gesture of emotional connection that CeMar could accept as such then whatever the gesture was would serve the purpose and sex would become less fraught with fusion issues due to lowered validation seeking. Sexual acts just lend themselves very readily to this type of bonding if both partners are open.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Maybe direct isn't the right word, maybe explicit would be a better term. I know the vibe that goes with those kinds of hints that I've made in the past and its kind of a hinting at things and not being direct and explicit with my desires although my wife knew exactly what I meant. I know that when I acted in those ways it was certainly a desire killer in her.
I think its matter of equal effort being made. To go with the tennis analogy. Sure the first couple times you call your friend to invite them to play, it doesn't matter, but when your the one who is ALWAYS calling and inviting, and the friend never calls to invite you to do things, you start to wonder if the friendship is rather one sided. Its the same with sex. When your the one always initiating sex and your S never does you start to doubt if your S wants you as he/she never makes a move toward you. Everyone wants to be "chased" a bit and feel desired.
And what about the situation that we've heard here more than once where the H says, "We had plenty of sex during the first years of our M (sure I always initiated, but I thought that's the way it was supposed to be), then one day my W spoke up and said she never enjoyed it and it was always for my benefit."
To go back to the tennis analogy. What if I call you every Saturday to play tennis, and you say okay, and we go. This goes on for a long time. You never call me to play, but whenever I call, you go. Then one day, I miss calling you, and you don't call me. Then next Saturday I don't call you a second time, and you don't call me. Am I not going to wonder if you really wanted to play at all? Or were you just going along with it 1) just for me or 2) as long as you had to make no effort.
i suppose in an ideal relationship, the friend would call a somewhat equal amount of time and ivite you to do things or atleast call during the week and say "hey we are still playing this weekend right" and seem interested. If the spouse initiated part of the time (i'm sure even 1/4 of the time) or atleast flirted and acted as though they were eager for time alone to have sex then there wouldn't be this feeling that the hd feels that they aren't desired.
i suppose in an ideal relationship, the friend would call a somewhat equal amount of time and ivite you to do things or atleast call during the week and say "hey we are still playing this weekend right" and seem interested.
Why?
What if you are the organized one and your friend appreciates that you are the stable one that takes the time to plan and organize your weekly tennis game? Maybe your friend is disorganized and/or flighty? What if she has things going on in her life like children, busy job, etc. and while she might not find the time to call and reassure you that she loves playing she really DOES look forward to playing tennis with you? That's why she says yes when you invite her.
What if she is slightly intimidated by you and if you don't call she feels like she would be a burden to call and bother you? Or maybe she thinks your life is so busy and doesn't want to bother you if it appears your life has gotten hectic?
To me if you really want to play tennis it should be enough that you want to play tennis, you ask your friend to play and she says yes and shows up to play.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
well if the friend gave other positives that kept me interested in the friendship then i might be able to over look the fact i'm always inviting. But if this friend never does anything but comes along for the ride, i'd probably loose interest in the friendship and if another "friend" came along and acted more interested in me, i might slowly spend less time with disinterested friend and more time with interested friend.
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What if she has things going on in her life like children, busy job, etc. and while she might not find the time to call and reassure you that she loves playing she really DOES look forward to playing tennis with you? That's why she says yes when you invite her.
I have all those things and i still try to take the time to invest time into my friendships. If my friend invites me to dinner, then i will make the effort to invite her to do something the following week, call just to say hi etc.
