Time to Bail?

[torn]

I think I know the answer most will have, but as I am on the verge of making this important, life-changing decision, I feel like I need some unbiased feedback.

My wife and I have been on and off again over the past 3 years due to 3 (that I know of) affairs that she has had.

We have 2 daughters (5 and 8) who mean the world to both of us.

We have tried counseling and everything else, but when I found out a couple of months ago that the last affair, that I found out about last August, was still going on (while we were in counseling and supposedely falling in love with each other all over again), I now feel like this is the last straw.

Even over the last 2 months as she has apologized profusely saying that she has cut off that relationship, and that she wants me back home, I find out that she is still talking to him.

Her excuse for all of these affairs has been lack of attention. I don't buy that now (I did at first...). My family and friends think I am crazy for not ending it yet, but the thought of my girls growing up in a broken home and envisioning their faces when we have to tell them kills me.

Any advice out there?

[RedHeadWife]

Are they all PA's or EA's or do you know for sure? Do you have any idea, other than the lack of attention thing, why she is having the A's?

Do you still love her? Do you feel you could ever honestly trust her again?

I think these are questions you need to ask yourself. Then you need to read Divorce Remedy and get down to work on YOU. You need to be happy with yourself and also think about what you could have done differently in your M.

What is she saying right now? I know she's still "talking" to latest OM, but is she saying that the A is still going on or is she saying anything about wanting to work on the M?

[torn]

PA's. Probably more EA's... She is a very adventurous and active person, could maybe be classified as a thrill seeker. to tell you the truth, lack of attention for a reason to me is ok the first time, but after counseling, and learning on how to deal with that, I don't buy it.

If you are unhappy, you raise your hand and say so. You do not cross the line again. I think most people can claim they do not get the attention they feel they deserve. I could claim that.

I am trying to not sound to "whoa is me", but this time has me a little bitter.

Do I love her? Not right now. Could I ever again? Not sure. That would go with learning to trust her again.

She says she has changed and finally learned her lesson. Says she has cut off all contact (as of last week), and that she wants another chance to prove herself to me and our family again.

All of these are the right things to say, but when is enough enough? I feel like I have been on a roller coaster over the past 3 years and time to get off. But, the kids... Man, that kills me...

[mkultra]

Does she even feel remorseful? Does she give you reassurance? Has she read DR? I know how you feel about the kids but sometimes we have to take care of ourselves to show them what respect looks like. I am caught in that problem too. Part of me is modeling unconditional love for someone I consider "sick" like an addict. The other part of me feels like a doormat or an albatross.

[BeingMe]

She sounds like a serial cheater, and I think that it's very difficult for them to break the cycle. I would suggest that you both go into individual counselling. She needs to work on her issues as to why she feels the need to cheat, and risk breaking her precious family. And, you need to work on YOU, to find a way to forgive her (more for your own sanity, then for her, and not to excuse her behaviour), and GAL for yourself, so that no matter what happens, you will be okay. If she can show that she can prove herself to you, then I would say give her a chance, but I don't know how she can do so after so many affairs. It's more than her giving her word, which is pretty worthless right now, it's her actions, her level of contriteness, and how transparent she is with her everyday activities.

In the end, it might be best for you to walk away, rather than teach your children that it's okay for daddy to be treated like this.

[torn]

She says she does, and she spent the first month or so, after I found out about the last one, crying and saying she was sorry. Problem is that I think this she is more sorry she got caught than she is for her actions.

And, I think, she is more upset that her life will potentially be turned upside down (have to get full time job, move out of our house, etc)than she is upset that she hurt me.

I very much relate to your last couple of sentences...

[torn]

Thanks for the reply BeingMe. I agree 100%. I did move back in the house a couple of days ago to observe this "change" she says she has undergone. I also decided it was ridiculous for me to have to move out after all of this. I basically live upstairs in a guest bedroom next to my daughters and in my office up there. Good to be back with my daughters everyday...

My plan right now is be here a couple of weeks to see if some of the changes that she made are real. I also plan on seeing our old MC to discuss where we are now. I respect her and am anxious to hear what she has to say (knowing all of our history)...

Again, thanks for the reply. Good to get some of this out and hear some "unbiased" feedback.

[mkultra]

I agree that she need counseling on her own. Yet they have to decide that for themselves. How do we encourage that? It seems best that you stay in the home to DB.

[torn]

That is the tricky thing. She needs it, but thinks she can fix this on her own. She says she knows what a counselor is going to say, and is sick of "getting beat up". Sad thing is, our MC that we saw together was never like that, but, nonetheless, she always felt like she was being attacked. Below is an email she recently sent to me (names blanked out to protect the innocent and the guilty :):

I have had a few days to really reflect on our situation...I was shocked, as you saw, when you said (OM) called...I had told him to stop contacting me and to focus on his relationship with his wife...After you conatcted her last week, I told him it was not worth the frustartion and problems caused by him calling me. As you see by my phone records, i am not the one initiating this...I volunteered the fact that he still called me and got another phone.
I told him last week, a couple days prior to his call here, to stop contacting me...causing more trouble for both of us. The call to the house was actually for you...I called him to ask why he called me, especially at home after I told him to stop...he said the call was not for me..it was for you but he decided to not be stupid and add fuel to his fire. He was pissed about you conatcing his wife and telling her what you have found out and the fact that I told him to stop. I think I have gotten my point across and will not talk to him anymore. I am in the process of bettering myself, forgiving myself and trying to be a better person...better person, better mom and better wife if given the opportunity.
I screwed up, made bad choices but have learned the hard way and will never put myself in that situation again. I think I had alot of insecurities and attention fulfilled those issues but I have grown up and am very secure with who I am and what I have done and how I am different. I have accepted a job at a school...actaully replacing a teacher (our daughter's pre-k
teacher) I will be surrounded by christian women and it will be a great starting place for me...from what i hear, the first years of teaching in a school district are brutal...7am-7pm just trying to figure it out. I plan on teaching and training on Mondays and Fridays and school tues, wed, and thurs...I have a deal to train at a gym if I allow a girl to take bootcamp for free...which she has done for the past 6weeks, I have 3 cleints that want to continue with me so it works out...Free bootcamp for this girl and free access to gym for training during lunch and weekends. I am not sure where you are concerning us...I had the feeling over the past few months that if you were checked out like you said,so why should I do what you want me to do and stop talking to OM...I am stepping down from that stubborn position and just going to focus on trying to be the person I want to be and moving forward. I can be just like mom...stubborn and going to prove a point but i am not going to do that anymore...I have nothing to hide and I am not going to go down that road again. I am 36 years old and the games are over. We need to decide what is going to happen because its going to be difficult for the kids without all the trip and training distractions going on. We both need a plan, whether its together or seperate. I hope it is together but I am not stupid and understand if its not. I spent the week cleaning out rooms/closets and many memories came up...made me sad that we are in the stuation we are in. We used to have so much fun. Lets talk when you get back....we ALL need a plan

[ediemarie]

Hi Torn -
welcome. Sorry you are here but I see you are getting much needed support.

Her email is believable and sounds sincere. It does appear that she is beginning to make changes. It sounds like her heart is in the right place. The only thing you can do is wait it out and judge her actions. And believe me, those actions will NOT come quickly enough. It is going to take time and probably months of observing behavior. But, she has offered an opportunity to talk and design a plan. Now is a good time for you to really lay out on the table exactly what you need to make this work for you in your M.

Hang in there. Keeping your family together is worth it!
EM