HBT - Where the h*ll have you been?!?!?!?! I needed you!!!!!
Seriously - I did think about you all week and hoped you were doing a little better than I was....and it sounds like you did.
Remember what we said a while ago - don't take the temperature of your marriage on a daily (or minute by minute) basis. This is a long ride - and it will be the most h*llish rollercoaster you have ever been on. Yes, he has shown some positive signs - but to hang all of your hope on those could be very discouraging to you down the road. Look at the big picture and balance the positives and the negatives. And remember that you and I are just at the beginning of this journey, adventure, road to h*ll or whatever you want to call it. We have a long way to go here and can't fool ourselves into thinking that our H's are special and will come out of this sooner than others here on the board.
Honey - you really need to take care of yourself so you can care for your kids!!!! Have you thought about seeing someone, a counselor or therapist? It may help for you to talk to someone and may also prevent you from talking about your R with your H. It may also help with your anxiety so you can be strong through all of this....
We all understand the broken feeling - but you are the only one that can fix you if you are broken... You need to GAL - that really will help. It is so bad when you are home alone and dwelling...... And it is so hard to pick yourself up when you do that. It will help you to take your mind off of things.
You can't control him - he will do what he will do. The only one you can control is you. Work on you. Focus on you.
The rejection is hard. Someone here wrote that they feel like they have been erased and I really understand that feeling - I felt this way all weekend. This is something that I continue to struggle with.
While I am glad that you are back, I'm sorry that you still need to come here. But we are happy to have you and will be here for you when you need us.
W8ing, I wish I could say I was, but no I had another blow yesterday and found it too difficult to do anything. My h has been staying with ss at his apt but now ss's gf is moving in with him this w/e. Well, that just throws another hugh decision h has to make of where to live! I was devastated and went to self medicating. Unfortunately I had TOO much to drink and h stopped by, saw me all teary eyed and looking bad, ugh! Then h comes back later in the evening and of course I couldn't keep my mouth shut! We had a BIG r talk and it really screwed with me cause of course he wanted to leave and I was sad and needy!
Yes, I am seeing how pathetic I am acting but it is SOOOO hard to keep my emotions in check, especially with this new predicament looming. H says he just doesn't know what hes going to do and he's definitely a LONG way to 'forgiving me' but he isn't saying its over yet either. This stuff is just so hard to hear, all the negative things I did to make him feel so distant and resentful of me. This HURTS so much! Can you die of heatbreak? I sometimes find myself wondering this...I do know I'm wasn't perfect and do take my part in all of our past problems, but it does take two right?? I didn't argue with myself. Well, then I told him he was running out on his committments to me and family, etc. and that he's breaking his promises to me and that is getting harder for me to take. H isn't being loud or hateful anymore, just matter of fact with that empty feeling, but I did see his eyes were red and sad. It scares me that he thinks its over but just going through the motions to distant himself gradually.
I talked to h today (he stopped by for a few mins) and I felt like I had to say something, so I told him to keep his eyes and heart open, that I believe in us and I intend to win him back. I have to db NOW if I even have a chance, I can see that. I do think he is smack in MLC and can't see through the fog. But, that doesn't help me right now. I've got to do the work but the chance of him moving further away into a more permanent place of his own scares the h*ll out of me, really! This is way too soon. I still think he's in there somewhere but has shoved his feelings so far down he can't reach them. This is SO sad...my h would have never acted this way before; I can't believe my eyes and ears! This new reality is too overwhelming.
Me: 44 H: 47 M: 15 yrs SS: 20 SD: 18 S: 15 D: 11 BOMB: H left 8/4/07
HBT...NO R talk...drives them away! Come here and vent. Yes its overwhelming. I know Ive been there..we all have...it hurts so bad. But GAL and be stfrom them so they can think and work thru their issues. Its about them not you
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
HBT - I know it is hard. But somehow you have to make the above R conversation with him your last one.
The hardest thing that you and I have to accept is that MLC takes time. And our H's are not special, speed racing MLCers....they will be in this fog for a long time. The sooner that you and I accept this, the "easier" it will be for us to move forward in our lives.
And I don't know how to say this, but please be careful with the self medicating...... It isn't helping you. Instead of self medicating, do something with your D, or do something around the house. Didn't you fix something on your own a while ago and feel pretty good about it? Do something like that again! I know it is hard - I am struggling with this myself. I am back at work (with him, lucky me..), back into the school and activity schedule and it is easier because I have to think of other things. You homeschool your D, right? Take some field trips and work on projects with her... Just think about what happened - do you want your H to come in and see you drunk or hungover, or do you want him to come in and see a self sufficient, making it without you, confident W? Ask yourself which would be more attractive for him to return home to?
One other thing that you may want to consider is don't always be available for him when he wants to talk. The DB coach told me that. Our H's know that we are waiting for them to talk to us, and when they do, we hang on every word. I remember the night H wanted to talk and I said I didn't want to that night and I turned and went to "sleep". The look on his face.... Well the next night we did talk - it was the night he told me he signed a lease on an apartment. I certainly couldn't stop the conversation from happening eventually, but he had to wrestle with it for another 24 hours, not me.
And I may be wrong here and I may be too blunt, but your H's living situation is not your concern. You and your D are in your home, which he elected to leave. I know you want him back, but in his fog he thinks he doesn't want to be back...not now. Let him go. Let him worry about his living situation. Detach here. He may move further away in a more permanent situation - you have no control over this. None. Zero. Let it go. It is scary - I have been there. But I survived, even though my posts at times seem like I am not surviving. H is now talking about buying a house...talk about permanent! But I have no control over this. I have to let it go.
If my H told me now that he wanted to come home for whatever reason, I would say no. And the main reason I would say no? This is simply messing with the kids and giving them hope where there may not be hope. After everything they have been through, I just couldn't do that to them.
HBT - you have to really DB now and not tell him you are doing it. You have to GAL as well. You need to shift your focus. It is all on him right now. Shift it to you and your D!!! His feelings are buried in there, but you can't reach them...only your H can. Focus on your feelings now and making yourself feel good about you!
Come here and vent - not to H. We will listen...we will understand. H can't and won't.
You're getting some really good advice here. It's all very new to you and I sooo remember those days. I've only been in this (post bomb anyways) 7 months. It does get easier I promise. In the last 7 months I've closed a business, gotten a job (not a good one yet) and been working on me. That's where the focus has to be. I'm not even going to tell you I haven't done some drinking behind all this. I didn't do it where he could see (esp. early on) b/c if I broke down....well you know what I mean. I walk alot (usually everyday) and do other forms of physical activity as I can. It helps me clear my head and be able to think.
My H hasn't moved yet. I'm sure my lack of a decent job has something to do with that, but I've been busting my a$$ to find a good one even if he does go at that point. I've got to tell you that having him in the house is hell on me.
Keep posting here. It's so much better than saying it to them, they don't hear it anyway.
Remember: It's not the size of the dog in the fight...it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Thanks guys, I do appreciate the honest fb and think I just needed to hear it out loud if that makes any sense. I'm not going to sit hear and say everything is fine now, but I do recognize yesterday for what it was. Maybe it had to happen like that for me to get a grip, I don't know. I do know logically what I should do and not do, but my emotions have been ruling the day. It's all just so surreal. Time...
Me: 44 H: 47 M: 15 yrs SS: 20 SD: 18 S: 15 D: 11 BOMB: H left 8/4/07
