vacation is over, I am leaving

[limbo]

Thanks Stew...to be honest, I think I have just reached a point of not really caring. I think the wall has come up and hard, and he is going to do what he is going to do, and there isn't much I can do about it.
The thing that upsets me is the kids, how are they going to deal with this and cope, my d is 15 so this is going to affect her more. I don't want her to have problem with men when she get older.
There is just so much to think about now, with the prospect of being on my own being more real then ever!

[limbo]

i did something tonight which is against dbing, but to be honest I don't think I care that much anymore.
H told me the other day that ow and her h were seperating in Oct, so I asked him was he really only here until she is free and then he is going to leave then, he said no, he is here to stay.
I then asked him why on Wed did he say that he couldn't stay here, because he didn't want to, and after going for a walk he then changed his mind, he said because he thought of the kids.
So i said it had nothing to do with me then, just the kids.
He said no, because of me to. that he does love me.

But you know what, I don't buy this, I think he is just biding his time and will go when she is free...so now i think I need to put some planning into place, and make sure that the kids and I are protected.
I also told him that I want to be happy, and I can do that with or with out him, and that I deserve to be with someone who is going to love me and if he can't do that he should leave.
I have just had enough, I am taking the control back of my life, this has been going on for almost a year now, living on this roller coaster and I am done, I just want a life that I have some say in, and that i am in control of. I refuse to be a door mat anymore!

[lookin4light]

if you think he is leaving in Oct, now is the perfect time to get a life and prepare for "d day". In the mean time hes got a few months to prove that he really wants to stay. Its a win win. If he really stays you have your marriage back and an opportunity to make things stronger. If your right and hes just waiting till october then you will have GAL and have started to get things in order for that day. It will be a fine line to walk, but possibly well worth it.

[limbo]

For all my bravdo, i am so terrified I can't think straight, how can one person have so much control, because for all the detach talk you can never really do it, they are the single most important person in your life, and if they choose to leave it not only majorly impacts your life and your kids!
My feelings are all over the map right now, sometimes I couldn't care less and others...well you know how it is.

I just don't know what I have done to drive him back to her, why does she have this hold over him. I know I am way better, and I am better for him.
I also feel so alone, because I can't tell anyone, because no one would understand, they would really loose all respect for me, and to be honest I am loosing it from my self, I never thought that I would become such a doormat and let him walk over me like he has.
I am back a work now, so makes it easier to write, as I don't want him to find this sight, its my place and I don't want to share it.
Also today he is supposed to send ow an email saying its over, but I am not holding my breath, he is supposed to blind copy me on it, but I am sure he will find a way to fake it!
What also hurts is that they take you for an idiot, he says she hasn't emailed him,(he has email I don't know of) but you can't tell me that she hasn't when she thinks they have a relationship, why do they insist on taking you for a fool?!

[stewart10]

Hey Limbo:

I am having these same issues myself right now. At what point do I say enough is enough and I start to take some of this power back.

What also hurts is that they take you for an idiot, he says she hasn't emailed him,(he has email I don't know of) but you can't tell me that she hasn't when she thinks they have a relationship, why do they insist on taking you for a fool?

I know. I know. I have come to really think that there is another person. I cannot explain her behavior in any other way. What you need to do for yourself is to make sure you are not taking more than you should. Your goals are noble (keep relationship and family together) but if there is a point where you feel like he does not respect you, then you have a decision to make. No relationship is going to be successful where one spouse does not respect the other. That relationship is doomed from that point on. It's only hope of being saved is when the "weaker" spouse begins to earn back some of the respect. Just my opinion on this whole doormat issue.

[limbo]

I agree with you Stew, I do have to decide, I am going to give things a couple of weeks and see what happens, but if there are no changes, then I will call it quits.
I need to move on in a more positive direction, and get my life and the kids back to a more normal place.
I am going to just see what he does and how he handles things and make my decisions from there.

[Heimlich]

I just don't know what I have done to drive him back to her, why does she have this hold over him. I know I am way better, and I am better for him.

Limbo,

You likely didn't do anything. You are the strong one. Your H is the weak one. Don't forget that. We all played a role in where our R is today, but all of us here are doing our best to make things right/better than before. All too often, we take on blame that's not ours.

Get out there and have some fun with your kids or by yourself. Don't wait on him. Start moving forward doing things to make you happy. If your H comes along, great. If not, his loss.

Also, be wary, but don't presume you know what your H is going through. I've been reading Grasshopper's thread from last year. It's excellent.

BD

[Heimlich]

Grasshopper threads

Only a little way through, but a lot of great stuff in here.

[limbo]

Thanks Heim!

I will read it when I get some time.

Had a call from son's camp and he got into a fight today with 3 other kids! I think he knows something is going on, and he is acting out, since we got back from vacation he wants to be with us all the time.
So I basically told h that we need to get out S**T together one way or the other so that we can get our lives sorted and settled and the kids can settle, even though we haven't told them, they pick up on the tension.

[limbo]

I have being hearing about that course Retrouville, and have found out there is a weekend course here in September, so I am going to forward the info to H and see what he says.
I am sure I know the answer, but it can't hurt to try.
H still doesn't seem to have email OW or set up c, but I am not suprised by either of these things.