Frustrated and More Saddened #3

[stewart10]

Heim:

My brother from another mother! Were you outside my house a few months ago?

I don't think I was. I just remembered reading that in either DR or DB and it struck a chord with me. Makes perfect sense to me. Got to try and remember reason and logic won't get us anywhere with our WA's.

While I think there's a fine line to walk in accepting responsibility and saying too much, for now, just let it lie.

Sounds like a plan. Going to let it fall where it may. I try not to say too much when we talk, and let her do all the talking, but sometimes it just makes me so aggravated when she says some of the things she does. Like for example today she tells me that she wants me to get mad at her so that this would be easier.

This an opportunity for you. Just refrain from sitting on the couch, watching the new TV and throwing beer bottles on the floor (ok, maybe do that one weekend); keep GAL.

As bad a day I am having this line brought a smile to my face. You really do have a way of lightening the mood for me and many others on this board and I always enjoy your comments and sense of humor. I imagine this is one of the things that your W liked about you and probably still does.

It'll get better. I didn't get that little caveat from my W "space will be good for us" from her until I started giving it to her. I was smothering her and making both of us miserable in the process. I wish I could describe to you how to get to the point of "well, if she's letting go, so am I and it's time to focus on me (while holding open the door to a future with her)" but i can't. I think we all get there by slightly different routes. It is possible though

I hope you are right on this one. What I am worried about is that she is in stubborn mode right now and that even if she begins to feel like she may want to try to work on this, her pride is going to step in and she will choose not to. Though I can't control that just have to make sure she knows that if she ever has a change of heart that she should not hesitate to let me know.

And you're right. Feelings can and do change. There's nothing to say that your W's won't change back. But, ain't gonna be overnight. Strap in for the long haul. I can tell you from experience that when I was gone over teh summer, that I was less stressed than when i was around my W.

That is what I am hoping for. You are right I have to remain patient right now and not expect things to change overnight.

Well, when she left today she did not have her bags packed. She only had her purse and bag that she carries everywhere. So maybe she is coming home tonight. I am meeting with new clients tomorrow morning and then we are going to the counselor whether it will be a MC session for us, or an IC session for her. I just want her to be happy. It kills me to see her crying and to hear her say that I have made her so unhappy. I just have such a hard time when I look around and see things of hers, or if I start to think about our future together that I always envisioned. That is when I find things too much to bear.

[stewart10]

Well, today is going to be a busy day. Work stuff early this morning then we have the session at 12. Then have to get her back for work at 3:30. She came home last night. Doubt she will be home tonight. I hope the session goes well today. Really going to try and work on the PMA today and tonight. Slept okay last night with several times waking up. I just feel so exhausted. And I feel cheated.

[Heimlich]

Just a quick note. Packing up the PC so that my cable can get installed today (huzzah).
I know it's hard, but project some optimism. She stayed home. She's going to MC. She's alluded to problems other than you causing her unhappiness.

Chin up. Stay patient.

Ok to feel cheated, but don't hang onto the feeling.

Have a great day.

BD

[limbo]

((((Stew)))))

Stay busy, and remember what you want, and think what actions will work towards you getting what you want and what will work against you.
Heim is a very wise man, so listen to what he is telling you, back off and let things be for now, she is going to do what she is going to do and there is nothing you can do at this point to change that.

[waw1978]

Hey Stew

Just reading up on your sitch. The phone call with the brother sounds like your W is confused and having a really difficult time. You can't be the cause of ALL of her problems. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there were things in your R that lead to this but certainly not all. Sounds like there are other forces at work here. Be it depression etc.

Keep DB'ing. Even if it seems hopeless, read some of the success stories on here that were way worse! Wish my H would have read the book and worked to try to save our M.

Even if she doesn't keep up with the MC are you going to keep going to IC? I don't mean this in a bad way but I know that seeing my IC is really helping me work through some of my own feelings and get my head straight. Just a suggestion.

(((Stew))) you will get through this! We all will.

[stewart10]

Thanks Limbo and WAW:

Had the MC session yesterday. She basically said to the Dr. the same thing she said to me on Wednesday. That she feels like she has nothing left, she is not in love with me anymore and that the flame is gone. We talked for the first 20 minutes and then I told the Dr. that I wanted W to be able to talk to him alone. So I got up and they used the remaining 40 minutes. When W walked out she was completely bawling. I don't know what they talked about but I sure would like to know. She cried for about the first 20 minutes on the way home. We stopped for lunch and had a nice time, like nothing happened at all. Funny thing was W didn't wear her ring all week long, but we had our talk on Wednesday and Wednesday night she put it on and hasn't taken it off since then. I don't understand.

Sorry if this bores anyone but I thought that this was a good exchange with her last night. Last night she sent me a text while she was at work saying just checking in, u doing okay? I told her I was fine and asked how she was feeling. She said she was ok. I texted back "just ok". She texted "Yeah. Sorry for ruining our lives". I told her that our lives aren't ruined, just a bump in the road. She texted back "I don't like bumpy roads". I told her I know that, and that she was my best friend, that I loved her but was worried about her and didn't like seeing her unhappy and that I didn't like to think that I had something to do with her unhappiness. She texted back "Your my best friend too. Its not all your fault. I do love you too." So I thought these were a positive.

She stayed at her friends' house last night but did come home today before work which she usually does not do. She actually came out and sat on the couch next to me with my pillow. I turned to her and said jokingly, "thats my pillow". She shook her head up and down and smelled it and kind of cuddled with it. I don't understand but it kind of made me feel good.

I had planned on going upstate tomorrow for a big irish music festival. But the person I was going to go with had something come up and won't be going. I don't know if I am still going to go, but I am going to the Ren Fair on Sunday with a bunch of friends. Will be kind of tough because me and the W would go to it every year. It was one of our first "dates" way back when we were kids about 10 years ago. But, I really do have a good time there, so I am going to go anyway and have a good time. Then it is back home for when the Jets-Baltimore game comes on at 4. Tough one for them on Sunday but I don't think it could be much worse than last week.

[Bakit Ngayon Pa]

Hi Stew. Just catching up on your thread. I'm sorry your W thinks that the M is over and that there is no more hope. There is always hope. But from what I gather she is really torn between staying and leaving. She does not want to leave but at the same time does not want to stay. So keep working on yourself and let it takes it's course. Stay positive and upbeat even though the chips are down. Going away for the weekend will certainly take your mind off of it and you will come back refreshed and ready for the next round.

I agree that it's not always the LBS fault. I mean, isn't this a marriage? A partner has a say in whatever happens, in whatever goes on. It's sort of like a cop out. I get this all the time from my W. She says she gave me 16 years and in those 16 years nothing happened. Well she was there too why didn't she make some things happen?

My sitch has taken a turn for the worse. Just found out last Friday about my W EA. She also admitted it. I'm trying to deal with it as best as I can. For more info you can read up on the new thread that I made but please excuse the words on the bottom of the 1st post. That was said in a not so good taste and was not meant to be.

Anyway, good luck and stay upbeat. There's always hope.

[Heimlich]

Stew,

Before I check out for most of the weekend, just wanted to quickly note that her having her ring back on is a good thing. At least indicates some level of uncertainty I would think.

Have a great time at the Renn Fest.

Bd