Frustrated and More Saddened #3

[stewart10]

Heim:

I've been angry with myself for a few months now, once I realized that I had a large role to play in pissing my marriage away. It took me way too long to realize that. Once I did, as my thread title says, is it too late for my WAW?

It may be too late for me too. Don't know how to handle this. Going to take my time with it. Not react too quickly. Try and let some of this hurt and anguish recede and then see how I feel about it later on.

The question you have to answer for yourself is, Can I forgive my W IF she is having an A? I never thought my answer to that question would be yes, but, lo and behold, it was.

That is a tough question. I guess that I could forgive her for it. What I would not allow is her to pursue it any longer if she wants any chance of our R working. There is no way a W can put forth the type of effort needed to fix this if she is involved with another man. It just is not possible and I would not stand for it, I will not stand for it. I am aware that it is kind of a him or me ultimatum so I have to be prepared for the answer that I don't want to hear.

I feel your pain and I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how much it hurts. However, you're one up on where I was when I found out about my W. You're head is pretty much removed from your ass. My cranial-rectal reversion may have taken too long.

I don't know about this. I feel like my head is spinning and I cannot get my mind around anything. Just feel like I am drowning slowly and I have nothing to reach out to to grab and hold myself above water. It truly is a terrible feeling.

[Heimlich]

Hanging in there, Stew?
BD

[stewart10]

Hanging in there, Stew?

I am trying. Just having a reeeeally bad 24 hour period. Got into court tonight so that took my mind off of it for about two hours. She is still choosing to go out tonight and stay at her friends house. So I guess I can't talk to her about anything until tomorrow anyway.

But, I think I have to make a move on this. I think I need to really start to take some of this power back. I have let her do what she wants for several months now. But it has basically reduced me to nothing. I am no longer the same person I was. I have been so worried about her for so long that I have not realized that my well being has deteriorated. I am going to make an appointment with a MC tomorrow. Need to inject something else into this because the way things are proceeding is not getting things any better. I also may think that a MC would tell her that what she is doing is not right or healthy for our R. If I tell her that, she will peg me as trying to control her.

[GoingToTry]

S10,
We have alot in common. Thanks for sharing in my post.
You sound like a man who is really trying to GAL. You go! I am so hopeful for you. The forgiveness part is hard, but I believe (ney, I know) that forgiveness and peace are the right paths towards wholeness. I think you're doing great.
-GTT

[limbo]

Stew,

I can tell you forgivness is possible, you have to truly forgive in order to move on.
I was the last person in the world you would have thought would tolerate an A, I was always one loudly saying it would be over right away they would be out without a doubt!!! But here we are...
The strange thing now is, this last time hasn't even bothered me that much, it was just kind of like here we go again, and deal with it, the pain was there, but I could deal with it, with a few bumpy patches, thoughts of her don't really weigh as heavy as before.
We each have to choose what is right in our situation, and how we approach it, is very important, but I know that whatever you chose you will be calm and together.
Its funny we see ourselves as weak and without respect, but really we are the strongest of the strong, to go threw what we have and still be standing, and not only that but trying to help others threw also!!

I know whatever you decide you will make the right decision for you!

[stewart10]

Hey Limbo

I understand what you are saying about forgiveness. I realize that if I am going to make a go of this, that I have to forgive her for everything wholeheartedly and I cannot harbor resentment that is going to come out every time we have a disagreement. That is not going to make things any better.

The strange thing now is, this last time hasn't even bothered me that much, it was just kind of like here we go again, and deal with it, the pain was there, but I could deal with it, with a few bumpy patches, thoughts of her don't really weigh as heavy as before.

This is very strange. But I guess after going through it, you can become numb to the pain that it causes. I guess I am still holding out hope that there is no OM but more and mroe I am realizing that there probably is.

Its funny we see ourselves as weak and without respect, but really we are the strongest of the strong, to go threw what we have and still be standing, and not only that but trying to help others threw also!!

It is not that I think that I am weak. I just do not like what she has done to me personally and emotionally. I know that if things don't work out, that I will get better with time, but right now, I just feel so far away from the person that I am. I know that I am the only one that can get me back to being that person, but my path is clouded right now. It is tough to see the way.

Well she slept at her friends' house last night. Did not hear from her until 5:00 am this morning when she texted me saying that she was going to sleep and goodnight. Why is she acting like a spoiled teenager? Honestly, she is 28 years old and married. Why is she bar hopping and staying out until 5:00 in the morning? I just don't understand.

[waw1978]

Well she slept at her friends' house last night. Did not hear from her until 5:00 am this morning when she texted me saying that she was going to sleep and goodnight. Why is she acting like a spoiled teenager? Honestly, she is 28 years old and married. Why is she bar hopping and staying out until 5:00 in the morning? I just don't understand.

I can tell you why she is bar hopping and staying out till all hours...you have been together since she was 18. She probably didn't get a chance to do any of this while she was younger and now is acting out trying to regain her youth. Maybe I am wrong and she had many exp's before you met her.

I think you have mentioned that this was both of your first serious relationship? For some reason it seems that men and women both have these mini-MLC's because they feel like they missed out on something when the marry the first person they have a serious relationship with. Not that there aren't plenty of others that are content and happy with that choice forever...but when a person gets depressed and things aren't going well with the spouse or marriage isn't what they thought it woudl be they might get that "woulda coulda shoulda" thing going and then it just takes on a life of its own.

None of these reasons excuses her behavior but she probably feels like she missed out on something (whether thats fact or fiction). In addition to depression she is probably exp. a litte about to turn 30 panic.

Just giving you some insight. I have plenty of friends who married the first guy they shagged, never new the joys of going to nightclubs and dancing the night away. Most of them hit some point where they had to see what that was all about.

Focus on yourself right now. If you need a break from it all, then you take one. Get away for a few days and clear your head.

[Bakit Ngayon Pa]

Hi Stew,

Just checking in again. I've been staying away from the computer spending time with the family.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are experiencing right now. It hurts to be treated like a doormat and have all these unanswered questions thrust upon you.

I'd ask you to take your time in confronting W about the receipt you found. Wait until you're more relaxed. The truth will come out one way or another and it's better if you found out (one way or another) with a cool head than with anger. That piece of paper could represent anything. It might not be what you are suspecting so please try to be calm when you finally talk to W.

Perhaps you can speak to your priest or pastor. They won't necessarily give you the correct answers or the answers you are seeking but at least there is somebody live that you can vent to or express your frustrations to.

It's hard to GAL when you are constantly bothered by something. Try to do it anyway. It helps to take your mind off of the subject.

Good luck. My prayers are for you.

[GoingToTry]

Hanging in there, Stew?

But it has basically reduced me to nothing. I am no longer the same person I was.

Center on yourself. Read, listen to music, meditate, about the person you are. Who you are is good and will be whole. Hang in there.

GTT

[Heimlich]

Stew,

It's going to be alright, man. I promise.

I can tell you forgivness is possible, you have to truly forgive in order to move on.
I was the last person in the world you would have thought would tolerate an A, I was always one loudly saying it would be over right away they would be out without a doubt!!! But here we are...

Limbo is dead on on this. I was discussing with my best friend that if my W was having an A, that would be it for me. Literally five hours later she told me she had been having one. It takes a while to get over the pain and hurt, and I was helped that my W did try for the sake of our M -- and ended the A. But it's hard to get there, not going to lie about that.

It doesn't have to be the end, but I agree that if she does confess to an A that for you to continue to work on the M, she has to end it. I wouldn't have been able to hang in while waiting for her to decide. Others have different levels of tolerance for that. Figure out what yours is. Also, at this point, you're in such turmoil you need to seriously consider how you're going to approach her about this. I don't see you not doing so. Whether that's DBing or not, if you can't handle the uncertainty, well, you have every right to get it cleared up for your own sanity.

I just feel so far away from the person that I am. I know that I am the only one that can get me back to being that person, but my path is clouded right now. It is tough to see the way.

I know it's hard and we all feel our way on this one alone in many ways, but you've got to start paying attention to YOU. You've been allowing your W to dictate your moods alot. You've done a lot better job recently GALing. Keep it up. Don't wallow in your fear and anger. Accept it and try to move through it. It's going to take a few more days to feel on a somewhat more even keel, but it'll come. Try to watch something funny, the NFL, run, etc. Do anything you can think of to turn your mind off.

But it has basically reduced me to nothing. I am no longer the same person I was. I have been so worried about her for so long that I have not realized that my well being has deteriorated.

You've got to stop worrying yourself to a nub. This is scary stuff, but you can't control her choices. In many ways, this isn't about you. It's about her. Don't blame yourself for the A. That was HER decision. Not yours.

I have plenty of friends who married the first guy they shagged, never new the joys of going to nightclubs and dancing the night away. Most of them hit some point where they had to see what that was all about.

WAW/Stew,
There was alittle of this in my W's A. One of the reasons she gave was curiousity. That one hurt, but I could understand it -- even though, well, let's just say that given free reign of my imagination she would have had no reason to BE curious about anything

Seriously, it'll get better.

BD