You did the honors on locking again. I think you also locked my last thread. Thanks for all your input. You present an interesting idea. I wasn't really expecting her to write anything. I just felt like I wanted to keep up with it on my end. And I had a hard time thinking about something special to give her and came up with that idea. Thought it would be nice every anniversary to kind of relive our lives together. Never thought I'd be facing this.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1162413&page=2#Post1162413 M-28 W-28 Together 10 years Married 2 years No children Things started taking a turn in 01/07
I am going to repost my anniversary dilemna because of the whole locking thing, and I'd like to get some more feedback on this.
Well here is my anniversary dilemna. For my wedding gift to her, I gave hera nice wooden keepsake box engraved with our names and wedding date. Along with it I gave her some parchment paper and on one sheet I wrote everything that I loved about her and what I looked forward to in the coming years. Each anniversary, we are supposed to write another one and tell eachother of what we enjoyed about the year that just passed and what we look forward to in the year to come. And every year on our anniversary we open the box and read our letters to eachother from the years past and add the newest to the pile.
I am not sure what to do. I think I should probably not continue our tradition, or maybe I should but not get too sentimental with it. Just keep it friendly rather than romantic or anything like that. I think that continuing with acting as if things are okay, I should write something simple. Just letting her know that I am still here for her no matter what she has done in the past and that things can get better. I think at times, she feels really guilty about the things that she does. I don't know. I was thinking about doing that and something small to let her know that I still appreciate and love her.
WAW or some of the other WA's on this board, what do you think? Should I keep up with our tradition? By not giving her it, would it almost make her think that I am giving up, or would it be perceived more as me recognizing her feelings right now and trying not pressure etc. What I was thinking about writing would be something about us growing alot in the past year and then talk about the exciting events coming up within her family, etc. Not too much about "us".
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1162413&page=2#Post1162413 M-28 W-28 Together 10 years Married 2 years No children Things started taking a turn in 01/07
Sounds like the wedding was bittersweet. The last wedding H & I went to I just cried and cried during the ceremony, and the toasts and half the reception until I got intoxicated at the open bar to drown my sorrows. It represented to me all that we had dreamed of and it was so apparent that we were so far from that place. Still hoping to find our way back.
I think you should still write your letter this year. I don't know about the reading them out loud or reviewing past years but def don't skip it. This is something that was important to you both and still important to you now. I like H's idea about just placing it in the box. No pressure. See what happens. I am sure she has not forgotten and will be surprised to find it already in there if she pulls it out for the anniversary. If she mentions it to you, good opening for discussion. You didn't want to put any pressure on her, give her space...you know the drill well enough by now.
Did you two make any plans together for the anniversary?
Me: 30 EX-H: 37 DD: 5 Separated 6/07. MC for months, EX-H quit MC. Divorce Final 8/14/08. Trying to move on with new life.
I like that tradition. Wish I would have thought of it. I would not write a letter and give it to her. But do it for yourself. "This is not where I thought we be on this anniversary. But I still love you with all my heart, and hope that we can get past this bump" I dunno something to that effect. Put it in the box, and let her discover it if she chooses to look in the box......
Sounds like the wedding was bittersweet. The last wedding H & I went to I just cried and cried during the ceremony, and the toasts and half the reception until I got intoxicated at the open bar to drown my sorrows. It represented to me all that we had dreamed of and it was so apparent that we were so far from that place. Still hoping to find our way back.
I know the feeling. It was tough for me to deal with. I was doing all I could not to break down during the ceremony. It is so illustrative of how far things have gone when you hear those words being spoken. And lucky me, I get to do it all over again in less than two weeks when we go to another wedding. And in between we have our anniversary. Ayyy.
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I think you should still write your letter this year. I don't know about the reading them out loud or reviewing past years but def don't skip it. This is something that was important to you both and still important to you now. I like H's idea about just placing it in the box. No pressure. See what happens. I am sure she has not forgotten and will be surprised to find it already in there if she pulls it out for the anniversary. If she mentions it to you, good opening for discussion. You didn't want to put any pressure on her, give her space...you know the drill well enough by now.
I also like H's idea. I think I will write the letter and just place it in the box without mentioning anything to her about it. Hopefully she won't read it at all until things get better for our next anniversary. If anyone else has any advice/cautionary tales, I'd like to hear them.
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Did you two make any plans together for the anniversary?
We have not made any plans. In the past I would be doing something special, taking a trip somewhere, or something like that. I think at this point, I just have to keep it low key. Nothing over the top. I actually had thought, at the beginning of this year, about taking her to Disney (she always loves going there and she hasn't been there since her 18th b-day). Good thing I didn't follow through on it. I don't really know what to do on the gift front. I think I will have two gifts ready (something small and something a bit more extravegant) and just follow her lead.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1162413&page=2#Post1162413 M-28 W-28 Together 10 years Married 2 years No children Things started taking a turn in 01/07
I would not write a letter and give it to her. But do it for yourself. "This is not where I thought we be on this anniversary. But I still love you with all my heart, and hope that we can get past this bump" I dunno something to that effect. Put it in the box, and let her discover it if she chooses to look in the box......
Thanks for the insight. I agree with you. I think I will write the letter and place it in the box without her knowing. Like I said before, hopefully she will read it next year when things are better between us.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1162413&page=2#Post1162413 M-28 W-28 Together 10 years Married 2 years No children Things started taking a turn in 01/07
Hi! What a lovely idea you started. I would continue but think carefully in order not to be perceived as manipulative or blaming. Support is a good word.
I put together an album of our old photos (before I was DBing) for H birthday and it sure as hell backfired and caused an almighty scene full of accusations and bitterness. Never again.
What a lovely idea you started. I would continue but think carefully in order not to be perceived as manipulative or blaming. Support is a good word.
Thanks. Guess it was just one of my ideas when I was feeling super romantic towards my W. Funny thing is with all she has done recently, I would still take her back in an instant if she would only let me.
Well, maybe I am a bit more detached. As you know W went to a concert last night up in Albany. I spoke to her around 10 and she told me she would call me when she got back to her friends' house later last night. Does she call???? Of course not. I wake up around 3:30 and realize that she hasn't called. Well, I started to think about what she could be doing. I stopped myself from imagining things and tried to get back to sleep. I fell back asleep around 5. If it was even a few weeks ago, I would have been up until I heard from her. Got a text from her @ 5:30 saying that she had fell asleep and would call me later that morning and that she was sorry. I have always asked her that if she is not going to be coming home that she call me when she arrives at whatever place she is going to be sleeping so I know she is safe. So when I talked to her today, I just asked her what happened last night, and if she had fun etc. The old me also would have gave her a hard time about not calling. Honestly, it really did annoy me, but I tried to just let it go. I don't understand why she does not have the consideration to simply pick up the phone and let me know she is safe. I don't think it is an unreasonable request. Oh well, continue with detachment and try not worry about things I cannot control.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1162413&page=2#Post1162413 M-28 W-28 Together 10 years Married 2 years No children Things started taking a turn in 01/07
Yeah, the not phoning/texting really bugs me. H going for a long weekend and as usual he won't text. Last time this happened, I asked him to leave as soon as he got back and then we both went into a panic. He's still here.
It doesn't hack it if I say I want to know he's safe. I say something about emergencies now as we both have elderly parents.
Like you, I would take him back like a shot, but it's not going to happen. I think even if his new life didn't work out he'd be too proud to come back.
The nights are really bad for me when he's away. I don't really sleep. I have one eye open and one ear open until i hear the sound of his key in the door. What a terrible way to live.
