Just found out that OW has a kid!!

[Ophelia]

Yep. Wonderful. Really fantastic. Found out via snooping in a sense. Happened upon H's myspace and he makes mention of OW and her son! Even referred to him as his "stepson" in one of his blog entries. So now he's got his readymade little family. We both wanted kids, but never got around to it, and now he's got one. How am I meant to compete with that?

[mkultra]

I know it feels like a competition, to me too, but let's try not to think like that. Having stepkids is extremely difficult and stressful. You need to take the high road here. The OW sounds like a desperate person who is showing her child a very indecent way of living, but try not to judge. I am all the way here in California and I feel the frustration you feel. We are connected, so you are not alone. I imagine most people in this crazy world of ours would be on Team Ophelia! You are young and could still have kids maybe with him, maybe with someone else. The myspace comment is extremely immature and hurtful. I am sorry.

[prodigalwife]

The myspace comment absolutely was low. But people having affairs aren't exactly thoughtful, are they? I wasn't. I never thought or cared what it would do to my husband when I started treating my OM like my son's father, or his daughter like my own. it's all part of the fantasy you live in during an affair. That doesn't make it right! But when you're in that fantasy you NEED it to be completely real (or your common sense will start eating away at it!), so you fully immerse yourself in it. Sometimes the scene has to play itself all the way out, but sooner or later, the fairytale gets revealed as the bogus crap it really is.

[Ophelia]

You need to take the high road here.

Ugh, I know, but it's so damn hard! I just want to call him and rip him a new one: "So in all those emails we've been exchanging lately, I guess you forgot to mention your new 'stepson'"!! I guess he doesn't feel like I have any right or need to know about it, though, which just makes me even angrier.

But wait, there's more! OW is one of his "friends" on myspace of course, but she doesn't actually have a full page or profile, just enough for me to see that they went to high school together!!!

Also, according to one of his blog entries, one of my SIL went bushwalking with both H and OW not too long ago, so evidently she approves of it all, or maybe she's just trying to be diplomatic, (like everyone was back when FIL had his A), who knows. Maybe OW and her kid have already been to family gatherings and been accepted by all and sundry.

This just keeps getting better!! I need a drink to calm my nerves. Why must there be no booze in this house?!?

Am I just kidding myself by staying faithful to my M vows and praying every day that H and I will somehow find our way back to each other? The case against me appears to be pretty strong. One might even say it's fate that two old high school friends would find their way back to each other after so many years. It all just seems so bloody perfect for him, doesn't it?

[Ophelia]

The myspace comment absolutely was low. But people having affairs aren't exactly thoughtful, are they? I wasn't. I never thought or cared what it would do to my husband when I started treating my OM like my son's father, or his daughter like my own. it's all part of the fantasy you live in during an affair. That doesn't make it right! But when you're in that fantasy you NEED it to be completely real (or your common sense will start eating away at it!), so you fully immerse yourself in it. Sometimes the scene has to play itself all the way out, but sooner or later, the fairytale gets revealed as the bogus crap it really is.

Thanks for your post, prodigalwife. I know, he's gotta convince himself, and everyone around him that it's real and that he's not doing anything wrong. Of course, there's no mention of him ever having been M on his myspace.

OW must be just as messed up as H is if she's letting her kid get stuck in the middle of this R.

I really hope the fairytale does start to end for them at some point, though they've been together for quite some time now, I don't know how long, but at a best guess since mid-Nov last year, (about a month after he moved out). Often it feels like it really will never end.

[prodigalwife]

So you're into approximately month nine dealing with this affair? That bites, but don't give up! I promise, the lie can't last forever, though it may seem like it.

As far as her being messed up...eh. I don't really know her situation, but your husband may seem like a step up in her world. She may honestly feel she's doing this to help her child. Still doesn't make it OK for her to be with your husband. But try really hard not to direct your anger and frustration at her. I haven't read the original thread yet (sorry!), but unless she was your friend before this mess, she didn't owe you loyalty, he did. It's wrong for her to keep holding him knowing he's your spouse, but some times the good ones are hard to let go (even if they're not ours).

[Ophelia]

So you're into approximately month nine dealing with this affair? That bites, but don't give up! I promise, the lie can't last forever, though it may seem like it.

Well I can't exactly be sure of how long they've been together, but that's my best guess. He told me in an email at the end of January that he'd started seeing someone, and was telling me because he didn't want me to find out from anyone else, (how thoughtful of him). He never answered any of my questions about her. He filed for a "property settlement" through his L. He can't D me until we've been separated for a year, so instead he went about getting this document saying who gets what. I requested copies of his credit card statements etc as proof of the figures quoted in the settlement forms, and on one of those was a payment of $150 at a resturaunt, which was in mid Nov, so I just put 2 and 2 together.

As far as her being messed up...eh. I don't really know her situation, but your husband may seem like a step up in her world. She may honestly feel she's doing this to help her child. Still doesn't make it OK for her to be with your husband. But try really hard not to direct your anger and frustration at her. I haven't read the original thread yet (sorry!), but unless she was your friend before this mess, she didn't owe you loyalty, he did. It's wrong for her to keep holding him knowing he's your spouse, but some times the good ones are hard to let go (even if they're not ours).

I didn't know her. Only know her name because a mutual (former?) friend accidentally mentioned it within earshot of my brother's girlfriend. So I realise that OW doesn't owe me anything. I realise that if it hadn't have been her, it just would have been someone else. I can even appreciate that she wouldn't want to let him go, (God knows I can relate to that!). But yeah, it's pretty low to latch onto a guy who is still married, (even if he doesn't consider himself to be), so I've gotta wonder what kind of morals she has.

Hopefully they'll both come to their senses one day.

[Ophelia]

I think I just had one of those moments of realisation where the little light bulb over your head comes on. I think I know why I find it so easy to be angry at and hate OW. Jealousy. Pure, simple, green eyed monster, jealousy. She gets to be with my H and also gets to have him play daddy with her kid. Something I had and something I was looking forward to. I was with him for 10 years and now it's all just fallen right into her lap.

[Ophelia]

I had a hunch, so I investigated something, and it turns out I'm right.

I remember several years ago, we were at IL's place, and MIL was telling us about the daughter of one of her friends who had just had a baby but was breaking up with her husband.

I remember this, because MIL would often bring the topic up, whenever she heard of another young couple splitting up right after having a baby, saying that it was a rather sad trend that seemed to be developing.

I seem to have a vague recollection of H mentioning having spoken with her in the time right after he'd left me. I remember because at the time I thought, "Great, that's just what I need, H chatting with someone who left her M despite having a newborn baby. Someone encouraging him that he's doing the right thing."

I couldn't remember her name though, but since seeing this thing about them having both gone to the same high school on his myspace, I looked up one of those websites where you can search for people who went to your school.

As soon as I saw her full name in the list, I knew I'd been right, and sure enough, her profile tells of how her M ended when her son was 3 months old, and she's now with her "long term partner", my H. He's even edited his own profile on the site to say how he ended his M and is "now happily seeing someone". In his profile he mentions that after his trip to Africa to climb Kilimanjaro, he wants to travel some more then "settle down with my family." He last updated his profile on Dec 18th, so about 2 months after he'd moved out of our house, he already considered OW and her son his new family.

So, this adds yet another strike against me in that OW's mother is a longterm friend of my MIL, (who I've managed to maintain a fairly good relationship with through all of this....she's never divulged any info about OW's identity, which is fair enough I suppose, because it's really not her place to tell me), which should make her fitting into the family, my family, a whole lot easier.

Plus, she's the kind of person who thought it a wonderful idea to ditch her M despite the fact they had a newborn son, so she's obviously got no particular bias towards M.

This just keeps getting worse. I'm losing faith, and fast.

[Hope_11]

Sorry Ophelia that you are still going through this. I posted on one of your threads months ago when I first started on here. My sitch has taken a turn for the worse (actually I'm starting to think it may be for the better). H and I are currently waiting on finalizing the D.

My only advice is to maybe don't try to figure out so much about what your H is doing. Mine had a myspace page also. I hate it...his profile says that he is in a relationship. He forgot to mention that he is married and in an adulterous relationship. His myspace page is how I found out that he was going to a family reunion with OW at the same time he was talking about coming home once and for all. That was the last straw with me. I put up with more sh$t than anyone deserves and at that point I wanted some effort on his side not lies. I have really cut back on trying to figure out what he is doing, saying, etc. I haven't looked at his myspace page in 2 months. I don't contact him...I only return his calls. I have started to do things for me and only me. I'm done trying with him. If he wants to have another chance with me, he is going to have to rope the moon in the next month before the D is finalized....otherwise, it is over. I really think that your sitch is a lot like mine. You can't control H....you can't control him being with OW or OW's son. You deserve better than this. You deserve to be loved for you...you deserve a faithful husband. You did all you could. You were willing to give your H a second chance...he just wasn't man enough to take it. You can hang your hat on that...better things are in store for you.