This is my first post as I came across this site after weeks of searching for solutions. I am 45 years old and my wife will be 40 in two weeks. While we have had our ups and downs over the last 19 years we hit the wall a few weeks ago. We have three great kids, D 12, S10 and another S8. It all started about a month ago when we were sitting on our deck at the summer cottage enjoying time with some friends. The topic of age came up and my wife clearly stated that she was not where she wanted to be in life. Things quickly escalated after that. About a month ago she dropped the bomb and stated that she wanted a divorce. We talked about it and decided to try to reconcile – the MIL helped steer her in this direction. We reconciled for a couple of weeks but the problems started to really evolve at that time. She said she was unhappy with her life and wanted the next 40 years to better. She stated the normal – I do not love you, never did and the reason she married me was to get out of the house and away from her parents. She needed space and her freedom, she lost 15 pounds, started jogging and is now spending every bit of money on new clothes(After reading Michelle’s article on MLC the lights went on for me). The last few weeks have been nothing but hell. She stays at the summer cottage 5 days out of the week and I come up on weekends.
Two years ago I asked her to see a C and she did not want to at that time. Her friend finally talked her into it - and we had separate C sessions last week. The sessions were separate and I felt it went well – I walked out with hope. We met at a restaurant for a drink and a bite to eat after. We actually talked for the first time in a long time. This only lasted for the night. We are supposed to have a joint session in two weeks.
Anyway Saturday night things exploded. This was my fault more than hers. We both had a few cocktails in us and the fights just get that much worse. We were at a party with friends and our kids. I went to meet her brother at the bar down the street for a drink and when I came back to get my car she was still at the party. It was past midnight and she was about to send my D12 home with another couple and was set to stay with her friend and my sons. I thought this was crazy as the kids should be in bed. My S1-0 and D 12 came home with me but youngest stayed with her. She did not get back until 1:30 a.m. We really got into it as I did not see it appropriate to keep the kids out that late especially when W is sitting around sucking down champagne all night.
She seems to do this all the time. For a while her drinking was getting way out of control. She is always the last one to leave the party. While she states she never has had an affair she loves to flirt with every Tom, Dick and Harry.
Well that is a bit of my background on the situation. I really do not know where to take this. She will do anything to avoid time alone. I stopped calling her daily and she rarely will call me. When we do talk – it is very short and she cuts me off. We have not separated as of yet, but school starts for the kids next week and I am sure the tension meter will go up.
Also her Birthday is on the 1st next month. We have our friends over at the cottage each year on Labor Day and while she states it is not her B-day party it essentially is. She still wants everyone over, even though everyone has a feeling that we are having some serious issues.
While I do not want to divorce it is getting harder and harder to be around someone that you make unhappy and in turns depresses me.
I saw your post and my first impression was this. You appear ready to spin out of control. So the first thing you need to do is relax and be patient. Yes. This is tough stuff.
Ok. This didn't just happen, so don't expect any quick fixes. Next, I can see the negatives, but if you focus on those, you will mess things up quickly.
Now as a good friend would say, take a chill pill and read Divorce Busting. Have you read it? because if you haven't, you will focus on the wrong stuff. You have to understand the Db concepts before you start running down the MLC road, which in my opinion is a road to hell.
You wife doesn't want to be alone with you, suck it up. If you try and impose alone time, it will explode in your face.
Drinking. You were mad at her, but you were drinking too. The point is that if you are looking for a reason to be irritated, you can find one every time. Eventually, you act, blopw up and screw things up.
As for MLC, I am not a mental health professional nor is anyone else around here as far as I know. You have a professional. Depend on that person.
Now, there is so counseling which is a positive.
Now do you thing. Stay out of the way. And bolster your emotions. It looks like this is wearing on you. If you crack, you can lose any chance you have.
Now these are important words for you to think. Relax. Chill. Patience.
Hang in there. This will not be easy for you. You have to act as if you are ok with this.
Just a little intro. I have been divorced for almost 6 1/2 years. So as you know, there are no guarantees here. Also, I take a different approach than many here. Some will tell you to read everything you can get your hands on. My advice is to read a few, get an idea where things are, then be the best you can be. Also, I don't dwell on MLC like many here. Again, get an understanding. Dwelling on it will drive you nuts.
DB is a self-help book with an obvious bent towards healing a relationship. Good luck. Stay positive.
AKFLY, sorry you are here, you will get lots of conflicting advice, like IMP says, you have to find what of it helps and works for you.
Mainly just try to focus on you. What you need. How you can be the best man, the best father, that you can be.
There are lots of good men here, dealing with teetotally crazy wives, and God love them, they are hanging in there. It is indicative of the character and strength you will find among the people that are here. You're among friends.
AKFLY Sorry your here, I read your sitch and it almost reads like mine. My W too is unhappy with her spot in life and I got the same speech. Currently my W stays at our cottage as well thur - mon or sometimes tue morning. When our work schedules conflict one of us stays somewhere else, I only get weekends off every 6 weeks.
IMP is dead on, this will take a long time if you have not realized it yet, I am on the 3rd month and missed the little signs of progress at the very start and ended up screwing things up and pushing her so far away that we barely talk now. You have Labor day coming up for was like my sitch, the 4th of July with her whole family coming up. No one knew we were separated but 1 bro and 1 sis, I felt like crap the whole weekend. When everyone was gone I tried to work on the R, she blew. I called it like a saw it, a charade, big mistake I should have bite my tongue. It made her angry and bitter and ended up taking her ring off since she now had her reason to believe that our M was a charade.
Here is what I learned Time and space are important for the MLC, like I said we barely talk now. No R talk ever, she is not ready for it and it usually back fires. Let the C work on her issues. We are also seeing separate C and W just recently asked me to setup a MC session together, which I couldn't believe because an hour before she told me she was leaning towards D. I quite drinking all together, just made me feel worst. Set some small goals and look for the little signs that she is still deciding, you guys are still talking that is good. Read DB or DR then re-read it, high light the important parts so you can go back to them. If you are still in the same house, kind of like my sitch try and make it a safe place for the W that she can come to and not feel anxiety. Watch the kids, they need someone as well, if that is you be there for them. If you are a person that needs to be in control like me, you will have to work very hard at letting go, hardest thing I have done so far. You have no control what so ever over her. If you try to control her she will run faster and farther, trust me. Read the MLC dos and don'ts Your storm is just beginning and it's hell. Your patience will be tested over and over again, mine is almost daily.
Good luck
"Worry is the price you pay for most of the things in life that never happen"
IMP you are so right on the reading thing, great advise. I went on a book reading marathon in my attempt to find the cause and fix it not knowing that it has to fix itself. For me I go back to DR and the dos and donts of MLC that are posted here.
"Worry is the price you pay for most of the things in life that never happen"
N/W/O Hope – I did read your post and in all honesty that is what prompted me to post.
She came home last night with my D12 to go to school orientation this morning. I stayed as upbeat and positive as possible. She even complemented me on my weekend project of rebuilding our brick patio. We still share the same bed and even great each other with a kiss and a kiss goodnight.
I am glad I came across this site – it gives me more hope and belief. I have been having troubles staying focused and motivated at work. From a health perspective I lost 15 pounds (this is a positive) in the last 4 weeks and I am working out at least 4-5 days a week. While early morning workouts are hard – I feel great afterwards. Started to re- read Andrew Matthew’s book “Follow Your Heart” in the last week – I need something to get me motivated and keep me motivated.
A few things that I am struggling with:
Her 40th Birthday – she misses her B, SIL and nephews who recently moved to Switzerland and I was thinking of giving her cash towards a trip.
We need to schedule our joint meeting with the C – I may just schedule it and if she doesn’t want to go I may just go myself.
I am really not looking forward to the next two weekends – we have neighbors coming up to the cottage this weekend and the following weekend she hits the dreaded (her description) 40.
